Hi, Hon, I'm back ... (WTF?!)

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Registered: 10-13-2005
Hi, Hon, I'm back ... (WTF?!)
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 5:40pm

Since full disclosure I feel that my H feels like "okay honey, I'm back now, let's move on." WTG is wrong with these men?! Like he should be welcomed back with open arms, as IF I should be somehow grateful that he CHOSE me over OW?! As IF he is the one with options at this time.

It has been 4 months since DDay #1 and we went all that time with H denying everything giving me (& our MC) the "just friends" line. For 4 months he saw me in agony and going out of my mind and he continued to call OW, from a payphone, to "see if you called her". And now that he's told me the extent of their affair everything's suppose to be "normal" now. I don't know how BS's handle this period of time. There's so much anger, resentment, bitterness, and hurt. How can one possibly even consider *rebuilding*? I'm at a point where I feel that *rebuilding* is nothing but a placebo, for the BS, to keep the WS out of the hotseat, so to speak. And, no thank you, not interested. That's what it has been for four fuc*ing months, to appease me, to keep me at bay. I listen to H's conversations with OW and she says "what's wrong with her" (speaking of me) and asking my H "are you still in MC and isn't that helping HER" to which H says "I guess not".

Now H is interested in *rebuilding*. Is that the real *rebuilding* as it was the last four months, or is this time genuine. I am interested in ANY rebuilding, other than the rebuilding of myself. Here I was trying to work on our marriage singlehandedly and I'm plain outright tired. Just so dang tired of it all. I'm going out of town tomorrow, to sunny 80 degree weather, for 4-5 days, alone, which I can't wait for. Initially I was afraid that H might use this time to reconnect with OW, and now I really don't care if he does or not. As a matter of fact, I've even thought of calling her and telling her to have at it bc I'm out of town, and I just might do that. I really want to tell OW's H the true extent of their affair, as my H told her OW a watered down version of it, minimizing it to "it only happened once" when it happened more times than they can count and over a much longer period than H would like OW's H to know.

As you can see I am going from numb to anger. I think this trip is much needed and I plan on having a really good time. How have others dealt with this period of time, the time between "knowing everything" to so-called "rebuilding". I'm just not ready to expend any emotional energy into so-called *rebuilding". How long does this transitional period last? Will I ever feel like *rebuilding* or is this as good as it's gonna get? Bc if it is, then we might as well shake hands and say "nice knowing you but gotta run, my life is waiting for me".


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Registered: 11-22-2004
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 7:39pm
Reading your post reminds me of those angry feelings, I certainly remember being there and still have those angry feelings but its definately different and it does get better... Best wishes again know that your feelings are normal and it will get better. We have been rebuilding for 7mths and it wasn't until the beginnin of mo. 6 that I felt normal. I have had 2 dday's also and like you husband denied a sexual affair and found out 6mth later that it was sexual. My first dday was 14 mo. ago. I pretty much fencesat until dday 2. I fencesat because I didn't know what the hell I wanted i just wanted to torture the hell out of my husband and see if he was lying. That's all I was fixated on was waiting for the full truth to come out.
Have a good time on vacation, hugs, tea
Avatar for firstglimpse
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 11:36am

A much, much needed vacation. Do what you can to have a good time. I say don't call OW as you don't know if knowing they are together would actually prohibit you in having a good time.

For me, I was ready & gearing until I was getting dressed to go meet with a lawyer. I started to feel something, but I was not sure what. As I sat in the waiting room, a half hour if you can believe it, this very strong feeling came over me saying, this is wrong, do not do this now. I ended up asking for my money back & left before ever actually meeting with the lawyer.

It was time to HALT.

Do not do anything while you are....

When I had a mc in 2003 the docs were so adament on me taking a 3 month break. Divorce here in OR there is a mandatory minimum 3 month wait. I've read, do not make an life-altering decisions for three months. (Too bad your vacation cannot be a full 3 months!)

I don't know how long you've been married, together or if children are involved. I think all of that influences your decision. But here are the reasons I decided to stick...

