H answered questions! (Sorry so long...)

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Registered: 07-26-2005
H answered questions! (Sorry so long...)
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:42pm

I had to post this for the other rebuilders out there. I had mentioned before in my previous postings that on the third and final d-day in May, my H answered my questions about the A. However, you know that later on you think of more questions that you want answers to. Well, my H and I started the MC, and my H would get so angry with me for bringing the A up again. Then of course I was angry because he wouldn't help give me closure by answering the questions. The MC intervened and told me that I was going to have to let the questions go because it was only pushing us further apart and keeping us from moving forward. She said just because he wouldn't answer the questions didn't mean he didn't love me or was holding on to the A -- instead, he's a guy, and men push things away and want to forget about them and move on. Women instead focus in on those things with much detail.

So I basically dropped the questions for the sake of rebuilding even though some of those questions have remained in the back of my mind.

Well, this weekend (almost 8 months after we began rebuilding), my H and I started having a great conversation late one night this weekend. I asked him one question because he seemed open and willing to talk and had brought up something concerning the A. So we finally started talking about it. I asked him why he had the A. He told me that he didn't realize what he was doing at the beginning and where it was leading. We were having marital problems, and the OW was just someone he had things in common with and who listened to him. He said basically that she was in the right place at the right time and helped use our marital issues as a way to leverage herself in his life. She made sure she was always there for him and always showed herself in a good light. She never disagreed with him, never judged him, and supported him in everything. Meanwhile, of course, I looked like the bad guy because we were fighting, and I was demanding he have NC with the OW and end this relationship with this great "friend" of his.

He said the A was not serious, and that he couldn't remember the details of sleeping with her. He said he's just blocked that out and doesn't even want to think about it. (I believe this to a degree. I believe he remembers but doesn't want to and pushes it "out of sight, out of mind.")

I asked him if he told her he loved her. He said he did, but in a friend way, not a "I'm deeply in love with you and going to leave my W for you" way. However, I then asked him if he ever told her he was going to leave me for her. He said that he did, but it was in a moment of anger and hurt, and that he wasn't serious about it. He also told me the OW had more feelings for him than she wanted to admit to me when she confessed the PA to me finally (because my H continued to deny it). He said he told her that partly just to pacify her.

He told me (just as the OW told me) that the A was very inconsistent, and he really didn't see her a lot during the time the A was going on. Usually when he'd go and see her, it was because we'd been in a huge fight so he'd run to her for comfort basically. He said a lot of the times that I suspected he was with her, he actually wasn't. (Which I had felt in my heart but wasn't sure of.)

He also finally confessed to being in a neighboring state with her one weekend in February (the weekend before Valentine's Day in fact). I had already figured this out, but he wouldn't talk about it before. He swears nothing was going on that weekend between them and that they were with all of her friends in a group that weekend. I still don't fully believe this. I just think he doesn't want to hurt me by telling me that yes, he was with her in a hotel room all weekend.

It also still bothers me that I can't pinpoint when they had the PA. He said that toward the end of February, he was really angry with me because I kept accusing him of cheating on me when he wasn't (basically telling me that he hadn't had a PA yet). (And, yes, I know and told him that he was cheating on me already EMOTIONALLY which he understands and realizes was wrong, but he's adamant that he hadn't had sex with her by that time.)

What bothers me about this is that they broke off contact two weeks later and then resumed contact for the month of May. So if they weren't having the PA in February, then it was either the two weeks in March or in May (which hurts me even more because I was under the impression from the OW that the PA happened sometime between January and March). So I'm irritated that he won't give me specifics. He did upset with me when I tried to get him to pinpoint it, and that's when he gave me the spill about having blocked it out.

Basically, we had a good talk, but everything he told me still isn't quite adding up. There are a lot of contradictions there even now. But then I have to remember that he wasn't thinking rationally plus he admitted to me that he was drinking almost every single day during the time the A was going on. So he honestly may not be able to completely remember or pinpoint everything. The timeline in his head probably has gaps and missing pieces because of the heavy drinking. I think the PA started that first weekend in February. My heart and my head tell me that. Why would he have went out-of-state with her and then lied to everyone including his boss/best friend and said he was working out of town all weekend? Why would he have bought her chocolate, a card and stuffed animal for her and took it to her house Valentine's Day weekend if they weren't already sleeping together? That's what's still not adding up to me. I don't think he's being 100% honest about the PA and when it happened.

Don't take it wrong from what I've written here -- my H knows what he did was wrong and that he was 100% responsible. But he told me of a different side of her that I figured was there, but she didn't want me to see. When I asked him about a receipt I found for a candle, card and chocolates he purchased in January of last year, he said he bought that for her. However, he added (and he was so serious about this that I really believe him) that he did it because she asked him to. She was going on about how no one loved her, her dad didn't love her, etc. So he bought it to make her feel better.

What I think was the positive from all of this is that he finally has realized that she was playing him too throughout all of this and that she's not a good person. She was in this for her own selfish reasons. She wanted me to look like the bad guy and herself like the angel and supportive "friend" and did everything she could to make that happen. He said he realizes now that he was so hurt, he didn't see that she was manipulating the situation and things he told her to paint me in a bad light and her in a good one. What he told me about some of the things she did also proved three things I had already suspected -- that she wasn't an "innocent victim" in all of this, that she wasn't supportive of him staying with me(as she told me) and that she has a lot of insecurities and self-esteem issues. He also mentioned that all of her friends are guys. I told him that this should have been a huge red flag to him. In my experience, girls who have only guy friends and no girl friends means that there is a reason other women won't be friends with her -- because they see the true person (not what she wants others to see) and don't like that person. Basically, it's because the girl is either a b***h or a boyfriend/husband stealer. Guys tend not to see those things or are just blind to them.

I'm really glad we could have such a good discussion about all of this. He opened up to me a lot. He's not trying to paint himself as an innocent victim either but he also showed me the side of her that she didn't want me to see or know about when I talked to her and met her. I actually feel sorry for her. She seems lonely, needy and pathetic. I wouldn't trade places with her in a million years.

I am also secure in the fact that my H wasn't going to leave me for her. He said it to her out of anger towards me, but when push came to shove and I made him leave twice, he didn't want to. I had to almost physically throw him out.

I saw a very emotional and vulnerable side of my H this weekend that he hasn't let me see in along time. I also realized just how much hurt he was experiencing during the A. I had this image in my mind of a cold-hearted, selfish, cruel H that he had become during that time . It was like he was heartless. I see now that wasn't truly the case. He was actually feeling guilt and shame and was hurting a lot too just like I was. I also realize just how much he truly loves me because of the things he told me and shared with me. (My mom even told me that him having the A wasn't like him because she knew how much he loved me. Her thought was that he was so hurt, he was looking elsewhere for comfort and was basically self-destructing.) My H also said he WAS self-destructive during that time and had no self-respect. He said he hated the person he had become and felt tremendous guilt for everything he was putting all of us through (including his own mom and sister).

My H also said one more thing which I had already figured out -- a lot of what he did during the A was to get back at me (not a nice thing, I know). It was a situation where he saw me as trying to be his mom by demanding that he have NC with the OW. So he became the rebellious teenager and started doing just the opposite of everything I asked. I truly don't think he realized how deep he'd gotten himself into this mess or how much he was hurting me until he was in over his head. I also think he was telling himself that his "friendship" with her was OK because they hadn't been physical at that point, and that I was just being jealous and irrational. Now he realizes that I was right, and he was majorly wrong. By doing what he did, he told the OW that she was more important to him than I was (which gave her leverage over him), and he was helping set up the whole situation by continuing to lie and sneak around with their "friendship" even if nothing physical was going on. By being so rebellious and so damned hard-headed, he pushed himself away from me and right to her. (And he could never understand why I was so angry with him when all of this was going on! Hello! I could see where this was going!)

I'm not trying to justify anything my H did during the A, but it helped me to understand what he was feeling, thinking and experiencing during that time. It also confirmed that the A wasn't a full-blown "I'm in love with you (the OW) and leaving my wife" situation so I'm comforted by that fact.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to share this breakthrough that I had with my H. It shows that if you are patient, the WS can and possibly will open up again and answer more of your questions. I confirmed what my heart felt -- that he had the A out of anger and hurt but that it wasn't serious. He also no longer has any good feelings toward the OW because he's realized that she was never his friend. If she was, she wouldn't have done the things she did either.

