this has been so hard...again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
this has been so hard...again
10
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 12:43pm

My husband started out with " a friend" sending msgs. on myspace, texting. He met her through our daughter. "HER" daughter and ours are friends. They would decide to take the kids to the movies late at night when i couldn't go because of our younger children. I found an e-mail he wrote to her expressing his feelings toward her. I told him i was uncomfortable with their friendship and wanted him to stop talking to her. He said he would, but just changed his password to myspace and the cell phone acct. so i couldnt see what he was doing. I found the passwords to both.... and he was still talking to her! So i asked him to leave because this is the 2nd time he has done this. He said he was sorry and wanted to come home, i told him i needed time. On our anniversary he was supposed to come home, well "HER" daughter stayed the night with our daughter so he found an excuse not to stay and stayed at "HER" place. Of course he said nothing happened. I forgave him and he moved back home. But he completley locked up the cell phone acct. and wont open it. He says i need to trust him and if i need to check on him we don't need to be together. I don't quite feel the same but don't know what to do. I love him, but i do not want to be with someone who is going to continue to do this to me. We have been together 22 years and its so hard to just quit. DO these paranoid feelings stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 1:01pm
you are not paranoid!
he is hiding things from you and does not care about your feelings
sorry if he is this way he has no empathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 2:26pm
Thanks so much. I was beginning to think i was going crazy! I think if he was truly done with her he would't have a problem showing me the bills and unlocking the cell phone acct.. He says he will answer my questions but when i ask him something he says i am bringing up the past and i need to let it go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 3:29pm

Here is the list of the "180" items that is frequently mentioned in this and other forums. It is NOT a guideline to getting your spouse back or waking him/her up from Affair Fantasyland. Rather, it's a way to gain your own control and stop make the BS and his/her A the center of your life. Not every point will pertain to every situation. Lily
Fence Sitters PDF Print E-mail
fence sitting

Fence sitting, cake eating, call it what you will, it can often cause the betrayed spouse more pain than the revelation of the affair itself.

So, what can you do to knock him off that damn fence? Another option is "doing a 180". This approach was put together by Michelle Weiner-Davis in her Divorce Busting books. Essentially it is a combination of both Plan A and Plan B.

Weiner-Davis puts together a list of do's and donts for those dealing with a fog filled spouse which include;

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

The logic of this approach lies in the all too often fact that the wayward spouse feels the betrayed spouse are a "given" in their lives and that they (the wayward spouse) are the arbiter of whether the marriage survives (after all, it is all about them). By pulling back, by getting on with your own life and disengaging from the wayward spouse, you tempt them to follow you and away from the Other Person. Kind of like twitching a piece of string in front of a kitten and getting them to follow it across the room. The benefit for the betrayed spouse, even if the marriage does not survive is that both Plan B and the 180 help rebuild self esteem and self reliance which will stand you in good stead regardless.

References:

Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis

His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and Jennifer Chalmers

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 4:15pm
if he had nothing to hide he would show you the cell phone bills and share passwords... he is hiding something....trust your gut!
if he is really sorry he will end all contact with OW. You are his wife, and if something makes you uncomfortable he needs to stop doing it... i am sorry you are going through this... and the truth is that if he has done this before he will just get better at hiding... My stbx got a secret yahoo account after his First A - i only found it by mistake!... take care of yourself, and practice the 180 - apparently lots of people have had great success with it!!
GOod luck. xo Nicole
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 11:23am
I am so greatful I found this websight. It is a great place to vent and not have to argue with him! Last night i found a long dark hair on him which is not mine or his... I didnt have to say anything as soon as he saw it he instantly offered up an explination and alot of sarcasm to go with it. I don't understand how he honestly can put all this on me. First the A was my fault now finding a way to get past it is up to me too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 2:09pm

Amazing.... in the past couple of days I have tried a few of the "180" tips.... wow he is texting me asking me if I forgot to say " I Love You"? He asked me why I am not drilling him and what is

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 2:21pm
Hi
Glad you have him wondering
keep it up
at some point he is going to have to own up to the hurt he has caused show real remorse regret and compassion for you in a lasting way
let you talk about and bring up things whenever you need to
let you have access to all of his email phone etc.
I guess you need to keep the 180 up gain your strength and send him the message that you are going to take care of yourself first and will be ok with or without him
until he realizes that you are not a given in his life he will keep taking you for granted
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 3:05pm
A person who has nothing to hide DOES NOT, I REPEAT, DOES NOT lock up their cell phone account from their spouse. I guarantee you he IS HIDING something from you. His attitude about if you don't trust him you don't belong together is very telling. His defensiveness is saying "if you don't like it I can leave"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2007
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 3:45pm

I am glad you are doing things for yourself. Keep it up NO MATTER WHAT.


I have a different view. I wonder if he is trying to settle the dust. Maybe trying to find out what you

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 11:39am

I am a very faithful person. I have been with my husband since i was 14. He had enough he said to me Friday night. He went on to tell me he loves me and his guilt is tearing him up inside... that he had sex with "HER" but it was back in the beginning of October. He had stopped talking to her all together but when she called him and text him he thought he could continue as friends. She told him she loved him and couldnt be without him.