Find a Conversation
|Sat, 04-22-2006 - 1:26am|
Yes, its anger and sadness. I had a very enlightening depressing counseling appt today:(
I was validated in my feelings that I felt our X counselor that did our IC and MC all last year just was not good enough!!! I stopped seeing her in June because I didn't like the way she made me feel regarding the affair. My husband continued his IC w/ her but I couldn't tell my husband to stop seeing her because I was happy to see him going and trying. It was very hard for him to go to ANOTHER counselor. She was his third. Because #2 counselor was also a complete moron suggesting that my husband LEAVE me because I was controlling and would never change. This is just his IC counselor. Even though my husband was blowing sh** up his a** and lying thru his teeth about "I just don't know Mr. counselor why my wife is such a bi***" "I don't know why she thinks I am a cheater, Mr. Counselor". (Fu***ng rolling my eyes). Counselor #1 was great but we only saw him until we could get to someone who could accept us under our insurance and we needed counseling ASAP that I wasn't afraid to pay out of pocket. But I knew it was temporary. Counselor #1 "got it" he knew the fundamentals of what was important w/ my husband betraying me. Unfortunately it wasn't enough time because my husband still was lying to me about the extent of his affair.
All the concerns I had, were validated for me today. ESPECIALLY the part that I felt the X counselor did not challenge my husband enough! That is so frickin depressing to hear. I ended up walking away last year wondering what was wrong with me!!!!
So here we are counselor #4!!!!! And this time I made sure I asked about experience regarding affairs and what her ideas were. WE ( new counselor and me) both agreed that not all these schmucks (my words not hers) should be counseling couples who are dealing w/ affairs. When I met her I was excited that she had read all the books! You know "after the affair", "surviving infidelity", and "not just friends". I knew that she had a better understanding. My counselor REALLY shed some enlightenment today. I can not wait to get my husband in there. Here we go again, we are finally ready to start MC again. She helped me with the argument that we had on Friday and a discussion we couldn't agree upon but it wasn't an argument last Saturday. Wow!!!
When I started seeing her my intentions were going to be for us to get back into MC but I often felt like what is wrong with me? So I decided to just do IC w/her. Until I felt ready to go MC w/ husband.
Really ladies remember when I said (my husband)he didn't remember the dates of my dday. She really feels that if he my husband REALLY understood the devestation of his affair and what it did to me, he would have known the significance of the time frame. It's not that he isn't remorseful. It's not that my husband isn't trying. But she said he has MORE to learn. She said that his IC only covered the CONTENT of the affair during therapy but needed to deal w/ the context!!!! It was depressing and sad to hear but it's true. Most importantly feeling validated, I realized that I was putting LOTS of pressure on myself to change and work at being happy. After all physically my husband was doing what he should be doing as a rebuilding spouse. I felt like an empty glass that nobody could fill and I thought it was all my fault. I thought what more can I ask of my husband that he already hasn't done? What is wrong with me that I feel like a pessimistic crabby person. She made me realize that there was lots more I could ask and expect of him.
I can not stop crying when I think of my appt. today. I don't know why it makes me so emotional. Is it because I am angry at my time wasted with these morons of counselors? Is it because I feel "free" and I can stop beating myself up? Is it because what if my husband doesn't understand how important it is to me that he listens to this counselor. Maybe I am scared that he may realize that he thought he was doing great but I learned that he has a LONGER route to take then he thought. Maybe he won't want to do it? After all the counselors I have put him thru. Why should he want to listen to this one?
I so badly needed to journal. And come talk to everyone. I feel different. I think I am just scared. Scared if husband decides not to be open minded. He's not generally a close minded person. But we will be opening some new territory. Wish me luck. Thank you, Tea