H is having mood swings!??!??!?!?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
H is having mood swings!??!??!?!?!?!
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 8:54pm

Last Sunday my h was in a very bad mood. He was cold and distant. I have asked time and time again what is going on???

Then Monday he was great happy and up beat. That is until I made a pass at him and he turned me down saying he was too tired.

Tuesday he was OK not in a great mood but not a bad one either. Again I tried to make a small pass but he was too tired!!

Then Wednesday morning he wakes up and goes to the bathroom, when he comes back he say's how about a quick one before work.. Sorry for too much information I am just really confused and need some help... Anyway it was like I was not there at all. I mean no foreplay no kissing just wham bam..

Thursday he was again OK but distant. Not talking much just off in his own world type thing.. I went to snuggle and he would not move his arm to put around me until we went to go to sleep. Then he was all hands but again no kissing no connection.. I just told him I was too tired and went to sleep.

Then today he was in a great mood.. All over me and kissing me calling me every half hour telling me he loves me and so on. Came to my work and brought me coffee...

All I can get out of him is he has been feeling Blahhhh. I know he suffers from depression. The days have been dark and he hates grey days.. But since we have been rebuilding he has managed to help reassure me. Only this time he just really shut down??? I am left questioning what is going on?? Triggers and red flags are going off all over the place!! I don't know if I am over reacting? But all I want to do is withdraw. I feel like all the progress we have made in just one week has been taken away!! I feel stupid now for ordering our new rings and unsure if I am strong enough to deal with these moods?? I am again on the fence and feeling so insecure!! He won't talk and I feel rejected. He won't make love to me and I feel rejected.. Then I get angry because I feel he has no right to put me through these feelings. No matter what the reason is I should not have to feel this way EVER AGAIN!!! So what do I do? How do I get him to see what he is doing is killing me and driving me away? Thanks for listening? Any advise would be wonderful?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Sat, 01-28-2006 - 11:33am
I can understand triggers going off. Is he on medication for his depression? It sounds like he's in it and needs help.
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 01-28-2006 - 12:32pm


In fact as I was reading your post I wondered if you knew if he suffered from depression, then you're last paragaph states you do. Last night I had an amazing moment & wondered if it was something I could post & ironically it deals with exactly what your post regards. Last night I made love to my H. I did NOT make love to a man who is severely depressed & is selfish in the 'wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.' I did NOT make love to the drunk who takes hours to get to the point of release. I did NOT make love to the manic who never gets to the point of release & can go on all day & night. Nope, I made love to my H who touches, kisses and caresses. I could tell the difference with the very first kiss.

I don't know how long you're into the rebuilding. I'm 7w into it and just starting to feel him reach out to me. But what you've described sounds much like what I've been experiencing. Last week I decided I would give myself 1 year from when he starts his meds, it helps to have an exit date. (He couldn't get an apt with a psych before 2/28 so he is not on all the meds he needs yet.)

How deeply does he suffer from depression? Does it become debilitating? Does he miss work? Does he self-destruct (seeing he's had an A, I'm guessing he does). Does he get suicidal?

Does any of the following sounds like the road map to you & your relationship with H?


Why has someone you love become remote, as though the connection between you has been uncoupled? Why is he so distant and dissatisfied, so lethargic but demanding?

You think that your husband has become selfish and unaffectionate because he no longer cares for you.

Feeling everything has gone wrong and there's nothing you can do about it because you are inept and worthless. Demoralization is underlaid with feelings of resentment toward the person with the illness who, despite your best efforts to help, acts as though everything is your fault.

The relationship is in disarray and your life is full of dissension and negativity. By now you have placed the blame squarely on the depressive, not on his illness.

Your desire to escape the source of your unhappiness - by distancing yourself either psychologically or physically from your depressive or manic depressive - will become a negative constant.


Someone here introduced me to depression fallout & I quickly checked out one of the author's books (one that dealt more with bipolar) and it was door that opened me to a whole new understanding of who my H is.

I am currently taking a class, 'Family to Family,' with the National Association for Mental Illness (www.NAMI.org). Understanding the illness is allowing me to seperate him from 'it.' This course is to help you figure out ways to help a depressive, but more how to survive living with a depressive. How to find a good psych, how to get involved, how to set boundaries for yourself, how not to internalize the depressive's actions, etc.

Are you overreacting? Doesn't sound like it to me. Your post is all too familiar to me. Have you talked to him about his depression? Is he on meds? If not how does he feel about meds? Would he be willing to take meds? If not, then I highly suggest you read one of the Depression Fallout books and/or contact a local NAMI chapter to see how you can persuade him into seeking help.

When a depressive is at a low point is the best time to get him to seek help. As when he starts to feel better, even slightly, he may believe things are going to be alright and can move on his own. Although, it is hard to convince someone he is actually suffering chemical depression & not just circumstancial depression.

Good Luck.
Take care of yourself.
Realize, he has a lot to process himself and it will take a while.

As for your rings - I personally would not order those rings. Give the responsibility to your H & let him do it when the time is right. My ring broke while I was packing H's stuff into boxes. When he got back he was the one who took it in to get fixed. It made me feel better that he took the initiative as I was not getting anything from him emotionally - so actions were all I had to go by.


"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng