How long until you can be intimate again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
How long until you can be intimate again
13
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 6:59am
How long do you think it takes to feel safe enough to become intimate again, especially after a relapse affair? i love my H but I'm afraid to be vulnerable again! How does one know when you're ready?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 8:24am

It really depends on you and how comfortable you feel. When you are ready, you will know. For me I NEEDED my H intimately and emotionally after D-Day. I have always considered him as my best friend and anchor and when he cheated it was him again that I needed to help me get through what HE did. We literally stayed in bed for four days holding each other, talking, caressing,

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 8:30am

I'm very sorry, this is a tough one. I think it goes in waves and that will depend on your emotions. The brain is the most important sexual organ and until you sort things out in your head, it's going to take a while. For some it's not a lot of time. Other's it can take some time.

Two things you can do to help. Make sure you are doing the 180 list.

Take care of yourself. Eat right, get in a work out, take care of your family if you have one.

There is nothing more sexy than confidence. For you or your partner. You pull yourself together and start taking care of you and the other stuff will take care of itself.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 8:40am
Thanks for your advice. After the 1st affair we were intimate almost immediately, but having been burned twice w/his relapse affair it's hard to get back there. He's not pressuring me at all. He is afraid to be too close to me. He told me he's letting me take the initiative- he feels so guilty about what he's done so he wants me to take my time. We do hold hands and cuddle,but that's about it right now. Yesterday he asked me if I can ever forgive him. I told him if he proves himself trustworthy, then I can forgive him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 8:57am

Lizzie,


After my husband's 1st affair, like you, my DH and I were intimate again immediately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 9:31am

If you feel that you're ready and you'd like to try I think you should. Your H should understand if you have to stop unexpectedly. The first time after a DDay seems to be like an experiment- Can we really do this?


Anyway, my H and I have always had a very sexual relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 10:33am
For me it's hard to separate out the vulnerability.I just can't have sex for the pure physical pleasure unless I'm feeling some love. I do love my H and the vulnerability scares me, but I just want to feel "normal" again. And I think I want to see how he responds ,too. That will give me an idea of his commitment to me again. If I feel his passion, knowing him, that he can't be totally passionate unless he has feelings of love, his level of emotion will give me some sort of indication of his commitment to me.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 12:15pm

"When he had his A we still kept up a pretty sexual relationship. We had sex the next evening."

We had a two week difference between the time she asked me for a divorce and the time she admitted to having sex with the other man. I slowly found out that she had been "talking" to several other men and for some reason that flipped on a hyper sexuality switch. Even after D Day I had a sense that she told me because she wanted to work things out and telling me was a hurdle she had to get over. The intimacy kept in high drive for a while. Mostly I think it was about holding onto each other for dear life. I don't think we have ever had that type of desperate intimacy before or since. It seemed a little strange that we went that way. We would not just make love but cling to each other afterwards and just cry. But from reading these boards, it does sound a bit normal now.

Now we struggle to find time, and keep the ghosts of the other men out of the room. DW's anti-depressants are intimacy killers. So yeah, it's really tricky now.

On another note. One of the big issues for me now is that DW claimed I was lagging in my sexual attention for her. I took that as one of the issues I was suppose to solve and have tried to kick it into high gear. Now, she's the one that is less interested. This subject can drive me crazy if I think about it too much.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 1:24pm

It's not easy for you I'm sure w/so many kids. But according to my H's therapist ,intimacy does wax and wane in any marriage even w/out an affair in the picture. After the 1st affair, we too were having sex just clinging onto dear life. I thinks that's definitely normal.

My H is doing everything he can think of to get over all this and fight the feelings he had for the OW. He called me and said instead of calling the OW during the day ,he would call me now. He said he feels much happier doing this.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 2:07pm

"He called me and said instead of calling the OW during the day, he would call me now."

I kept checking the phone record after D Day and there were these long phone calls to her sister, the OM or her mom. She would call them about OUR troubles. Then after D day she would make a point of saying. "I'm calling YOU with this."

The embarrassing thing for me was that there was these 20 min phone calls to everyone and these two min phone calls to me. Now it is all long phone calls to me and a few short phone calls to mom and sis.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 2:23pm
Those phone calls to her mom and sister will probably become fewer and fewer. I think it's good when they start calling us- it means they are including us in their lives again. They can confide in us.

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