I need to know I gave everything I have to my marriage before I move on. I do not want doubts to arise later. If we didn't have children together I think it would be much easier to move on, but children tie you together for the rest of your lives. There are big events, weddings, becoming grandparents at the same time, etc. I cannot leave him completely behind so I do not want there to be moments of self-doubt in my decision. From what I understand it can take a full year of BOTH participants to give their marriage a chance to know if it is something they can overcome or not. In fact I've been learning it takes a full year to really start to heal from any crisis.

I was 3 when my father started his A, the same age as my ds. I remember so much of it, even if I didn't understand what was going on at the time. The result in their situation - divorce. Father who had been fairly successful before the A now works as a stock-boy for Walmart & a clerk at a convenient store. He never recovered from his decisions (he married the OW - and she too is not happy with their decision). As for my mother, 32 years later she is still filled with pain. She hates having her children communicate with their father b/c it continues to hurt her so much.

It is my belief if my marriage sticks then I'll actually heal better. I think about lives apart and think of the run-ins due to children. If we divorce immediately after the A then I fear I will always hate, resent him. My children will feel this too. But if I am able to take (in my case) 3 mos out of possibly 60 years it's a tear drop in an ocean. Yes, I will be permanately scarred, but the idea of not hating & resenting someone the rest of my life sounds easier to me. I would like to work past this.

Rebuilding takes work from both partners. I feel running at an instant is running away from problems. Even if this marriage does not work learning how to rebuild will teach me ways to communicate better, how to listen better, how to be a better partner. The end result if there was a D, I'd find a better mate. D too soon may leave me vunerable to try to mend my broken heart by getting into another relationship too soon. Without working things out in myself I believe t would most likely be a repeat type of relationship. It think that is why 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate than primary marriages.

I KNOW what it is like to be raised by a single betrayed parent. I do not want that for my children. If D is what is necessary I realize that, but I need to know, not just for me - but from them too, I've exhausted all avenues first.

I've read & heard over the years that people who stay married versus those that end in divorce die happier. That those who stayed married actually did not experience anything different from divorced partners, they just stuck & worked it out.

It is a general belief by society these days if you've been betrayed you deserve better and with divorce as easy as it is now people don't understand why you stick around. But I've heard (even my therapist who is also a MC told me this) A's leading to divorce is a myth. If/when the marriage disolves after an A it is usually due to something else in the marriage & not the A itself. When I made the appointment with the lawyer it was out of anger, pain & the belief that is what I 'should' do b/c that is what society expects. But with time to settle it was not what my heart wanted to do.

Again, I feel divorcing too quickly after an A is running away. I do not feel this is the example I want to be for my children. I want them to see me & their father (even though they are too young now - but at least I'll have stories to tell - w/o disclosing the A) to face up to difficult situations and try to work them through and not running from them.

What if divorce was not possible? What if once you were married you were unable to seperate or D? What would you do? Let this crisis destroy your life or find ways to be happy in your circumstance? Most people want to be happy & find ways to do so. Therefore I believe it is possible to find happiness even if I stay with my current partner.

When I also made the appointment with the lawyer it was because I wanted all of this pain to stop, leaving the source of pain seems like the reasonable move. But D is still painful, no matter how you cut it. So I believe it would be just moving from one type of pain to another.

There is more & if you want more I'll share.

I'm not trying to say if you are tired & want out immediately you're making a wrong decision. The above is what *I* believe & why *I* choose to stay.

BTW: While there is even minimal contact with WS & OW rebuilding on marriage is pretty much mute. So these past 3 mos are wiped out compeletely. Perhaps, if you have any incling to rebuild, you need time to watch his actions and see if you can trust all contact has ended. Maybe even, if you want, put MC to the side until you feel more confident that the A is truley over.

DS: 3yrs
DD: 12mos

EA: Sep 12-Dec 8, 2005
PA: Oct 6-29, 2005
WH home: Dec 9, 2005

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 1:04pm


Thank you so much for sharing and I would love to hear more from you. It is all very helpful.

