Forgiveness

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Forgiveness
8
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 10:34pm

I discovered my husband's 2 year affair in July 2008. I had been horribly betrayed. I had given him everything I had. I moved from the UK to the US to be with him, to marry him, bringing my innocent teenaged daughter, spending all my money on a house for us, clearing his debts, everything. He took everything from me and left me utterly, utterly bereft. I had been a kind, bubbly, optimistic, energetic woman, so full of life, and was left almost gasping for breath, bewildered, with no idea how to even begin to recover the tiniest scrap of my sense of self. I couldn't even leave, as of course shortly afterwards the recession hit, and so I couldn't sell my house and go home. I would lose everything.


He repeatedly lied to me about the details, but I slowly, excruciatingly uncovered them. She kept a myspace page, where she vindictively posted pictures of them together, writing love poems to him, broadcasting how stupid I was and insinuating that they were still together (she still does). He'd lost his job because of the affair and was forced to work away from home all week, and so I had nothing to do during those long evenings but paw over the details, over and over again as she poured on fresh agony.


I narrowly missed contracting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
In reply to: bridget_jones
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 5:02pm
Bridget (my beloved grandma's name)
Thank you for your post. I have forgiven not only my FWS but the OW - she is a sad and lonely person to have done the things she did in the places she did, with not only my FWS but all the others for the little scraps they threw her - I will not forget, and I could not be OW friend, but I don't have the deep seeded hatred I once did for her - perhaps a little pity, though not much, she gets herself into these things by her actions, but I just want her gone from my life in every way shape and form. I too was 'sent' herpes from her, though the mildest form, and am undergoing a cervical biopsy for the HPV sent my way via my FWH as well. I am hoping that I won't need to go through 5 surgeries as you did and a hysterectomy - but I am a fighter normally and want to fight my way back from this. I don't want FWH's A to kill me emotionally or physically. Please if you have the time, let me know about the abnormal cells etc, as I am just at the beginning of that road...
Thank you and be well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2010
In reply to: bridget_jones
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 7:26pm

After reading your post I can only say that you are truly and amazing,amazing woman!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
In reply to: bridget_jones
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 9:00pm

Thankyou girls for repling to my post. The complications that I've been through are very rare indeed, and the proceedures such as LEEP are not to bad at all. Honestly, honestly. Everyone keeps telling me how tough I am, and I think to myself, 'I'm not tough at all. I'm a wreck !!'.


Anyway, I wouldn't want to give the impression that I have completely forgiven my husband and the other woman. I definately haven't. I don't think you wake up one day and think 'You know what? I forgive them now. I'm going to announce it to him, and all be well with the world'. I think it comes little by little. Two steps forward and one step back. But I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
In reply to: bridget_jones
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 9:42am
In reading your post, I guess I am in forgiving mode with both FWS and OW - it's definitely hard, and I do have resentment and some anger left. Especially when new things come out here and there about what they did, to whom, where etc. FWH did say last night that he was feeling like an ass and what he did while being an assh0le makes him feel incredibly guilty and what a mess he made. I don't think he'll do it again. He's in a real depression over all of it, and the pain he's caused, the possible sickness, and the mess of the finances. Unfortunately his depression is not getting him up and going to make things better and right. We'll have to work on that one. I do hate when people say I'm such a strong woman. I definitely don't feel it. I feel a mess most of the time. Inside at least. I'm told I hide it well except for my closest friends. And from you guys. I even manage to hide alot of my pain from FWH - I know that bringing everything up all the time as it hits would hinder our R. I also found a full time job that suits me, and am working on making things better professionally, left all the volunteer orgainizations that took up most of my nights which led to FWS having 'time with OW" and not feeling all that guilty because I was out all the time too, though PTA doesn't quite compare.... I guess it will take alot of work to clean up this mess - and It seems I have a long road ahead. I can't expect it all to be done in just 5 1/2 months.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
In reply to: bridget_jones
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 2:18pm

thank you bridget, i have been struggling with this same issue myself. the inability to forgive. i had just posted recently asking for help on these boards, and so many of our sisters/ and a few brothers came to my aid. your post, most helpful.

i am reading a book called 'you can heal your life' by louise hay - very thought provoking. but it, like your message clearly states you can live 'in' the pain of it all or you can 'choose' to walk out of the 'hurt valley' one step at a time.

i remember you, i think back then i was 'planin to live'.

so inspirational to read where you are now compared to where you were then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: bridget_jones
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 5:33pm
Wow, Bridget, you are amazing! I have been struggling to forgive, or at least the way I see it, to come to terms with my STBX's betrayal . I find that understanding the reasons for his betrayal of 5 years with 2 different women, ( his family of origin and his unhealthy upbringing) helps to make sense of it and to move on.If I keep this knowledge in my mind, I feel compassion for his confusion about his life and not hatred for him. It helps me move forward and recreate my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
In reply to: bridget_jones
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 9:00pm
Lizzie,
It does help a little to learn of what motivates them to cause us so much hurt and pain, and what led up to it. Not that it's ever acceptable in any way shape or form, but it does put a little understanding in there. I will NEVER allow myself to be in this position again though. If he does it again, I don't care if it's a one night stand, a fling, or a hooker, I am ending it and going to look for happiness, I am too old to spend the rest of my days with someone that doesn't have me in the forefront of his mind caring for me the way a husband should care for a wife...... So thanks for your thought provoking posts, and thanks for sending 'hope' .......
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: bridget_jones
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 8:09am
Tryin
Don't settle for any abuse and don't rationalize his behavior! I am with someone now who is so kind and honest- I don't know if it will last, but he has helped to heal me and put things in perspective for me. I'll never let anyone take advantage of me again!