Horrible Dream/Asked for Separation
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|Tue, 05-04-2010 - 9:59am|
I had a horrible dream last Thursday. I was on a small island and couldn't get off. I felt something on my ear and tried to pull it off. My ear was bleeding and crusty and at first I thought it was cancer. Then a big fat bloated tick fell off my ear onto the ground. I picked up a shoe to crush it, but was scared to crush it. Scared the blood would go everywhere. So I thought about what to do and while I was thinking, the tick got small again and I couldn't find it. I suddenly felt overwhelmed that the tick was going to climb back on me. I KNEW this was going to happen. The dream was simple, island is my marriage and H is the tick, he does big horrible things (big tick) then tries to show he will be different (small tick), I trust him and he becomes the big tick again, meanwhile my lifeblood, faith, hope is being sucked out of me.
I woke up feeling so so so sad. It didn't stop. To make matters worse, it was our anniversary Saturday. Our 16 yr anniversary. (together for 20 years - TWENTY YEARS!!!)
I asked H to separate on Monday. I felt horrible all day and several times felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack.
I am hurting so much . . . kept hoping the worst was behind us (he overcame porn addiction besides the affair and at times was doing better w/alcohol).
But I do know one thing: I deserve better.