I had always said that if I ever found out that my husband was cheating on me, I would throw him out and immediately file for divorce. Now that it has actually happened, I realize it is not that easy. Sometimes, I wish it was.

I know a big part of my wanting to work things out is because of our son (he is 4 years old), but another part of me really loves my husband. It has only been a few days since I found out and it is just so hard.

Every time I think I am starting to feel a little better, I think of him kissing the OW or laying in her bed. I know where he met her and I cannot even drive past that place now. I am so afraid that I am never going to be able to let go of those images. I am afraid that I will never be able to kiss him or touch him and not think about him in the arms of another woman.

Any additional words of support or guidance are greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2006
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 7:30pm

I'm a lurker on this site due to the fact that my H's infidelity was years ago, but something about your last post has resonated with me and I'd like to share an idea that I haven't seen posted.

Don't discount the effect that the stage of life that you are in has on your point of view. I am in your age range and have been married for decades as well, and I can tell you that if my H had cheated on me now, versus 17 years ago when our kids were still home and I was a lot younger and a SAHM, things could very well have turned out differently for us. I think there IS a difference. The years do have a way of changing priorities and POV. People in their 20's and 30's aren't sitting in an empty nest after DECADES of putting a H and children first only to be confronted with the fact that their spouse, who they've been married to most of their life is not who they thought they were in addition to having to do the adjusting that middle aged people have to do under even the best of circumstances, which is coming to terms with the fact that life is probably at least half over. It is only natural for us to take stock of life at this stage, and yes, maybe thinking of ourselves for once.

When I was younger, all I wanted was to keep my family together. I still want that, but I'll tell you, if he were ever to cheat on me again, I may very well be out the door. I've already sacrificed the first half of my life like most women do to H and kids and the second half is for ME. If he wants to be there, great, if not, get out of my way.

Everything is so new for you that I'd recommend, like the others, that you take your time to figure out what you want, but do NOT feel bad for thinking about what's best for YOU for a change, even if that means eventually leaving.

Edited 1/8/2006 7:38 pm ET by oldmovielover
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 8:13pm

HUGe hugs...hang in there!


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Edited 1/9/2006 7:49 am ET by cl-debs1999
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 8:23pm


Since I've met H I have told him I am committed to marraige. If you ever want out I'll let you out, but for me I will never ask for a divorce unless you have an affair or you hit me. I have never forgiven my father for his A. I hated to see what it had done to my mother. The OW told my mother she & my father were getting a divorce on New Year's Eve. It has totally ruined the holiday for us. My mother stood by while my father had 2 children with the OW. The 1st my father was living with us again & my mom had to drag him out of the house to go be with the OW for the birth. The 2nd she didn't even attempt. The amazing thing is, my mother realizes those children are innocent victims and she accepts them. We didn't meet until we were all adults, but they really wanted to get to know us. My mother invited them over for our once a month family dinners. She would hug them & accepted them. They would even not attend their own mother's Thanksgiving dinner to come to our house instead.

Come to find out though, I didn't forgive my father for having the A, I actually do not forgive my father for leaving & being absent in my life. Yes, I did keep my word in letting my H out. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Of course I did everything I could to persuade him to stay home, but it was an impossible mission. It was I who took him to the airport to meet this OW and make the EA into a PA. At that moment I thought for sure our marriage was over & I would never try to reconcile. There was one thing different in my situation though, my H is bipolar and he was in full psychosis when he left. We've never experienced psychosis before and I was scared and confused as to what was going on. I didn't realize this was a full blown mania attack. We've been together for over 14 years and he's never had mania before (only hypomania - where they still have some control over their impulses). This personally has helped me cope with the A. But, it was not what made me decide to stick it out as when I went to the lawyers office I still had not clued in it was a bipolar episode.

I thought about it like this. Before having kids you probably looked at other parents and said, 'I'll never do that, or, I'll be like that.' You had your ideals and beliefs of what type of mother you would be. Then this tiny being came into your life & instincts took over. At first you probably tried to fullfill the parent you believed you would be, but slowly over time your beliefs have probably changed, your eyes are now wide open to what it is to be a parent and how it actually influences you, your decision and how you react to situations. Well ... until you know the pain of an A you cannot know how you'll react. You have beliefs and at first you probably stick to your beliefs, but then you have all these other influences coming in. Your love for your H, your beliefs in having a 'complete' family, the dreams you've had since you married - you are not ready for them to be wiped away.

