Good month (?) Rebuilders or others

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Good month (?) Rebuilders or others
8
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 10:24am

Don't you hate when you post something and it get's deleted... Here I go again

I was hoping for some advice from rebuilders or anyone else that has had to heal from this crap....
For the first time in our almost 7mths of rebuilding I have been feeling stable. I have mentioned this before but what I am wondering is, what to expect?

Will this feeling of stability stick around or is it pretty likely that I will probably go thru another stage of rage and loneliness?
Am I more at the acceptance stage? I am afraid to get to hopeful and when or if I regress I want to be warned and not be disaappointed in myself if that should happen so I am asking my friends here what to expect.

We have had a good month and when I say that there has been lots of talking, crying, yelling (from me), but the best part is I feel stable. I feel our relationship is more stable and we are improving immensely. I have gained lots of insight this month. If you dissect our rebuilding I feel that the first 3mths were very honeymoonish with anger and rage, the last 3mths were full of anger and rage and now this a calm stability feeling. I even had thoughts of forgiveness on my mind, although I am not ready "yet" to grant forgiveness. I can not believe that I even had those thoughts. I know I shouldn't hold this granting like a high and mighty person but it's very important to me to reach that goal, someday and when I do it will be special to me. The realistic side says those thoughts are just creeping because of the holidays. But anyways.........

Can I ask where you found yourself at 6/7 mths and what to expect? Thank you and Happy Holidays, Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:08am

Tea, Today marks 1 year of rebuilding. I know what you mean about the grainting of forgivness and how special that will be. I feel the exact same way. I am not there yet but since about month 7 I have felt "stable". There are still triggers but not to the point of being worth talking about. I mean I don't feel the need now to bring each and every trigger up to my H. Now when they hit I go to him and sit on his lap or hold his hand or call him on the phone just to hear his voice and remind myself that we are no longer on that horrible roller coaster. I have just also started to make plans for future things. Like a trip in Feb. with my h and our kids. Something I would not have done 5 months ago. For a matter of fact in August when my H said something about Christmas "I said we will have to see how we are doing then. I am not ready to commit to anything beyond today.." So when I told him I had sent the deposit for the trip in Feb. He came up to me and kissed me... Took me on his lap and said "I love you thank you for believing in us" I am not saying we are in the clear or that I am ready to fully trust him yet. But I feel better about myself. I am not sure how to explain it.. I guess I feel I have a choice and a voice now. I decided to stay and fight my way past the fear and anger. He was there every step of the way no matter what I said or did to test "us". I had one foot out the door more times then I care to count but when push came to shove I always decided I was where "I" wanted to be. I guess maybe I forgave myself for being too dependent on my H. I have learned I can love him but I do not have to "live to please him". i hope that makes sense. Anyway I am happy for you. I can't say we are out of the woods so to speak but at least that gut turning feeling has passed....

Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:28pm

Tea...I think you are in a good place right now. For the first few months...maybe even the first year or so, you have that pendulum of emotions swinging wildly. The anger, the rage, the honeymooning, the anger, the Retrouvialle weekend. At some point there needs to be a leveling off of all these emotions. You have to get back to "normal". For me, normal felt safe.

For a long time I felt so lost because I didn't remember what it actually felt like..."normal". I wanted to be there. I can honestly tell you, that I am there. I also want you to know that it is now hard for me to remember that unbearable roller-coaster. I can if I go digging into the archives of my mind. Actually sometimes posts from here take me back there...but that's OK because I feel safe.

Tea...as you move foward with your healing, I think you will feel more stable with each day. I think you should expect that there will be days when you revert back to other stages of the grieving process, but I also expect that you will recover more quickly, and you will have longer periods of stability.

Be patient. Keep dialoging....every day! Even if you have to use the "What made me happy today?...DYAF" question 5 days in a row! You are doing fine.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 8:27pm

Thank you julie and Irene!

