Hang On to That Grudge -- It Might Help Your Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Hang On to That Grudge -- It Might Help Your Marriage
9
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 10:46am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009

amen, been there

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
sissyjacks wrote:

i do not mean to make light of it, i guess i have to laugh it beats crying.

LOL I agree!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Sure, that's probably a universal fear.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008

You know, I never really thought about it like that but, I think you're right.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
The "forgiveness card" lulls the cheater into believing that once the betrayed spouse returns to the marriage bed all's well with the world, and will, when opportunity knocks again, duplicate the bad behavior. My STBH lives by the motto: "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission". Hold fast to that grudge and skip the forgiveness. Only redeeming acts and true penitence can save a troubled marriage. I had neither, and now I don't have a viable marriage.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

This is a tricky issue. My spouse had an affair around 2004 with one of my friends. Once he kissed her, it really scared her and she brought in shortly after. I really wanted to save our marriage and I suppose I really let her off easy. In 2008 when she went off the deep end it was really hard to forgive her. She wanted me to just "let it go." I really struggled with the idea that If I let it go or hid my pain, it would happen again. The difference this time is that she watched me cry for hours at a time, I lost 30 lbs, I stopped sleeping, and this went on for months and months.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010

This IS very tricky. In my mind, lettting the grudge go is something that will signal true healing and trust and freedom from this torment. But it also means letting my guard down...being vulnerable and I do fear that if I am less vigilant about being "on guard" and the occasion comes up for him to have contact with her, he may forget what the cost will be. We still have far to go in the trust and "him getting it" department and although I look forward to a day when I can let go, I am not sure it will ever really happen.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

Yeah, I'm at the 2 1/2 year mark and I still have trust issues. Yet, I have less trust issues now than I did a year ago. I don't check the phone records anymore but I do occasionally check her cell. I don't really want a relationship where I have to be on guard. The occasional checks are more impulsive panic moments and when I find nothing, the anxiety slips away. The cool thing for me is that I just started telling my spouse that I'm having an anxiety attack and she would hand over what ever I wanted and a few times she even called numbers on her phone that I didn't recognize in front of me. She did this with no comment or anger. That went a long way for me.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010

I have been stuggling with the knowllege that he is probably never going to get it...if someone would have come to me a year and a half ago and described what a BS goes through, I would have thought they were crazy...so how could they possibly know what this is like.

I think your wife's aha momment was invaluble...I have heard about WS and their aha momments and would magically produce one if I could as I think it would change his perspective entirely...I have a great IC and that has saved me, but I know that we are at aplace where HE is going to have to see his own IC to even begin to get it and we need to see a MC to communicate better.

Don't get me wrong...he is remorseful and knows what he did and wishes he could take it back and he loves me and he hurts greatly, but dealing with it for him is to just put it in the past and forget it...I too have made great strides in becoming normal over the past 15 months, but as i resolve some issues, others surface...more answers lead to more questions and I/we still have a long way to go. I don't know if I can survive if I don't deal with the stuff that we haven't reolved and I don't know if he can survive if we do. Then I don't know if I can handle the whole truth, but need to know things.

Thank you for answering Thomas...I have read your posts and you give me hope that I will be okay... I read a lot that two years is a major turning point and I hope that is true, but I also know that 3 ..4...5 or more years later, some are still hurting as much as the day they found out...I don