H still denies there was sex!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
H still denies there was sex!!
4
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 10:07am
Ok, so my H have been rebuilding since January and to this day he still tries to tell me that there was no sex between him and the OW. Despite the fact that i have recorded conversations when he is confessing to a friend about sex with her, despite the OW trying to get money from him for an abortion, despite him spending nights at her Slum Apartments with her, and many other things that prove that there was sex. I tell him if there was no sex there would not have been such an attachment. He was seeing her daily, telling her he loved her, saying that she made him feel like a man. If there was no sex there would not be any of that. Its very frustrating for me when he tells me that. I tell him "how can i forgive you for soemthing that you wont admit to?" I know he is ashamed about the OW, he had described her to be something completely different from what she is, so that only gives him more reason to try to lie to me about sex with her. But i need him to admit it, it only adds insult to injury when he denies. I told him i would need to catch him in bed with her for him not to denie, I caught him at her place, that says enough, that is proof enough. I give him the scenario that if he found me spending nights with a man, seeing him every chance i could, if he would believe it when i told him that i was not having sex with he. He told me "no". I just need for him to take responsibility for his actions, and him denying the sex is not doing that for me.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 10:36am

queenb

You may have to consider that you will have to provide a safe environment for him to confess. Once you tell a lie, it's really hard to undue that lie especially if you have a lot invested in it and you know it's going to go badly once you do.

I know that my father-in-law had an affair. My mother_in_law told me with some detail, I know enough that it is without a question true. My spouses OM told her while they were in bed together that he heard that my FIL had an affair. It was that well known.

As nicely as I could, I told FIL that the OM told my spouse while they were banging in the hotel room that he heard that her father had an affair. I told Dad that I didn't care if he did it. But now would be a great time to use what he learned from all that and help my spouse rebuild her life. Fatherly advice sort of stuff.

Nope, he held on to his lie with both hands. I could not betray my mother-in-law so had to let it go, even after he blamed me for my spouses affair during our conversation. Woof!

The bottom line is that I he didn't feel safe and wasn't ready to say it. Thus it wasn't going to happen.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 10:44am

thanks tom,


its just an insult for him to denie there was sex when it is a fact that there was. him lying & denying does not mitigate the damage, if anything it makes it worse. all i tell him is for him to stop denying it, that we both know he was having sex with the OW and no matter how much he tries to tell me there wasnt, there is too much circumstantial & solid evidene to prove him otherwise.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 11:10am

" denying does not mitigate the damage"

Correct, it makes it worse. Rebuilding is based on reviving trust. A trust that can not be reformed until a full confession is made if that is what the BS wants.

I had to ask my spouse over and over again if there was anything else. "NO she said, there is nothing else!" And about every two weeks there was something else followed by "NO, there is nothing else."

As last, she told the story from front to back, and yes her lies were so entrenched that she forgot what she had told me and it uncovered more lies. "I kissed him outside our car waiting for the cars to heat up." next time. "I kissed him in the car." Next time. "We made out in a car for like 20 min." Next time. "We made out in your car and he fondled my breasts." Ugh!

"Tom, you know it all now, there is nothing else."

woof!

I'm sorry queenb. many of us have been there. It's going to be hard. Work your 180 list and take care of you ok. You didn't deserve this. But he needs to know that the kindest thing he can ever do here is just tell the story from start to finish, leave out nothing, let you mourn it, and never do this to you again.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 11:18am
thank you for putting it to me in that perspective tom, i will have to tell him that i need the ENTIRE story in order to move on, otherwise the questions will just sit in my head forever. and you are right, the lies come out later, i have caught him in many since than.