Thanks for letting me get all of this out!



Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 3:40am


Wow, I wonder if this is the door opening to the 'deeper' relationship I keep hearing about after an A. Do you feel he opened up more now than ever, sharing emotions he never dared before?

How did your 8 months go on a day to day basis? Did you feel like you were faking a relationship? That is how I feel. I keep trying to tell myself, 'fake it until you make it.' I actually felt more love from my H during the EA than I do now. Actually, there were many times after the A, while still seperated, I felt his love. I know he loves me, I just cannot feel it. I don't know if it his behavior or me blocking him?

girls who have only guy friends and no girl friends means that there is a reason other women won't be friends with her -- because they see the true person (not what she wants others to see) and don't like that person. Basically, it's because the girl is either a b***h or a boyfriend/husband stealer.

Perhaps that is often the case, but the only people I can think who would ever call me a b***h would be the guys I've turned down. I've almost always had guy friends, a little tom-boyish as a child, but I don't think that should be the case while married. I've been married for nearly 12 yrs. So I have really sort of been friendless. I have a couple of girl acquantances, but nothing I'd really call a friend. For some reason I just do not relate well to other women. I do not like to shop, wear make-up, care about fashion, etc. (I'm not an ugly-duckling hiding in the shadows either - I'm not beautiful, but I'd say on a scale of 1-10 I'm at least a 6, maybe a 7. Due to freckles I tend to fall more on the 'cute' side. I hate those freckles!) I've had boyfriends stolen from me, but I've never stolen one - I've never even looked at another man since with H until he left me for the OW and then it was only for a week or two. (But then, most of my guy friends did turn out to be gay :-) My brother, who was gay (died 12/04), would complain to my sister I had more gay guys asking me out than him.

....anyway, enough about me!

That is great news about you & your husband. I really hope this does open up new doors to your relationship. Hopefully you'll both feel some closure. It's great he now has enough wits to see what was really going on. From what I've read I'm a little annoyed at your MC, from my understanding for the BS to heal is to haver his/her questions answered. Sort of bothersome that the WS, after such a selfish act of the A, continues to hold your emotions hostage. Where does the WS become the focus & allowed to heal?

I know patience is important, I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be to get through the 1st year (sort of like labor). I'm barely a month into it myself.

One Day at a Time!


"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
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Registered: 07-22-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 9:16am

pinkgirl, I am so happy for you! These talks are hard to understand and you are right at times they get your head spinning because you know you heard parts of it told another way. My H will not tell me when the PA started either he says early spring between March and April. However they had been meeting since Dec so I am not sure what to think. Then one day I said to myself what does it matter? Would I stop rebuilding if I found out it was Feb not March or April? The answer was no. I do not have all the details and like you there are still allot of questions. But I have decided that I no longer "need" the answers to go on. Don't get me wrong if he wants to talk I will listen but I am not in the same place I was before. I no longer crave the answers so much that it hurts>.. If you know what I mean.

I am so happy for you that he has opened up and wants to share that side of himself.


Yahoo! Avatars

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 9:33am

I agree, firstglimpse, with the:

"girls who have only guy friends and no girl friends means that there is a reason other women won't be friends with her -- because they see the true person (not what she wants others to see) and don't like that person. Basically, it's because the girl is either a b***h or a boyfriend/husband stealer. "

I have one close female friend and the rest are pretty much men. I find women can be backstabbers, petty and extremely passive aggresive. I don't steal boyfriends and husbands and if you consider me a "b***h because I have a spine and don't let people walk all over me, well you have problem more than me.


Just a thought, but it might do you some good to understand what happened by judging people on their actions more so than words. You can take what people say with a grain of salt. I've noticed that people say what they want other people to hear, not necessarily the truth. The bottom line is your husband is home with you and not with the OW. Who she is, why she did what she did is of no importance to you. There are a million more out there just like her and your husband will come in contact with more potential OWs.

