This has to change

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
This has to change
14
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 10:25am

W has been home since Wednesday, it's mostly been good but I'm very concerned.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 11:10am

Thinkingman,


I hear you 100%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 11:39am

Thinkingman,


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 4:23pm
It's not too much information at all, it was a crucial part of your post.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 4:46pm

Tm,


She shows no "regret?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 6:06pm
Well, it's complicated because when I talk about being hurt she takes a conciliatory tone and says "I know", but we spend way more time talking about her hurt feelings.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 9:28am

Man,


Hi.


Based on my reading here, it is clear that most BSs seem to crave that pronouncement of profound regret and description of remorse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 12:02pm

I pushed the issue after I got home last night, though as gently as possible.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 2:08pm
Many times i feel like just hearing that from him would help me move on so much faster. He has apologized, but when brought up he still gets defensive & tells me not to act like i never hurt him also. I ask him if he is trying to tell me that he thinks i deserved it, he tells me that no, i did not deserve that from him, but what do i want him to do? When i ask him how in the world did he end up with somebody like the OW, with so much baggage & just a total loser, instead of apologizing or telling me that he is sorry, that he regrets it, that it should have never happened, he tells me that I dont know what happened so i dont understand. When i ask for him to explain, he doesnt. Its frustrating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 3:20pm

Thinkingdude,


<>


Pushed what issue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 3:58pm

A couple of things hit me with your initial post and subsequent posts.

First, you are asking her to take on a new role. Correct me if I am wrong, but you have indicated that you usually take on the role of emotional rock when the crap hits the fan and you have taken on that role now. You have been immensely patient and kind to her and she expects you to continue to be so without having to do the same for you. Changing roles is difficult to do in the best of times and takes time.

Second, she has not faced your pain and she doesn't want to. It is one of the most difficult things a WS does and it often immobilizes them with despair. They wouldn't stay after being treated like they treated the BS, how can they possibly expect the BS to stay? What kind of a person does that to someone she loves? She does not want to face this full on and will constantly threaten to pull back if you force it ("I came back too soon"). It has worked in the past, no? She pulls the "I'm too fragile" card and you sooth and back off and she doesn't actually have to do any work while you do it all. I vaguely remember you describing your R in terms of you holding her by the hand and gently leading her through rough waters smoothing the way for her. She is expecting the same now. She wants, no, she expects you to face it for her and to take the brunt of it for her like you always do. You are responsible for accepting this role and not demanding change.

It took DH several years to be able to look back at his first M with some distance to realized he was just as responsible for its state and eventual demise as his xW. Sure, she left him, but the things they did to each other, jeez. One of the ways he set himself up was to accept full responsibility for her emotional well-being. He smoothed her way and when he couldn't or failed, she would have an emotional break which he would nurse her through rather than having her committed (this was before he went to grad school to become a psychologist) so she would actually get the help she needed. He deeply resented this, yet he kept playing. Funny how she hasn't had one emotional break since she left him. Her current H wouldn't hesitate to get her committed. She is diagnosable with BPD and every so often she would need him to prove how much he loved her. The bar kept getting higher and higher and he kept jumping over it like a trained dog. The last time, she left him in a horrible way and went to live with another man. She expected him to wait around for her to return to after she had her fun. Finally, he stopped jumping. It took her years to realize he had stepped out of the dysfunction. Our M doesn't work like that because despite his tendencies to be the caretaker, and the responsible adult, I insist on being an equal partner in our M and for being totally responsible for my own emotional well-being. It took him some time to adjust, but he has.

You need the way your M works to change. You need her to put on her big girl panties and face it on her own. You need her to deal with this full on and to take responsibility for helping YOU heal, to take you by the hand and help you over the rough spots like an adult, like an equal. Is she capable of doing this? I am thinking she can as she seems open to it, but she will need the help of a therapist, as do you. The dynamic in your M is changing, which will be hard for you, too.

People need motivation to change. What sort of motivation does she have?

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