Are you a fighter? Do you know what you want in life and willing to fight & sacrafice to get what you want?
Do you have patience?
Do you know your bounderies?
Do you know how to protect yourself from more emotional damage?

I think some people rebuild because they are scared to be alone or simply cannot give up on their dreams. I, personally, am rebuilding because I know it is what I want and I'm willing to rebuild to get it. I'm going with the phrase, 'what does not kill you will make you stronger.'

As horrible as all of this is, can you see the benefits in the A?
Can you see how it can actaully make your marriage stronger?
Do you see your own weaknesses in your marriage?
Are you willing to changes those weaknesses?
Are you stubborn & a hard worker?

These are all things I thought about. With you being so new to this I want to try to give you some advice. Take it or leave it. But since you do not know which you want right now, you need to keep both doors open. Do what you can to not close either one out of pure emotion & no rationality.

Yes, this means, prepare yourself both ways and it is hard to do.

This is what I did. I started to collect evidence against dh to give me the best custody & divorce case. Since the OW was out of state he had his address forwarded out of state. I was able to get a hold of the yellow sticker post offices put on the envelopes with the new address. This helped show abondonment. Even though it was not legal abondonment, I'm sure it would help. I kept a log of how often he called our ds & how long the conversation was. I kept a log of a lot of stuff. (Due to my H also being bipolar I was also able to collect a lot of info from doctor's and stuff too.)

Start working on your own self-esteem. This will make you more attractive to him, plus give you the strength to move on on your own. Do what ever possible to keep your spirits alive. Allow yourself down time to cry and let it all out so you are not carrying it around with you all the time. I had even read where a woman would schedule 3 times a day; morning, afternoon, evening. She would try to stick to a time constraint. For example, she could cry 10 minutes in the shower every morning.

If/when you talk to him do what you can to sound positive, upbeat, strong. 'Fake it until you make it.' Again, this makes you more attrative to him, but continues to build your strength in preventing him influence you & your attitude.

It can go either way, remember that. But once you decide which way you WANT to go, focus on it. I decided to stick it out. Once I did that the ONLY way I could get through the day was to believe he would come back to me. I decided until I knew for sure there was no point in wasting my energy in believing he would leave for good. If he ended up D me, then it would hurt just as bad no matter what - so why cry over it now? This was one procastination I believe was helpful. I was so positive in his return I guess it bubbled out. As he come over one day & told me, 'you do realize I most likely will not be coming back.' I shook my head & said I didn't & would not take about it beyond that point. It was less than 2w before he came home. Four days before he came home he came over & said he would never talk to me again & this would be the last time he would be seeing our children (he was going to give up everything).

BTW: Another driving force for me to try to work this out - as horrible and perhaps self-serving as it may be, I was not willing to share my children with this OW. The A is selfish, 100% and they are both guilty of it. I do not want my children spending time with such 2 selfish people w/o my influence in there to balance it out. So a part of me was willing to give this marriage an attempt, simply to also let the OW fade from his life & if end up in D, at least SHE is less likely to be around.

I'm still VERY FRESH in the rebuilding process. In fact, even though H has been home for a month I would say we just started to rebuild in the past week (that I believe has to do with giving him time to emotionally let the OW go a bit). I believe we'll make it. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I know there is still a chance of D, but D is at 50% now - so which marriage doesn't have a 50/50 chance?

I don't know your situation, if your H is living with you, if you're seperated, if the A is ongoing or you're findout out after-the-fact. My experience was knowing about the A from day one & separation - so this is where I could help the most.