You only need to understand your husband. Let your feeling toward this lady go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 10:23am

Strangely enough, this is basicly the same thing my husband told me. At the time I thought it was very convienent (and unlikey) to just block out what happened and not to be able to recall the details. It helps to know that maybe this is the way men are wired, and that at least some of what he stated in the past is true.

P.S. I evny you, I still seem to have some unresolved issues. My husband gets furious when I bring up the A. I think if he'd be willing to answer the questions I still have I'd be able to move on and head toward healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:26pm

I am so happy for your breakthrough! I know things don't always add up. My MC told me that women biologically are wired to be more detail oriented and that's why we want specifics, to piece things together so that it makes sense to us. Then we can move on, even if it means nothing. It won't get the WS deeper into the pit they've already managed to bury themselves in, which they don't quite get, but it will help the BS to move on and heal. The WS would rather wipe the slate clean and move on forgetting the past and focus on now and the future, however, the BS has a hard time seeing the future since her world has been turned upside down and inside out and everything the WS says is just words.

I know there are details the BS will never know, and doesn't need to know, however, there are some specifics that the BS needs to know which varies from couple to couple. If left in the dark, I'm afraid those unanswered questions could easily fester into resentment and the so-called rebuilding will be a facade bc underneath the BS is on simmer ready to boil over. As stated in "Not Just Friends" the WS must be willing to answer whatever questions the BS has, and it is the BS who determines how much he/she needs to know, NOT the WS. Afterall, on what grounds would the WS have to say he/she will determine what needs to be known. At this point the WS has no grounds to stand on. It also states that the discussion should be as you and your H had, in a mutual setting, where you're BOTH on the same side, not the BS interrogating the WS, as in the case right after DDay.

I'm glad you and your H have reached that point where you're both on the same side, trying to bring closure to this whole thing. I know it's still a long haul for you, but at least the worst part is over. Did you H tell you how many times they had sex and if they had OS? I don't know if those details are important to you, but they are important to me. I guess bc I want to know what I was doing all that time and I can get a fairly good picture of what I was doing by looking at my credit card receipts and my daytimer, as well as my cell phone bill. My H told me that OW performed OS on him the first time they had a sexual encounter. I don't have an ounce of desire for my H sexually at this time. Not one ounce. How did you handle this? Also, is it 8 months into rebuilding or 8 months since DDay? Thanks so much for all your advice and encouragement. Sorry for any typos, no time to proofread.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 10:58pm

I agree completely. I am actually at the point where I didn't "need" the answers anymore. However, since he was being so open and honest, I thought it would help to get at the root of why he did this. It really opened my eyes and helped me understand more of what he was going through emotionally during it all. He was really hurting and basically repressing it and acting out through the A instead of dealing with his feelings. I feel better since I've heard some of his explanations and reasoning for why he did what he did. I realize he wasn't intentionally being cruel to me. It was more of self-loathing, guilt, anger, etc at himself that he was reacting to.

As I said, it doesn't justify it but it helps me to understand. I think us being able to talk about it openly was cathartic (sp?) for both of us. It brought us to the next level of healing from the A, and it really upped my respect for him because he was willing to discuss it with me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:16pm

My H told me the same thing about the number of times they had sex this time as he did back in May -- once or twice. The OW told me six or seven. So I figure it's probably somewhere in the middle -- three or four times. As far as OS, I did ask my H that question back in May when he was answering all of my questions honestly. He told me that they never had OS. He was being open and completely honest at that time, so I have no reason to believe otherwise. Plus he was drinking all of the time including during their PA encounters so just from knowing my H, it was probably more of a quickie thing than anything really close and intimate. So I haven't had much of an issue with the sex side of it. I did have some times where I couldn't be intimate with him (after we went through that initial "honeymoon" period), but he was understanding. I don't even think about it now to be honest. As our MC told me four months ago, I was keeping the OW in our bed by obsessing over her. It was time to kick her out of there. Once I did that, I really haven't thought much about them together sexually since.

