How to get thur holidays alone??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
How to get thur holidays alone??
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 1:59pm
Well this will be the first holiday season that I've spent w/o him in 7 years. I know that hes gone and thats his choice, but it doesn't make it any easier. All i can do is think of him, day and night. He haunts my every moment while I'm awake and my dreams at night. I don't know how I'm going to get thru this season this year. I miss our routine, my best friend. he was my everything, now i feel totally dead and lost inside. I can't really be too open w/ my friends and family, i don't like feeling judged, and i swear if i hear one more time how time heals all wounds I'm going to totally loose it!! I try to keep myself busy going to the gym, or finding some meaningless task at home to occupy my time, but the nights are the worst! all i can do is lay in bed alone and think!! Any suggestions are much appreciated.">">>

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 2:45pm
Hi sweetsara!
posting here I assume that he betrayed you and left
I would suggest taking off the rose colored glasses - he is not your best friend or the man you thought he was
you are surely better off without him if he does not want to be there
look at this as a new exciting experience full of possibilities
a new year and new you minus the loser
(lol sorry don't know the situation but this is my advice ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 2:53pm
I spent one Christmas without my DH, and I know what you are saying.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 3:52pm
Wow! I love that. Time does NOT heal, but gives time to get used to the changes! thats awesome, and it doesnt make me want to scream. thank you so much for your kind words. I am going to be w/ my family, friends and my son. Its just that HE is all i can think about. and when i'm out w/ people, i catch myself talking about HIM all the time! And i think what the heck am i doing?!! I know on some level that he was not the greatest man on earth, but he was mine and i loved him unconditionally anyway. This is all very new and i'm just having a hard time dealing with it all. that is why i decided to post here. i thought i may get some good advice from others that are going thru similar situations.">">>

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 4:21pm

Sara, Today is Thanksgiving and I hope you are spending it with people who love and support you.

After reading your posts I have something to say. When I wailed to my pastor/counselor that I could think of nothing but him/our R/their R/the future, etc, he said it is within my power to think about something else. He said a bird might fly over your head but you wouldn't stand by and let it build a nest in your hair. That made so much sense to me and while it's hard to think of something else, it CAN be done and it's in our best interest to do so.

I hope you can move forward. I'm going through a hard time right now but it's of my own doing because like you, I'm thinking too much, but I know from experience that whole hours can pass and you won't think of him. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 9:04pm

sweetsara, i am thinking i am much older than you.

a short glimpse at my reality. i have been married to a serial cheater for almost 32 years, yes, a long time. for 32 friggin years i put up with him cheating, 32, that is a long time. with each woman, a different story, new pain, new trauma - and for what? why the hell did i stay, i too loved him, he too was best friend, we too had a routine, i too valued the comfort of him in bed with me at night, i too felt dead and lost with each and every woman. BUT, i so wish i would have been freed of him when i was your age.

i will share something with you that may hurt, but it is the truth and when you are willing to believe what i am going to say you will begin to heal. HE IS GONE, there is not a darn thing you can do at this point, he was and now you are. i know you loved him, but he did not love you enough. if he would have he would have valued you, respected you, nurtured you, loved you, treasured you, protected you, he would be with you now. YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH THE MAN YOU WANTED HIM TO BE, NOT THE MAN HE REALLY WAS.

YOU MUST STOP THINKING ABOUT THE MAN YOU THOUGHT HE WAS, AND BEGIN TO SEE HIM FOR THE MAN HE IS. he is a cheater, he is a betrayor, he did not see in you the real treasure that you are. he did not see you as the special diamond that you are, a jewel in every way.

soooooooooooooooo, it is up to you to begin to love yourself, and stop worrying about the fact that he does not love you any longer. you must love you, you must value you, you must take care of you by not putting the pieces back together, oh no, that life is gone. IT IS TIME FOR A NEW GREAT LIFE. one filled with new experiences, fun, laughter, thrill, excitement.

you mentioned the gym, so obviously you have taken charge of your health, but you need more than sweat and hard work to get over this jerk!!!!!

you need to begin by:

drinking lots of green tea - the real stuff - 5-7 glasses a day

spend time out doors, look around you - enjoy the sky, the clouds, the trees blowing in the wind, the ocean beating down on the shore, the snow glistening like a blanket over the earth.

how about a new hairdo

begin reading self help books, a favorite of mine, as referred to me by another poster on this board, 'your best life now' by joel osteen

but this is most important - when you finish this - get up - go into the bathroom, look at the beautiful woman staring back at you. tell her you love her, and from here on out you will protect her. noone will ever mean more than YOU, than SELF, ever ever again

do not worry about what others think about this - opinions are like a--holes, everyone has one. do not isolate yourself, i realize it hurts but you must not dwell on it. you did nothing wrong, so what do you have to embarassed about. many people will try and support you with the only words they know, they are trying to help, but not really knowing how. hell, i told everyone, i did not worry about what they thought. let them think what they think, i have not control over any one other than me.

take your power back, when the tapes play back in your mind, or when the mind chatter begins remember to "let go and let God". i am not religious, but feel as though this journey has made me very spiritual. i have come to know my spirit deeply. you can not allow the memory of him affect you, i know it is hard, but in order to begin to live again, you must begin to build new memories and let go of the old, memories are to be cherished, i realize that, and yes, it was wonderful. but was, not is. now is the time for YOU to make personal traditions that you do for you, i.e serve a meal at a homeless shelter, go visit a senior citizens home, learn how to bake a velvet cake,

happiness is the best revenge, and while revenge is probably not something you are thinking about right now, think of it in a positive sense not negative. your are going to take back you life, no more sadness, enough of that.

this is the first day of the rest of your life, we only go around one time, this is no dress rehearsal - it is the real deal.

even on those days when you simply want to lay in bed and cry and sleep - force yourself to get up and get going with the rest of your life.

YOU ARE SPECIAL, BELIEVE THAT. I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 10:12am
Sweetsara.. happy thanksgiving..u have been given some wonderful advice and suggestions here.... i know all the words in the world dont change the pain you are feeling... it is so real, so raw, and so hard just to pick up and do what "normal" people do on a daily basis.. BUT! you mentioned your son; which tells me that you are loving somebody, you are showing your son that his mom has grace, and dignity and has respect for herself.. You are picking up and starting over.. i know it sucks, but we have no choice right?? this is our life and we have to start our new life today!!!
I have a 20 week old son... I am 33 years old and starting from scratch... every one of my friends is a "couple" -- your right - they dont "get it" -- but sometimes it is just nice to be with others, even for a short visit.. How about the zoo, create new memories for you and your son....i think getting out of the house is the best medicine...keep busy...and remember you can cry -- cry is healing.....
My nights are consumed with "those thoughts", the love that was, the love that will never be... but you know what - like sissy says "he never loved us enough" -- men who cheat are the worst kind, and really what kind of life was that for us, and for our sons!! we deserve better, hell I WANT BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite thing to do is take the little one to the mall, just to walk around, people watch, buy something special for yourself ( i usually treat myself to something and say "I deserve it"
It will get better, it has to get better - like i say -"it cant get worse!!"......
Keep posting..... we are here for you....