H answered questions! (Sorry so long...)
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|Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:42pm|
I had to post this for the other rebuilders out there. I had mentioned before in my previous postings that on the third and final d-day in May, my H answered my questions about the A. However, you know that later on you think of more questions that you want answers to. Well, my H and I started the MC, and my H would get so angry with me for bringing the A up again. Then of course I was angry because he wouldn't help give me closure by answering the questions. The MC intervened and told me that I was going to have to let the questions go because it was only pushing us further apart and keeping us from moving forward. She said just because he wouldn't answer the questions didn't mean he didn't love me or was holding on to the A -- instead, he's a guy, and men push things away and want to forget about them and move on. Women instead focus in on those things with much detail.
So I basically dropped the questions for the sake of rebuilding even though some of those questions have remained in the back of my mind.
Well, this weekend (almost 8 months after we began rebuilding), my H and I started having a great conversation late one night this weekend. I asked him one question because he seemed open and willing to talk and had brought up something concerning the A. So we finally started talking about it. I asked him why he had the A. He told me that he didn't realize what he was doing at the beginning and where it was leading. We were having marital problems, and the OW was just someone he had things in common with and who listened to him. He said basically that she was in the right place at the right time and helped use our marital issues as a way to leverage herself in his life. She made sure she was always there for him and always showed herself in a good light. She never disagreed with him, never judged him, and supported him in everything. Meanwhile, of course, I looked like the bad guy because we were fighting, and I was demanding he have NC with the OW and end this relationship with this great "friend" of his.
He said the A was not serious, and that he couldn't remember the details of sleeping with her. He said he's just blocked that out and doesn't even want to think about it. (I believe this to a degree. I believe he remembers but doesn't want to and pushes it "out of sight, out of mind.")
I asked him if he told her he loved her. He said he did, but in a friend way, not a "I'm deeply in love with you and going to leave my W for you" way. However, I then asked him if he ever told her he was going to leave me for her. He said that he did, but it was in a moment of anger and hurt, and that he wasn't serious about it. He also told me the OW had more feelings for him than she wanted to admit to me when she confessed the PA to me finally (because my H continued to deny it). He said he told her that partly just to pacify her.
He told me (just as the OW told me) that the A was very inconsistent, and he really didn't see her a lot during the time the A was going on. Usually when he'd go and see her, it was because we'd been in a huge fight so he'd run to her for comfort basically. He said a lot of the times that I suspected he was with her, he actually wasn't. (Which I had felt in my heart but wasn't sure of.)
He also finally confessed to being in a neighboring state with her one weekend in February (the weekend before Valentine's Day in fact). I had already figured this out, but he wouldn't talk about it before. He swears nothing was going on that weekend between them and that they were with all of her friends in a group that weekend. I still don't fully believe this. I just think he doesn't want to hurt me by telling me that yes, he was with her in a hotel room all weekend.
It also still bothers me that I can't pinpoint when they had the PA. He said that toward the end of February, he was really angry with me because I kept accusing him of cheating on me when he wasn't (basically telling me that he hadn't had a PA yet). (And, yes, I know and told him that he was cheating on me already EMOTIONALLY which he understands and realizes was wrong, but he's adamant that he hadn't had sex with her by that time.)
What bothers me about this is that they broke off contact two weeks later and then resumed contact for the month of May. So if they weren't having the PA in February, then it was either the two weeks in March or in May (which hurts me even more because I was under the impression from the OW that the PA happened sometime between January and March). So I'm irritated that he won't give me specifics. He did upset with me when I tried to get him to pinpoint it, and that's when he gave me the spill about having blocked it out.
Basically, we had a good talk, but everything he told me still isn't quite adding up. There are a lot of contradictions there even now. But then I have to remember that he wasn't thinking rationally plus he admitted to me that he was drinking almost every single day during the time the A was going on. So he honestly may not be able to completely remember or pinpoint everything. The timeline in his head probably has gaps and missing pieces because of the heavy drinking. I think the PA started that first weekend in February. My heart and my head tell me that. Why would he have went out-of-state with her and then lied to everyone including his boss/best friend and said he was working out of town all weekend? Why would he have bought her chocolate, a card and stuffed animal for her and took it to her house Valentine's Day weekend if they weren't already sleeping together? That's what's still not adding up to me. I don't think he's being 100% honest about the PA and when it happened.