We're actually 8 months into rebuilding and past the third and final D-day. That day was May 31 (a Tuesday). He begged me that same night (after I told him I was divorcing him and wanted nothing more to do with him -- I had already kicked him out the week before) to go to counseling and that he wanted to save the M. He said he would do whatever it takes. We even had a three-way call on the phone with the OW that night. He apologized to both of us for what he'd done and told her that he wanted to work things out with me --his wife. We started MC that Saturday so we've been rebuilding for 8 months now.

I agree about what Not Just Friends says about the questions. However, the MC said it was at a point where the questions were no longer healthy for either of us. They were pushing us apart, making us angry with each other, and were serving no purpose. All it was doing was dragging us backwards three months and keeping us living in the past with the A. I was angry with our counselor at first, but after thinking about it for a while and posting here on the board, I realized that she was right. The fact was that my H cheated on me and had sex with another woman. Does it really matter how many times they had sex? No. Does it matter if he was gone one weekend with her? No. Does it matter if she ever rode in his car with him? No. The fact is that he had an A, period.

So at some point, you have to let go of the questions in order to move forward and rebuild. It's hard, but it's necessary. The other thing the counselor said is the BS will never get the 100% truthful answers to 100% of the questions that he/she asks the WS. The fact is that the WS is human and wants to paint him/herself in the best light. Plus, if you're in the rebuilding process and the WS is truly remorseful and guilty about the A, then he/she doesn't want to cause you anymore pain. So you'll get glossed-over answers. I realized she was completely right.

So I let it go. And we're happy now because of it. We're now 8 months down the road, and he opened up to me without me even asking. That to me is progress and better than me grilling him with a 1000 questions five months ago.

Hope that helps.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:46pm

Yes, he's opening up more and more to me now, but it's because I'm not pushing him. I'm just being "me" and being happy in our M. So it's a natural progression because he's feeling more comfortable. I take that as a good sign. He realized through the counseling that he has to talk to me more and not keep his feelings in (whether good or bad. He's supposed to share because what's the point of being married if you can't?

For the first three months of rebuilding, I did feel like I was faking it. We were both miserable. I was angry, resentful and trying to be the "perfect wife" because I was going through that self-blame period. I had one foot in the door and one foot out. We would be fine during the week, but everytime the weekend came, we would have a huge argument/explosion and spend the weekend ignoring each other or in silence. I felt like I was living with a roommate instead of my H.

My MC told me to do three things that really changed everything:

1. Stop focusing on my H and start focusing on ME. This "perfect wife" thing was not me or my personality and was not the person my H fell in love with. Plus it was making me miserable because I felt like I was faking it. I was so unhappy that one night while I was loading the dishwasher, my H walked in, asked me some question about daycare, and I broke down sobbing uncontrollably. It really freaked him out a little because I couldn't even catch my breath. That's when I realized how miserable I was. My H also knew this wasn't me and that I was unhappy so this whole "perfect wife" thing was actually a turn-off to him and was pushing him away. So I started focusing on ME -- I went to the spa; got a massage, manicure and pedicure; joined a gym and started being "me" again. It worked! I was happier, and my H was attracted to me because I was once again the strong, intelligent, confident person I was before instead of the needy, insecure person I had become. Plus ignoring him for a little while showed him that I could be happy and do just fine without him. It was an eye-opener for him.

2. The MC told me I had to stop trying to control the situation. I didn't trust him at all and wanted to know where he was, who he was with, didn't want him associating with certain people I didn't like, etc. The MC told me that he is an adult and has choices and decisions to make. I can't control that because he has his own mind. And even if I could, new situations would be created from that. I had to start trusting him at some level to do what was right or there was no reason for us to be married anymore. On that same note, she then looked at my H (because he was feeling really smug when she was telling me this) that he had to remember that I am also an adult and have my own decisions and choices to make too -- and if he made the wrong choice (i.e. if he ever cheated on me again), I would have a decision to make (i.e. leave him). He knows what my choice will be if this ever happens again. It got the point across to both of us, and I started trusting him again. That is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is what finally helped us move forward. I now trust my H 95% which I think is great and shows tremendous progress less than 1 year after we started rebuilding. I have to note though that the reason I can trust him is because my H has never given me a reason not to since we've started rebuilding. In fact, he's done everything possible to show me that I CAN trust him. So it's something that takes both people to rebuild the trust -- it can't be one-sided. I can honestly say that I don't worry about what he's doing anymore. He's out of town tonight, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

