Hi back again (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Hi back again (long)
33
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 10:35am

It has been a few months since I last posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 2:26pm

You can't be taken advantage of if you won't allow it to happen - and your H will walk all over you as long as you lay on the floor and let him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 6:52pm

kathy,

Your story is heartbreaking and you must face the fact that your H will never change. You need to build up your self worth in therapy and work w/your attorney to start the divorce process. You say that you are afraid to be alone, but as many of my friends said to me when I was w/my H who had 2 affairs that I know about, you are already alone. It is no doubt frightening to leave after so many years (26 for me) but the sense of empowerment and self worth you will begin to develop once you do leave is FANTASTIC! All of your anxiety will disappear. You will realize how emotionally abused you have been. As you begin to take small steps each day toward rebuilding your life, you will realize that you are capable and independent! Try and find some work to keep yourself focused and centered( volunteer work will make you feel great by helping others). Make some friends by joining some kind of groups in your area that have activities you enjoy like hiking or cultural activities, or take a class at a local school. You sound like an intelligent woman. You can do this!! Don't worry about dating yet- as I have discovered there are so many single people out there(I'm 52) in my age range that I could have a date every weekend if I wanted! The dating will come later as you feel like yourself and rediscover yourself. Just concentrate on each day taking a small step to make your life better. Don't waste anymore time arguing, bargaining or trying to elicit promises of fidelity from your H. It's a waste of energy b/c he will never be faithful. Please don't be afraid... now I say to myself, why did i wait so long to leave? BTW, your attorney is correct.. stay in your house! Get your H to leave!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 11:16pm

HI, I have to say I agree 100% with Lizzie. Once you are free from the "wondering" and waiting you will feel a HUGE weight lifting from your shoulders.


You deserve so much more. Stay in therapy because it seems you have been emotionally abused by H far far too long.


In my opinion it is time for you to move forward and begin to find peace in your life. Have you seen the "180" post here? It will help you get some of your power and positive thinking back.


Best to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 1:34pm

Hi kathy2606,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 2:12pm

Thank you so much for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 4:28pm
RUN, do not walk, to an attorney!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 4:44pm

Thanks so much for your kind words of support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 4:56pm

Thanks so much for your answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 9:16pm

Kathy,

Please get an attorney as fast as you can and do not trust him about anything!! He will try and get out of giving you what you are due. You gave up a career and financial security to take care of him. You placed your financial and emotional trust in his hands and look what he has done to you! Are you not furious? !!! Do not continue to cater to him by doing all the chores, and absolutely talk with an attorney about getting him out of the house- you may not be aware of all the laws. I can't even look at my stbx in the eye anymore, he so disgusts me- I can't imagine being in the same house, no matter how large!

You would also be wise to start moving money quietly , in small amounts so he doesn't become suspicious, to your own account. This is what I have been doing for the past several months. Definitely look for a job, as it will make you feel more powerful and better about yourself.

Remember, if you do not take proactive steps to protect yourself, he will take advantage of your kind nature. You don't have to be confrontational- do everything in a quiet manner.

And don't forget to get yourself tested for STD's!!

my thoughts are with you....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 9:50pm
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But selfishly so, I am so afraid I may be ending up like you. I want to believe that he did this once and won't do it again, but 9 months of lies when we were still living together, he lied to my face, then lived with her for 3 months after I threw him out, I wonder if it's true once a cheater always a cheater, and I wonder if he thinks since he got away with it for so long before I found out the 1st time, would he try it again sometime.......
My heart cries out for you......... I'm glad you're getting help.

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