Fu**** Counselors!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Fu**** Counselors!!
5
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 1:26am

Yes, its anger and sadness. I had a very enlightening depressing counseling appt today:(

I was validated in my feelings that I felt our X counselor that did our IC and MC all last year just was not good enough!!! I stopped seeing her in June because I didn't like the way she made me feel regarding the affair. My husband continued his IC w/ her but I couldn't tell my husband to stop seeing her because I was happy to see him going and trying. It was very hard for him to go to ANOTHER counselor. She was his third. Because #2 counselor was also a complete moron suggesting that my husband LEAVE me because I was controlling and would never change. This is just his IC counselor. Even though my husband was blowing sh** up his a** and lying thru his teeth about "I just don't know Mr. counselor why my wife is such a bi***" "I don't know why she thinks I am a cheater, Mr. Counselor". (Fu***ng rolling my eyes). Counselor #1 was great but we only saw him until we could get to someone who could accept us under our insurance and we needed counseling ASAP that I wasn't afraid to pay out of pocket. But I knew it was temporary. Counselor #1 "got it" he knew the fundamentals of what was important w/ my husband betraying me. Unfortunately it wasn't enough time because my husband still was lying to me about the extent of his affair.

All the concerns I had, were validated for me today. ESPECIALLY the part that I felt the X counselor did not challenge my husband enough! That is so frickin depressing to hear. I ended up walking away last year wondering what was wrong with me!!!!

So here we are counselor #4!!!!! And this time I made sure I asked about experience regarding affairs and what her ideas were. WE ( new counselor and me) both agreed that not all these schmucks (my words not hers) should be counseling couples who are dealing w/ affairs. When I met her I was excited that she had read all the books! You know "after the affair", "surviving infidelity", and "not just friends". I knew that she had a better understanding. My counselor REALLY shed some enlightenment today. I can not wait to get my husband in there. Here we go again, we are finally ready to start MC again. She helped me with the argument that we had on Friday and a discussion we couldn't agree upon but it wasn't an argument last Saturday. Wow!!!

When I started seeing her my intentions were going to be for us to get back into MC but I often felt like what is wrong with me? So I decided to just do IC w/her. Until I felt ready to go MC w/ husband.

Really ladies remember when I said (my husband)he didn't remember the dates of my dday. She really feels that if he my husband REALLY understood the devestation of his affair and what it did to me, he would have known the significance of the time frame. It's not that he isn't remorseful. It's not that my husband isn't trying. But she said he has MORE to learn. She said that his IC only covered the CONTENT of the affair during therapy but needed to deal w/ the context!!!! It was depressing and sad to hear but it's true. Most importantly feeling validated, I realized that I was putting LOTS of pressure on myself to change and work at being happy. After all physically my husband was doing what he should be doing as a rebuilding spouse. I felt like an empty glass that nobody could fill and I thought it was all my fault. I thought what more can I ask of my husband that he already hasn't done? What is wrong with me that I feel like a pessimistic crabby person. She made me realize that there was lots more I could ask and expect of him.

I can not stop crying when I think of my appt. today. I don't know why it makes me so emotional. Is it because I am angry at my time wasted with these morons of counselors? Is it because I feel "free" and I can stop beating myself up? Is it because what if my husband doesn't understand how important it is to me that he listens to this counselor. Maybe I am scared that he may realize that he thought he was doing great but I learned that he has a LONGER route to take then he thought. Maybe he won't want to do it? After all the counselors I have put him thru. Why should he want to listen to this one?

I so badly needed to journal. And come talk to everyone. I feel different. I think I am just scared. Scared if husband decides not to be open minded. He's not generally a close minded person. But we will be opening some new territory. Wish me luck. Thank you, Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 10:14am
((((Tea)))) Big hugs. Tears of joy for being validated and at the same time the anger and fear set in. The anger is for the past counselors that screwed with your mind. Let it go. It's not productive and will set you back. The fear is how your H will react. It's fear of the unknown and we all have it. Don't let it take you over. You're starting with a new MC, take it slow, baby steps, one day at a time. You're going to come out shining! I just know it!......hugs and love.........found
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 10:27pm

I just got home and I'm falling asleep as I type, but I couldn't go to bed without sending you giant (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I will think more on what you wrote and hopefully I will be able to send you some advice tomorrow (or Monday at the latest). I really just wanted you to to know that you are in my thoughts and I care about you. I'm sure everything will be fine with you, your H and your new counselor.

love,
bbalm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:49pm

Huge Hugs Tea!

I am sorry you have been thru the ringer with counseling -- that is so hard. I had a rough time w/our first MC, who is now my H's IC. It is really hard and I worry all the time that he isn't challenging H enough. How can things really change if H isn't being uprfront and the C isn't asking?

There is so much work and true progress is slow. It is easy to see why you are grieving lost time and especially self doubt. When a 'pro' makes a statement, you think it is gospel. But kind of like any field, there are good and bad and exceptional. I hope you have finally discovered the latter!

Take care Tea and get your grief out and move past it! You cannot keep beating yourself up and you are going to need energy to work w/this counsellor!

Again, hugs Tea.
Imommy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 11:43pm

Hi Tea, thought I would jump in on this one. My H & I have had the same MC since one month after DDay, my H found her and begged me to go, I am very glad I did.

Our last MC session was about 6 weeks ago, we had kind of run out of things to talk about, we all agreed she had given us all the tools she could and we agreed. This was very scarey for me, I knew my H was so glad to not have to go again, I know men have a hard time doing this, but he hung in there for almost 2 years. I feel as if I'm not ready to let go, so I still see her once every 6 weeks. We have had one session with me alone, and I have my next one in 2 days. It is actually nice to be able to talk about other things, to not focus on the M. Our youngest child will be going out of state to college this year, and it has me freaked out...our oldest stayed home and is going to college, but I am really going through some different emotions now with this, so I am glad I still have her and she knows my history.

I can honestly say, the affair is not on my mind half as much as it was even 2 months ago, I am so glad I have reached this point, and my H is again the man I have always known. My comment here, is more of a question. How long is too long to see a MC? Is there such a point and time? Did my H and I quit too soon? Personally I don't think so, and I guess that is the answer, it is up to each individual couple, but then again can a M survive going over the hurt month after month? Towards the end of our sessions, we wouldn't even discuss the A, it was just the day to day issues, or the communication we had to work on...but I would have never made it without our MC, and I am so glad she is going to continue to be there, but I also know it is the last place my H ever wants to be again...our MC pounded on him, and with good cause, and it really did help for him to see what he had done to us.

I hope your new MC is a good one, but many times mine said things I didn't want to hear, I needed to hear it, but I didn't always want to hear it. Keep up the good work Tea!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 3:23pm
We are also on our second counselor. He didn't like the first one because he didn't like what we talked about. He had a pre-concieved notion of how a counseling session should go. So off to the second and now this one is in my face. Saying "well, what was he supposed to do, you weren't giving him attention" WHAT! I expected him to honor his marriage vows!! My husband travels for a living and pretty much does what he wants. Do I check on him. No. I assumed he would never do this and look who's the ass, me.
I hope things go better...