H's Light bulb moment.. VENT

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Registered: 07-22-2005
H's Light bulb moment.. VENT
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Tue, 05-02-2006 - 7:22pm

This is long sorry just need to vent..

I got angry today at my H. He had made a comment the other night that got under my skin and the fact that he is visting porn sites is bothering me. Even though he used to visit them before and I never cared. I guess my feelings have changed in that regard. Anyway today was the last straw.... He made some stupid comment and I lost it. I truly don't even know what the comment was all I do know is it hit a nerve and the flood gates opened wide!!

In a strange calm almost too calm way... I told him I was tired.. I was tired of feeling bad.. I was tired of wondering and thinking and re thinking everything he says and does. I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of feeling like I don't matter that my feelings don't matter. That he could be so clueless and think it would EVER be ok with me for him to make comments about other woman. To go to porn sites. To go back to his "normal" self while I sat here suffering the pain of his betrayal.. I told him that I felt it might be time for us to move on. For him and I to have sometime alone. That I was just too tired and not sure if could ever get over what he did to me. Since he seems to be able to go on as if nothing ever happened and I can't then it might be best that we stop this..

He looked at me and said he was sorry.. Great another sorry to add to my collection>> GO ME!! He held me close and I started to cry and cry. I told him I was driving myself crazy. That I could not stop thinking about what he did and thinking and rethinking. That no ONE day goes by with out me thinking about it..

Almost like a light bulb went off in him. He says to me I am so very sorry.. I don't know what to do or how to fix this outside of being here for you. This is the light bulb.... (I never truly understood the pain you have been in until now!!!??!?!?!?!?!) WTF!! where has he been? Does he not hear me? does he not listen in MC ? Does he not see my pain??

I am just in a tail spin like who have I been talking to? Who has been telling me they understand and will help me in anyway?? Does he not remember these talks?? I don't get it.. I am so confused..

Anyone care to comment? Any thoughts?

Sorry so long thanks for listening

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 9:15pm
Big hugs sweetie. I remember that pain. It hurts. One thing that helped me was trying to put myself in his shoes. If I had cheated on him, which btw is very hard to fathom, but if I had, I think I would want to forget it. I don't think I would want to think about it at all. Remembering, dwelling, focusing on the pain I'd caused another person is not something I would want to do. I'm not defending your H. I'm just giving you some advice on what helped me understand my H more when it appeared he wanted it all to go away and I just wasn't ready to yet. Where 5 years down the road now and life is much better.
AFA the porn sites are concerned, now that's something I would definitely put my foot down about. He needs to do anything, and everything you need him to do to help you heal. Good luck and keep us posted...........hugs and love.............found
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Registered: 07-22-2005
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 9:56pm

Found, Thank you so much for your response. I agree I do need to try and look at things from his side as well. I just wish I could get him to understand I need him to validate my feelings. I want him to try to understand me as much as I try to understand him.. Aft porn you are right that one is a big issue and the more I think about it the more I feel it is a deal breaker for me.

Thank you again for letting me vent.. I truly love this man with all my heart. I just want the pain to stop.. Before it eats me alive..

Hugs Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:35am

During our MC we found out that H had the attitude that he had done something wrong and was due for "punishment" from me and that my bad moods, crying, depression, etc. were all a form of punishment towards him. It is amazing how selfish he could be to think that it was all about him and that what I was feeling and going through was not real. The counselor was the one that caught on to this and I had not thought of it at the time I just knew H did not seem to understand what I was going through nor did he want to help me through it. That changed when he realized I wasn't just mad at him and wanted some kind of revenge to even the score. This may not be your case, but it shows how different our spouses view us than what reality is and how different both sides see the same situation. The MC told me to try to have compassion for the fact that H was not acting in spite, but out of ignorance and that he had a lot of learning to do to have a healthy relationship.

I am sorry you are feeling so down, but maybe this will be a turning point? I hope? You did a great job in telling him how you feel, it makes a difference in how it is presented to them, and you did great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 7:46am

Thank you so much for your response. I was thinking about this last night. I think you are right. I don't think he understands that my feelings are not my way of getting back at him. If I could I would never have another trigger but that is just not possible yet. I would love to be able to go back to "normal" as easy as he seems to be able to. But again at this time "normal" scares me and is just not possible yet. I wish he could see that I do not always tell him when I have a trigger. I try to let it pass or I think about it before I say anything in hopes to find the right words so not to hurt him. The last thing I want is to throw this in his face each and every time I have a trigger or a bad day. Thanks for giving me another side to think about. This does help knowing he just may not understand and is not just toning me out.

Hugs Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:32am

I, unfortunately, know exactly what you're talking about. H likes to act like its all ok and forgotten and then falls back into making comments about other women having attractive bodies, the hidden porn, the little comments. It does give one a reason to ponder on whether the WS has really understood, or cares, about the magnitude of his actions. You probably go back and forth with being "in" the relationship, to feeling like you need to get out for your own sanity and self-worth. I have no answers as I deal with this very same issues. Last night, I had a very similar moment such as yours. One where you're left questioning whether you even have it in you to continue with what may be just a charade and it does become emotionally exhausting. You hang in there until you are completely certain of what it is that you want to do. Perhaps having a weekend away, by yourself, will help you put things in perspective or at least not be such a constant drain on you to have to deal with seeing your WS and having the continual triggers? Maybe it will also allow him to reflect on just what he needs to do (if possible) to attempt to really repair this situation? I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please keep posting. There are many people who are here for you.

God bless.

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Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 10:34am

Hugs Irene :-(

In my NAMI course there was a class devoted to communication. When a person suffers depression s/he is focused on himself all the time. They like to beat themselves up so any 'YOU' statement only verifies the pain they cause & gives them the chance to wallow in their own pain again (I hurt everyone, their better off without me, etc.).

