How can you have sex again with him (or her) and having pleasure in it??

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
How can you have sex again with him (or her) and having pleasure in it??
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 3:22pm


it is 2 years now since DDay and a lot has changed. I've posted earlier on my situation so to cut a long story short: we have become friends again, we are trying to make the best of it and to further improve our relationship, even though he knows that my romatic love for him has died during these two years and it will probably not come back. We have decided to stay together and it has been the right decision so far.

I even try having sex again with him. But here the problems start. Even though I am not sad anymore about the affair and even though I want to have sex I just cannot let myself go and enjoy it. I have to concentrate so much on feeling something phsyically that is it more than hard to sleep with him. Since DDay I have become much more selfish I guess, much more self confident (I have a lot of problems regarding this but I'm working hard on it) and so I am much more direct in telling him what I want and what I don't want. I want to have sex and there are times when I really need it, but with my husband in bed any lust seems to vanish. Today it started promisingly but then he made a false move, so to say, held me back at my shoulders (probably to keep me in a position that was agreeable for him) and it made me so angry I slapped his arms away. I never like it whenever he did this but it was never such a problem. Today it was. He was irritated of course, and a bit angry as well, and I just stood up and left the room. I it so easy for him to get it all and I have to fight for each tiny feeling of pleasure, it is just not fair.

I don't know how and if i can have pleasure again while sleeping with him. There are women here who do have sex with their husband even though the relationship isn't fixed in a perfect way, to put it this way: have you any advice for me?

Thank you,




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
I am 18 months out. I want the idea of sex but more often than not I decide not to. Every now and again I can go there but it is much more physical than mental or emotional. Not to be overly crass but basically it is to scratch an itch so to say. I think in some regards it is what it is. they took what we always thought was something special between only the 2 of us and made it something that disgusted us. Now they just have to deal with what they created. They also in my opinion shattered our woman-ness so to say. I.always thought I was what was attractive to my h the fact that he could jump in bed with someone else was a beating to my view of my attractivness. And if u don't feel attractive well..... The sex drive ain't going to come out either. these are just some of my reasons. I figure if he don't like the new rules he can look in the mirror for blame or he can get out because one thing I have changed is my view. I handled the worst he could their at me so now I say what I want sex included and if he don't like it he is welcome to leave. That if just the way he made it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2012
It was hard at first. I would sometimes cry in the middle of it, ask him to stop because I have such images in my head of him and her, it killed me so much. Slowly though, I taught myself each time I have an image in my head, I would think pleasant thoughts ... sometimes imagining myself doing it with some celebrity crush heh heh. Sometimes though I just leave him hanging and walk off, I just cannot take it. I will just hide in the toilet and cry. It's difficult, and so much hard work. It's been 4.5 years since d-day, I do sometimes still think about it, but it has gotten much better. Hang in there and take care.

D-day : Aug 06, 2008.
Got pregnant, have a babygirl 3.5 years after d-day.  So now we are a family of 4 :)

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

In my experience, it was real difficult at first to get past the revulsion, even though I wanted sex and didn't want it from someone new--that was even more revolting.  During those days of power-game playing, I refused to kiss him. That confused him as he couldn't understand why he couldn't kiss me but he could have sex with me. For me, kissing is far, far more intimate an act than sex... sex out of spite is easy to do.. one just waxes selfish et voila..  But once kissing becomes involved, that's a whole 'nother emotional level that I refused to go to with him. Not after he kissed those women and put them on their bodies. Ugh!