"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:51am
I think this "vacation" is a great idea. After I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me and all that it took about 2 weeks for me to forgive him and "just be friends" then it's been about a month for me to see myself with him again. I'm not angry anymore, I'm not trusting either though. I would say when you get back from your vaca' to just see how you feel inside. Honestly I think your child is young enough that if you want to D him then you should and he/she will be fine. If your a strong enough woman so say "I can and will make it on my own, I dont need him" then do it. I know I probably should have, as so many other woman should have. But if you feel in your heart that your marriage and him deserve "another" try then do that. In any case, the right windows will open, and doors shut and what will happen will happen. My way of thinking is.... it's not a mistake now or ever, in the end no matter what it will just be a learning experience. So good luck to ya.
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Registered: 01-01-2006
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 4:07am

My H and I have been together for 18 years, but as I married kind of late, I am almost 51. I feel like I have wasted enough time and energy on this man. I am not interested in rebuilding, but getting out ina civil manner and having my teenage boys provided for, and my equitable share of teh assets we have built together.

I am hardly even angry at the OW. I see her as a means to get rid of him, and hope she doesn't dump him, as I am sure he would want to come back ( not that he has actually left yet, but we sleep seperately and talk "as friends" not as H and W. I find that I have no emeotional investment. I was really shattered when I discovered the truth, but I think that it was more the reality in you4r face kind of reaction than that I was personally really hurting. Betrayal of the commitment, but God knows I do not want to rebuild anything.

I really want to get on with my life, however that will take me. I want my kids to have a decent relationship with their father, and be able to move past all the discord that has gone on in our home.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do, career wise and trying to move into some new area. I really believe that if I can get through this and get out of it the way I want to, life will be so much better.

and yes, I am thinking of myself ( and my boys) first. He is is own problem, I ma tired of taking care of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 7:40pm

My H and I are still under the same roof and things are "better" since full disclosure, and by that I mean, the physical aspect of it altho I still have questions that I haven't asked yet and maybe won't, but knowing me I need to know the answers in order to *rebuild*. I'm just not ready to do anything yet but think of ME. I had NO IDEA this affair was going on, and I always credited myself with good intuition and THAT's what I'm so mad about. How could I NOT know what was going on. I found out purely by accident. Saw a restaurant charge and cross referenced it with his phone bill and lo and behold OW's number was EVERYWHERE going back to the day he left his company, with calls in February 05. What's a killer is that he'd been at this company for 30+ years and wasn't leaving until he felt better about our M bc we had been having rocky times. So now he makes the decision to leave and a month before he's scheduled to leave the A starts. Then on his last day of work OW performs OS on him, in her car! H said prior to that they had only kissed and he was hoping that it would end with him leaving but it didn't.

From looking at the cell phone records her calls to him increased and he'd only call her to return her calls. Then they escalate where they're both calling eachother every day, M-F. That's how I figured OW is married, bc calls were only to her job and her calls to him were only from work and during working hours. H denied everything for almost 4 months, until 12/18 when he vaguely admitted to the PA aspect of the affair. On 12/23 I left bc he still had OW thinking I was in the dark and when I told him he needs to tell OW he is now being honest with me and that he confessed to me, he refused and then said he would make that decision and judgment call. I told him he was in no condition to make ANY decisions and that his judgment was flawed and he couldn't see the forest for the trees. I left and picked up divorce papers. While I was gone he saw a paper I printed out called "Marital Tsunami". He read it and it hit him so hard he called OW and left her a VM at work telling her to call him asap. It was 2 days before Christmas and so she wasn't at work but got the message and ran to her husband with claims that my H won't leave her alone. (This is at the same time she was calling my H with claims that I was making prank calls to her and that she and her H were filing a police report and getting a restraining order). OW was doing this to keep her husband off of her track. So her H calls my H and asks my H what does he want with his wife. My H then tells OW's H that he wanted to tell OW that he confessed to me about having an affair with his wife. OW's H puts OW on the phone and she tries to minimize it but my H says "no, I told her we had intercourse" while her H is listening in. Of course, I know all this bc I had my H's phone tapped and can hear his conversations. That's how I knew OW was calling him with these phony allegations about me making prank calls, without any proof of course, which I believe she was doing just for her to stay in contact with my H. What makes me so mad to this day is that my H actually believed her bc OW would say "what is wrong with her, isn't MC helping" to which my H would say "I guess not". So all that time and money in MC was for ME to fix ME?!

