giving up (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
giving up (long)
6
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 11:50am

Last Friday my H and I drove to Pompano Beach to stay in a hotel before going scuba diving on Sat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-30-2009 - 9:19am
I wouldn't give a damn about your H saying he's not sure he wants a divorce; in fact, I wouldn't give a damn about anything he said because his actions speak volumes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Sat, 05-30-2009 - 9:18am

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was married for 21 yrs. to a similar man. The reality is, is that you have been abused by this man, and you need it to stop now. I too did so much for my ex, and wanted to please him etc., but I realize now that he was emotionally abusing me. If you don't want to dive, then do not dive for anyone! You almost lost your life, and he didn't seem to care. It is not your job in life to make this man happy, you need to start living for yourself, and doing what you love to do, not what he wants you to do. I know 27 yrs. is a long time, and you have invested so much into your marriage, and done so much for him, but it is now time to start living for yourself, and not him! It should not be about whether or not he wants a divorce, what do you want? If I were you, I would tell him to get out of the house now, and please find yourself a good lawyer. It is time to do what you want to do and not what he wants you to do! I know it is so scary being out on your own after so many years, but you can do it! I didn't think I could, but I am doing it, and I am living for myself, and my kids, and not to please him anymore. My ex is now living with the OW, and I honestly don't know how happy they are, but I don't care anyway!

Please take care of yourself, you have been through so much, and he doesn't seem to care that you almost died. Also for him to tell you you should just kill yourself, that is terrible, and so abusive. What if you said that to him, how do you think he would feel?

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 3:13pm

Your husband is not there for you physically or emotionally. He does not carry your best interests in his heart. He is investing himself in someone that he knows does not care.(His words... right!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 1:48pm

Kathy,


My thoughts and prayers are with you.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 1:16pm

Kathy,


Time to get your life back. Your husband is no good for you and you don't deserve to be treated like this. We are about the same age and my H also had an A with a much younger woman. I have put up with a lot from my H in the past but I realise that he is not going to change as much as I need him to in order for ME to be happy. I think we have both been far too concerned about our husband's happiness and have let ourselves recede into the background. I keep thinking about being without him and it saddens me, but when I think about staying with him that doesn't fill me with happiness either!


Have you seen a counsellor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 12:37pm

Hello,

I am a long time lurker and was appalled by your story. I understand that you are going through a lot of pain, and please by all means work through that pain cry and get upset, but I hope that in the end you can get some courage to stand up and say “no more, not this time”.
“I asked if once they told him that something had happened to me if he hadn’t thought that if I had died it would solve all the problems and he said that he had.”
This is disgusting and heartbreaking I can not believe he said something so awful, while you were weak and needed his support. I can not believe that such a human being walks this earth. I truly can not express how disgusted, angry and heartbroken that sentence makes me.

Please know that this treatment is NOT ok, not even for the most insignificant. I hope that you can find strength within yourself to start loving YOU and taking care of YOU because that is all that matters. It is time to STOP worrying about his well being and focus on a happier you. Once this happens, the strength will come to you where you can look him straight in the eye and say “I’ve had enough”. Just because he isn’t sure about divorce doesn’t mean it won’t happen, with the way he treated you I would think it would be obvious to him that a divorce is necessary for your health and safety.

Please take care of yourself right now! Be kind to yourself and know none of this is your fault it is a complete character flaw in your husband.