forgiving the O.W,/O.M

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
forgiving the O.W,/O.M
13
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 10:52pm
I was responding to the post 10 years ago today when I began thinking about what would come to pass if I bumped into EX Wifes O.M. Even though I too am 10 years out I cant honestly say I no longer hate him......Im not sure I have let go of all the anger.Im sure I wouldnt act out violently again......but Im also sure I wouldnt be saying Im sorry.Has any1 else thought about this and would they be willing to share.Wuzzy

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 2:31am

I feel the same way. I had never hated anyone in my life until XOW came along and inserted herself into my

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 10:17am

theres a saying......... forgiving but not forgetting.

Forgiving to move on with your life. But you dont have to forgive or forget. It sounds strange but think about it. what you have been through will never go away. It only gets easier to live with as years go by. Forgiving to move on with your life to make you a better person. and live your life.. no forgetting or forgiving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 10:54am

In my case my exh was the aggressor in the A. The OW didn't stop it however so some responsibility lies with her. Now after years out I can say I don't hate her, I have pity for her. I feel the same about my exh. They are a closed chapter in my life. I don't have a definition of forgiveness but I think I just let them go from my life and thoughts. Maybe that is forgiveness? Like missybee said forgetting is something else entirely! I hope I have learned something from this experience.

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 12:53pm

I'm sure clinically it's healthier for us to forgive.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 4:55pm
Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 10:19pm
Well I do live in a small town so chances of seeing him arent astronomical.Now Im wondering what would he say to me? I have no wish to hurt him again......but even after 10 years Im pretty sure that whatever he did say better be real nice.Its strange but in a way I feel like I should be thankful because if they hadnt had an affair I probably never would have met Lynnette.Im drawing a higher salary now than I ever have before and I cant help but thinking that this might not have happened if my past had been any other way....if I sound crazy just jump in and tell me so.I kinda think the hardships of my past are what shaped my life and made it what it is now....I sometimes think I NEEDED to go through all that in order to be where I am today.Im not saying money,Harleys and sailboats are everything but life is a lot nicer with them than without them.If I hadnt been through this I would probably still be welding steel frames for portable classrooms earning 700 a week.Im much happier with the 1300 Im making now....I had to pay some dues to end up this way..........but im pretty sure I wouldnt have it any other way.The funniest part of all this is that my ex is sideways with anger and resentment because of how well things are with me now.Its a strange world.Gods peace and blessings on you and all who post here.Wuzzy

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 10:38pm
No, I can't do it. Hor pursued H big time, even after we got back together, is still 7 months later with NC from either one of us to hor, doing all hor can in hor power to drive us apart and insane.... just got mail that must have somehow gotten to hor with hor handwriting on the front mailed back here - I don't want to see hor parked across the street, I don't want to get hor catalogs hor signed me up for, I don't want to get hor email newsletters or personals w/ hor name on them emailed to me and I don't want to see hor handwriting in my house anymore, I've had it, and H won't talk about it, he wants to make believe it all never happened..... Ugh! So no forgiveness here, hor drove over an 1 hour all the time to take hor clothes off in MY business to 'do' H.... amongst all the other things, so NO! No forgiveness or forgetting for hor!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 3:52pm
I agree that forgiveness if for us. In my case, the OW was young and unmarried. She always got involved with men who used her and a few years after the A, tried to commit suicide after a bad breakup. So I don't 'hate' her and hope she gets herself worked out. I think some OW/OM may be essentially antisocial, but I also think some have such low self esteem that they put themselves out there to be used and discarded, which is what happened to the OW in our case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 7:52am

Tryin,

No, the OW is actively torturing you and she seems very obsessive about it. Could you ask you H to sort the mail and get rid of HER crap before you see it. Does he know she is doing this stuff? She sounds very desperate and you are suffering b/c of it.

If he can't help you w/sorting the mail, perhaps you could make a mental 180 w/her attempts. You could work on 'training' yourself to have the response of "H chose to stay and do the hard work of rebuilding" every time you see her handwriting or catalog stuff.

If your H ISN'T doing the hard work to rebuild - then THAT is an entirely different ball of wax!

I hope you all in MC if you can, it was a life and mindsaver for me during the aftermath.

Blessings to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 11:52am
Immommy -
I think that anyone that is willing to be OW has got to have low self esteem, who else could put up with the thought of the 'person they profess to love' going home every night and at least sleeping in the same bed, having dinner together, doing things around the house together, waiting for another stolen moment = to do that - you would have to have low self esteem and problems, because obviously even though they all think THEIR MM will leave wife and kids to be with them and carry themselves off on a white horse into the sunset, they can't be thinking clearly - after all what they have is so little, and built on lies and deceit anyway.... it also always seems that although OW KNOW that the MM is lying to W, they never ever think that MM is lying to them.... very twisted all the way around.

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