Gender, Betrayal, Stereotypes, Misogyny
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|Sun, 10-18-2009 - 2:38am|
I've seen a trend and I want input.
I'm male, 42 years old, I come from a conservative family where Mom stayed home and Dad worked very hard. The two of them failed to connect properly and probably only stayed together out of religious reasons. I've worked since I was 13. I tucked my head down and put in the overtime so we could get ahead. I was a poor communicator and really never understood the whole male/female disconnect until I got my teeth kicked in by my spouses affair.
My spouse keeps saying that I was abusing her all these years, I was abandoning her emotionally. I thought I was a good husband as I worked really hard, I always provided. I even took some really awful jobs because I had to. I always felt unappreciated with regards to that. (I don't know if anyone on this list has ever hauled sheet rock from 5 am to 8 pm for a summer with dudes who were mostly on parol for doing something really awful, but it's a crapy way to earn a buck.) I would come home and it didn't look like a whole lot got done around the house including dinner.
My spouse would say things like "I probably love you more than you will ever love me." After the affairs she said that I beat her into the ground "all those years."
Ok, So I was lazy, I get that. I watched way too much tv. I didn't help out with the laundry like I should. I should have cooked more but before the affairs started, I was cooking breakfast every day for the kids so she could study or go to school or work. And my spouse does things that I frankly think are really stupid and I use to say so. (now I bite my tongue, try and step back and chuckle to my self and tell myself "it's cute," not stupid. Sort of the whole "If Tuna is the chicken of the sea ... is it really chicken or fish?)
Ok, so I get it. (I think) Women are upset at us men because we don't reach out to them emotionally and we are lazy around the home. Men are upset because we perceive the world in an analytical way rather than through emotions.
I'll be honest, I've learned a great deal over the past year about emotions. I got my emotional butt whoooped by this woman I've been living with for 20 years. She claims I've been whoooping her emotional butt for 20 years. And therefore the affair was inevitable and essentially my fault.
So, are the woman more upset about the men's affairs or the 20 years of emotional abandonment? I was frustrated with my spouse for 20 years, but i t was the affair that knocked me cold. I'm willing to try and stop what she perceives that I was doing to her for all these years in hopes that she will never do that to me again. I give my oath that I'm going to figure out this woman. To simply explain, I don't know I have it in me to endure another affair.
Or maybe what I'm reading into all these posts is just my misogyny, my stereotyping. I would really like someone to help walk me through this because I hear you all saying exactly what my spouse is saying to me. Your husbands were crapy husbands AND they had an affair. My spouse says I was a crapy husband and so she HAD an affair. I don't hear too many of the dudes say that their wife's were bad to them AND she had an affair. These expressions seem to be more along gender lines. I could be wrong.
Throw rocks here ----> Thomas