3. The MC told me to set a "deadline date." (She told me this in an individual session and not with my H around.) I told her (this was back in July/August) that I was miserable and had one foot in and one out. I really was thinking about walking out and leaving the M because I didn't think I could ever rebuild with my H or trust him again. I had always said if my H ever cheated on me, I would never stay, and it would be the end of the M. I was actually angry at myself for staying. (I learned never to say never.) So she told me to set a deadline date at least four months from that time. Until then, I was not to make a hasty decision because she was afraid if I chose to leave at that time, I would regret it later. I was reacting to the emotions because it was only two months after d-day. Once that deadline date came, I could then leave the M if I still felt the same way. I set my dealine date for December 31. Needless to say, she was right. If I hadn't stuck in there and worked with my H on the M, I would regret it for not having tried to save my M. I at least owed that to both of us and our DD who was only a year old. Well, December 31 came and went three weeks ago, and I honestly didn't even think about it. We're happy now and doing great. I'm so glad she had me set that date and stick to it.

As for the girls with only guy friends thing, I mean no disrespect at all. As I said, this is what I know from my own experiences. Every girl I know who has only guy friends -- it's due to the two reasons I put in my original post. I can honestly say that my sister is one of those girls. I hate to say this about my own sis, but she is a b***h to other women and treats them like crap. So she keeps only guy friends around because they are more forgiving and basically ignore the crap that women wouldn't put up with. Plus I can say from everything I know and have found out about the OW, this is the case for her. She doesn't have boundaries with committed men (she told me that another MM she's friends with tells her he loves her all the time -- she thinks this is normal), and everyone who's had interaction with her says she's a b***h. She's not the type of girl that you would want as a close friend because eventually she'll stab you in the back at some point. So I'm just saying this from my own observations and experiences. And I wouldn't say that gay guys count as part of those "male friends" :) To me, that's like having a best girl friend which is great!

Hope this helps. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:02am

As I said in my post, this is what I've seen from my own personal experiences. If you'll read my other post in this same string, my own sis is actually one of those women. I hate to say that, but she is a b***h to other women so that's why she has guy friends and not girl friends. Other women won't put up with her crap which is as it should be. I also know this is the case with the OW. If you took that personally, I apologize. However, I've seen from other posts that you tend to lash out at some of us for posting what are only our opinions. I would hope you would respect those as we respect yours. Nothing applies to every situation, and again, this is my opinion.

I have let go of the OW. The problem is that she works right across the street from where I live, is the realtor for my H's boss, and I came face-to-face with her last night. Plus we're in the process of buying a house and she's a realtor, so she keeps popping up in some form or another. I would love to not see her car across the street every day, but I'm OK with that. I'm moved on, and I really could care less about her in all honestly. She's not worthy of my time. I realized that months ago. I am able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and know I'm a good, honest person. She can't do the same. I feel sorry for her more than anything. My interaction last night reinforced that. And in the end, as you said, my H realized the kind of person she was and walked away from her. He chose me over her and would do it all over again.

I also know that actions speak louder than words. I did take what the OW said with a grain of salt and caught her in several lies during her confession. What do you expect from someone who would stoop so low as to have an A with someone else's H? Her actions were speaking pretty loudly, don't you think?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 8:45am

The other woman's actions are her actions. I dealt with my man's affair 15 years ago, and, trust me, I felt a lot like you do now back then. I was super irritated at OW as not only did she take my fiance from me, but tried to ingratiate herself with my friends and neighbors, and she spent a year stalking me.

But looking back on the whole issue in 2006, I just figure she has a lot of issues and I hope that the OW got the counseling she needs. It doesn't help that this OW is so physically near you, if you can somehow get her out of your life it will probably do a lot to make you feel a lot better.

But I just can't help thinking that all of us have made a bad decision or two in our life, it just isn't a matter of this person is bad and that person is good. Your sister might be a b***h to you but she might be very good at her job or great at her volunteer activities. I really don't like that word BTW.