I am very well aware of the difference the effect of this has on me in the stage of life I am in now and my view on things. There is a BIG difference. My H cheated on me once before, that I know of, only bc he came home with an STD. That was over 25 years ago and everything had been fine since then (at least as far as I know, which I'm not even sure now). I've always prided myself in being a good wife, I loved taking care of my H cooking for him, loving him, being sexy for him, and being a good mother to our kids, and his kids from a previous marriage as well. Not meaning to sound big headed, but husband and I are somewhat attractive individually, as well as a couple. I'm mistaken for being in my 30s or 40s and people think my grandbabies are my children. My husband likewise is handsome with a nice physique. We have built up a lot together and apparently OW did her homework (she told my H) and knew every property we own. She asked my H what type of car I drive and he told her and she commented "she's lucky". Not long after that she told my H that she was "making preparations" to divorce her H and if my H would "support" her. He asked what she meant by that and she said "be with me" to which my H said that was never his intention. OW got mad and accusatory saying he had promised, H denying he ever said anything like that apologizing if he led her to believe that, and that's when he says he put the brakes on the affair.

While I'm hearing that this is all so "new" I feel like it's taken up so much of my life already and I don't want to waste another precious day on this crap. So much time of my life has already been wasted, all the months he was with her and then all the months he continued to deny everything while he still made calls to her from a payphone while we were in MC, for what, for MY sanity? My therapist also says not to rush and to take my time. I read everywhere that time is on my side now. I see it but then I don't and maybe it's bc of the stage of life I am in and not wanting to waste another precious minute on this garbage. Sometimes I feel that as I go to IC, which I'm doing now, and as I get stronger, I will eventually leave the marriage. Is that why I'm not getting stronger, bc in my subconscious I know that when I do I will be outta here so fast it'd make your head spin? If I were to stay I would be doing it bc despite everything I still love and care about him, but is love enough reason in itself? As Firstglimpse says, her father went from being a successful man to a clerk in Wal Mart. I see something similar happening to my H (and I think he does too). Whereas I KNOW I will make it. I am financially independent make six figures now and will go up from there while H has put himself in a very vulnerable position both emotionally and financially. When he retired we were going to work as a "team". He got his contractor's license and he was going to remodel homes, something he loves to do. I was helping him get his business off the ground and all we talked about (or shall I say I) was our dreams and plans for the future. I feel so used bc while I'm brainstorming and hustling he's out fuc*ing around. Then he has the audacity to tell me that he was "infatuated" with OW. I told him so he thought he was in love and he said no, but that's what infatuation is, when one thinks they're in love. Now he says he doesn't know what it was.

I think this time away is good for both of us. I think he's still confused as to what's going on with himself. I believe he's afraid that if we separate he'll lose me for good. I, on the other hand, feel what more is there to lose? Ending things now will just be the formal finality of it all as I feel that he already gave his emotions away and I just don't feel we're connected anymore. I feel that by prolonging the inevitable it will be more harmful to MY emotions bc it's hindering me from starting fresh and anew. I know it sounds like I want to take the easy way out, and maybe I do. I just think that I'd be doing us BOTH a favor by ending the marriage now instead of later. Does it pay to wait? And how much longer?

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Registered: 07-22-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 7:28am
Bonnie, What great advice!!! I agree 100% you need to take that step back and give yourself time to figure out where you stand. I also did not want to leave my marriage with out being able to say I gave it all I had to give. It has been hard. There are good day and bad days but now a year into rebuilding I have to say the good is realy more the focus. But there were a number of times I was ready to walk away because I was tired of the pain and the triggers. Looking back on it now I am so glad my h held me steady and found ways to help me during those dark times. I have still not gotten to a point where I can say I forgive him. But I can now say I don't hate him and that is something that I ws so afraid would end up happening. He had always been my best friend and I never want to hate him even if things did not work out for us. I want to be able to be a part of his life in a good way. Not as his x or mother of his children (if that makes sense?)
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