I really hope to reach that stabilization and know that it can be uphill from here. I just want to feel normal and I finally am starting to feel that way. Thank you again. Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 9:04pm

So well put. We, really it's more I am at 5/6 months (July 8). Hubby has had since May 2001. Anyway...

I have days when the sky is blue the birds are singing and I am so happily married I surprise myself, but unfortunately there are days when I feel sucked under by a tidal wave. I too would love to tell hubby that "I forgive you," but I can't. Maybe it is because I don't still understand how someone who loves you so dearly can hurt you so badly.

I think the feeling of being disappointed again is the hurdle yet to tall to jump. The what if, is haunting. All could be sunshine and roses, and then BOOM! I thought it was sunshining before so...

Time heals all, how much time? I guess I will just have keep climbing and hope that I make it over that hurdle without getting hurt and that there isn't a ditch on the other side.

Broken98

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 12:10pm

Happy New Year, Tea!

I just wanted to drop you a quick line and thank you for posing this question to those who are further along in the rebuilding process than either you or I. It definitely helps to know what to expect (at any stage).

I hope your holidays were as wonderful as mine were (finally!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 12:34pm

Hello bbalm you must post and let me know how you and hubby are doing. It's great to read such hopeful stories and the process. One thing I will not lie is there is still pain and we deal with it but it's definately different. Gone is that hopeless and lonely feeling. My husband has come a long way and I am very proud of that. In fact I have felt fabulous lately. It's amazing to me. I don't like to give new comers the wrong impression that every thing gets hunky dory but it really feels great to feel NORMAL!!!!
and happy. best wishes,

Tea
7mo of rebuilding and 9mo since my last dday when I found out the whole truth.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 3:31pm

"I think the feeling of being disappointed again is the hurdle yet to tall to jump. The what if, is haunting. All could be sunshine and roses, and then BOOM! I thought it was sunshining before so..."

I understand about this fear, as do many others on this board. The way I try to handle this emotion is realizing that my H & I have finally turned a corner in the right direction. We've both laid all our cards on the table and we're ready to heal. The chance that he'll have another A is always going to be there in my mind, even though he says he learned his lesson and will never do it again. We're doing all we can do to get our marriage back on track and it's up to my H to prove to me that he can be trusted.

For me I look at it as a wait and see situation. My H is already doing small things to rebuild the trust so that helps my feelings a lot. If the worst happens and he has another A, knowing what I know now, I won't tolerate it. That's where we as BS's have power. Yes, it'll rip my heart out again, but since I'm choosing to stay in the marriage I'm willing to give it some time and see how things go. I try not to worry too much about possible future disappoinments because I'm trying to get rid of these obsessive, negative thoughts about the past 3 1/2 months, so I hate to add to that!!

I try to focus on the here and now, but I also try to look to the future realistically too and am making myself stronger to face whatever decisions I might have to down the road. Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 2:17am
Hi Tea and all rebuilders,
I haven't been on the site in awhile, I like the changes, we have our own heading now. I can't believe I am 18 months from DDay, there are days I can remember it detail by detail as if it were an hour ago.
I told our MC, I don't things will ever be the same, I have come to the realization that those anxiety attacks, or doubts I get are only my own insecurities. I cannot blame my H for my own insecurities. I think that is what bothers me now, is I never used to be that way, I now notice when he looks or talks or talks about another woman, and it bothers me, I refrain from asking stupid questions, like "How do you know her" "IS she married" "Does she know you are married". I did that for at least a year after DDay, and even though at times I want to ask, I do not.
That is what the MC said, I guess I am improving since I know it is my own insecurity and nothing he is warranting, and that I can control the same questions. The MC said, things will never be the same, there was something lost, there was grief, our marriage is no longer what it used to be. I think I am finally trying to accept this. The question it brings is will it be enough?
Always a question, always a doubt, when I never had them before...at this point I just want to find me again, that strong, independent, stand up gal I knew a year and a half ago...I think she is slowly coming back, and I know I am the only thing that is stopping her. Wishing you all a very Happy New Year!