Don't take it wrong from what I've written here -- my H knows what he did was wrong and that he was 100% responsible. But he told me of a different side of her that I figured was there, but she didn't want me to see. When I asked him about a receipt I found for a candle, card and chocolates he purchased in January of last year, he said he bought that for her. However, he added (and he was so serious about this that I really believe him) that he did it because she asked him to. She was going on about how no one loved her, her dad didn't love her, etc. So he bought it to make her feel better.
What I think was the positive from all of this is that he finally has realized that she was playing him too throughout all of this and that she's not a good person. She was in this for her own selfish reasons. She wanted me to look like the bad guy and herself like the angel and supportive "friend" and did everything she could to make that happen. He said he realizes now that he was so hurt, he didn't see that she was manipulating the situation and things he told her to paint me in a bad light and her in a good one. What he told me about some of the things she did also proved three things I had already suspected -- that she wasn't an "innocent victim" in all of this, that she wasn't supportive of him staying with me(as she told me) and that she has a lot of insecurities and self-esteem issues. He also mentioned that all of her friends are guys. I told him that this should have been a huge red flag to him. In my experience, girls who have only guy friends and no girl friends means that there is a reason other women won't be friends with her -- because they see the true person (not what she wants others to see) and don't like that person. Basically, it's because the girl is either a b***h or a boyfriend/husband stealer. Guys tend not to see those things or are just blind to them.
I'm really glad we could have such a good discussion about all of this. He opened up to me a lot. He's not trying to paint himself as an innocent victim either but he also showed me the side of her that she didn't want me to see or know about when I talked to her and met her. I actually feel sorry for her. She seems lonely, needy and pathetic. I wouldn't trade places with her in a million years.
I am also secure in the fact that my H wasn't going to leave me for her. He said it to her out of anger towards me, but when push came to shove and I made him leave twice, he didn't want to. I had to almost physically throw him out.
I saw a very emotional and vulnerable side of my H this weekend that he hasn't let me see in along time. I also realized just how much hurt he was experiencing during the A. I had this image in my mind of a cold-hearted, selfish, cruel H that he had become during that time . It was like he was heartless. I see now that wasn't truly the case. He was actually feeling guilt and shame and was hurting a lot too just like I was. I also realize just how much he truly loves me because of the things he told me and shared with me. (My mom even told me that him having the A wasn't like him because she knew how much he loved me. Her thought was that he was so hurt, he was looking elsewhere for comfort and was basically self-destructing.) My H also said he WAS self-destructive during that time and had no self-respect. He said he hated the person he had become and felt tremendous guilt for everything he was putting all of us through (including his own mom and sister).
My H also said one more thing which I had already figured out -- a lot of what he did during the A was to get back at me (not a nice thing, I know). It was a situation where he saw me as trying to be his mom by demanding that he have NC with the OW. So he became the rebellious teenager and started doing just the opposite of everything I asked. I truly don't think he realized how deep he'd gotten himself into this mess or how much he was hurting me until he was in over his head. I also think he was telling himself that his "friendship" with her was OK because they hadn't been physical at that point, and that I was just being jealous and irrational. Now he realizes that I was right, and he was majorly wrong. By doing what he did, he told the OW that she was more important to him than I was (which gave her leverage over him), and he was helping set up the whole situation by continuing to lie and sneak around with their "friendship" even if nothing physical was going on. By being so rebellious and so damned hard-headed, he pushed himself away from me and right to her. (And he could never understand why I was so angry with him when all of this was going on! Hello! I could see where this was going!)
I'm not trying to justify anything my H did during the A, but it helped me to understand what he was feeling, thinking and experiencing during that time. It also confirmed that the A wasn't a full-blown "I'm in love with you (the OW) and leaving my wife" situation so I'm comforted by that fact.
Sorry for the long post, but I needed to share this breakthrough that I had with my H. It shows that if you are patient, the WS can and possibly will open up again and answer more of your questions. I confirmed what my heart felt -- that he had the A out of anger and hurt but that it wasn't serious. He also no longer has any good feelings toward the OW because he's realized that she was never his friend. If she was, she wouldn't have done the things she did either.
Thanks for letting me get all of this out!