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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
help
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Thu, 03-26-2009 - 12:31pm

Is the 180 helpful if the ow is long out of the picture and the h is working hard in therapy?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: fr1end
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 12:53pm

Yes, I think it can be helpful if only for your own sanity. You get to the point that you know you will be OK with or without him and that is incredibly powerful. Instead of reacting, you begin acting in your own best interests.

It can be overwhelming to contemplate doing at first, so, do look it over and start with just one or two things that you know you will be successful at. If you mess up a couple of times, so what, start over again. As you become successful and see results, you will naturally add other things to what you are doing.

From what I have seen, WSs get pretty antsy when the BS starts the 180. Part of the fog is that they have some control over the BS and will always be able to convince the BS to stay. They have this delusion that if anyone leaves it will be them and the BS will be sitting around waiting for them to return hoping for a few pearls to be thrown her way. The 180 shows them differently. Your H will do a lot of stupid things to get you to abandon the 180, but stick to your guns. It really isn't about him, but about you getting strong and independent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
In reply to: fr1end
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 1:16pm
I agree with Pamme, the 180 is always helpful early on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 2:32pm

Thanks, that helps, especially the part about starting with just a few things.


I keep saying I don't think I can continue with him, but don't do anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 2:43pm

I think I know what you mean. I do live in fear about what he is thinking and feeling, what he is hiding and holding back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 4:16pm

Before the 180 W took the attitude that things were the way she wanted them to be and if I didn't like it too bad.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 5:03pm

I don't think I can hide how badly I feel right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 9:11pm
I am finally going to tell my H tonight that i don't care anymore about his childhood issues and don't want to hear about it anymore(he can work that out w/his therapist.) His issues are interfering in our marriage and I want to know if he can put them aside and commit to me and if he shares the same values. It's as simple as that. I suggest you do the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 3:06pm
Well put!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 4:37pm

I agree.


I'm not happy that I allowed myself to get in such a bad place the last few days. i am very embarrassed by it. Thanks for all the help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 5:43pm
I so agree! I've told my H I give him 6 mo. and that's it. Even then I may not want to be w/him. My therapist is so proud of my strength and I'm not backing down. I'd rather be alone! He is so worried that he is damaged (even though both therapists say he can change. He has a history of changing his behavior for the better in his professional life, which my therapist was very encouraged to hear.I'm happy and stable again, planning my OWN life.

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