In your description of your comments to your H you did not use 'YOU' statements, you used 'I' statements. According to my class for some reason using I instead of YOU causes some sort of trigger that allows them to actually listen to you. It's not about 'them' it is about you - even though you really are talking about them.

I have been using 'I' statements much, much more and have had incredible results. Sometimes you have to practice what you want to say before saying it to make sure the word you or their name does not come up at all. The more you make it about you the better they listen.

Also, by me trying to understand H's pain has had him try to understand mine. I've even made comments on how I am trying to understand the OW's pain and trying to forgive her too ... but it's harder as I know & love him, but she is a stranger. It's easier to forgive the ones you love. I think telling him this helps in that he realizes I'm not making him or her the only enemy (you have to remember there is a lot of care for this OP still).

A statement I had also made to H when he first returned, but seemed to have positive impact was ... 'I think I have suffered the most pain in all of this, but I think you have more to recover from than I do. You have to deal with the pain your family has suffered, the pain you've caused her, you have to see me suffer and you have to come to terms with your illness.'

I say you talk to your H about the porn too. But use I statements as much as possible.

EXAMPLES:

'I know there was a time I did not fear porn, but my life is different now and it scares me to death.'

'I believe porn is a good outlet for many people, but then there are others I fear may let their minds wander too far from home. I am worried this is our case now.'

'I am feeling inadequate in our marriage now and to compete against porn is very difficult for me emotionally and on my self-esteem."

'I need more time to regain my composure in our marriage. Porn is threatening to me now and I'd appreciate it if it were not in our home for the time-being. Maybe once I feel more secure I will not be so senstative to it.'

--My Related Story--
Funny, this has been haunting me for days now. To become closer to H I started to play EverQuest II with him (on-line multi-media player game). Last week we were with a group of about 12 people and we needed access to a certain section of the game. One man said his W had access so he was going to log into her computer to get us in (she was already in bed). He came back & said she had changed her passwords. Not knowing this person of course my statement was a joke & I said, 'uh-oh, gotta worry when your spouses changes passwords.' Everyone laughed & he pointed out that she had to for some account reasons & he was not worried. But in the midst of the converation my H pipes in & says, 'trust her, she knows.'

WTF ...we're playing a game. Do we really have to let 10 strangers in on the fact my H betrayed me & I'm still with him???? Grrr, I cannot stop thinking about this and trying to figure out how to confront H in regards to it. It almost feels like to me there is a reward for him for being so bold to chance his marriage & won.

Hang in there sister.
Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:19pm
In my opinion, if your H felt bad for cheating there would be no way he'd be talking about how attractive other women are or looking at porn.
That right there is a sure bell ringer, to me, he doesn't feel the remorse he should. I would have a conversation about that and if he didn't understand and change that part of his life, well...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 2:31pm

Hey Irene! You know I can't give you much advice since I'm just 2 months out (well tomorrow it will be) but the other day me and H were talking and I said I needed to get some money out for a shower for someone at work that I don't know. He said 'Well, I wouldn't spend $15 bucks on someone I know, much less someone I don't!' And I'm sitting here thinking 'OMG did he really just say that? But he spent $84 for a vday gift for someone he will swear up and down was just a 'friend'?' I told my friend about it and her reaction was 'Does he not realize you are thinking about what he did ALL the time? And maybe needs to choose his words wiser?' Well, I didn't say anything then but then the next day we were fighting (he started it by criticizing my parenting skills in the morning - well YOU get up and get the kids ready for school, UGGHH, anyway that's another story) and I just HAD to bring it up. He throws up his hands and says how I'm never going to forgive him and he's giving up. But of course he doesn't give up, he came home after work and didn't say a word about it again.

Well, anyway I sent him an email Friday telling him what my 'bottom line' was (C suggested this since talking just gets me blamed for everything). Told him he was going to continue MC, I was going to have access to his records, he was going to control his temper and quit threatening to 'give up', quit blaming me for what he did and take some responsibilty for what he did (even tho he won't admit to anything - but maybe MC will help with that), etc. Since we can't talk about this sanely anymore, wrote that if he came home that night that would be taken as an acceptance of those conditions and if he decides to get into another shouting match about it, we can do it in court.

Anyway, I know what you are going thru and it is eating me alive too. I am NOT a religous person, but Friday after I wrote that I gave this to God. She can take it from here. Wish me luck and I wish you the same! Hugs ()()()

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 8:09am

((((((((Irene))))))))))))
.
I am sorry your hurting. I would have to say that my counselor would probably agree with day by day. Meaning that I could hear my counselor saying your husband just doesn't REALLY get the depth of your pain. It's not saying that he isn't trying or hasn't. But if he understood how much he hurt you than he would have been more in tuned to your feelings as well as continued to be in tune to your feelings.

I can tell you from my own experience that I find it important to get all the support I need from my husband. I can't do this alone or half a**. I want to get beyond this for good. And the only way I can do that is with a professional and give my husband the chance to learn all he can. I don't want to spend one more day obsessing about his affair more than I need to. I am not wasting another year on him. This is our last year for our best efforst. If he doesn't get it as well as I am not getting over it then it's time to move on without my husband:( . This affair crap I realized takes to much wasted time of my heart and mind. Hugs, Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 6:11pm

Tea, Thanks for the response. I do understand the feeling of just having enough of all the time spent dealing with the A. Given that it has been a year and a half now and I am still triggering daily it SUCKS!!!

There is so much I see in my H as far as true changes for the better. Yet I still feel I need more. Before I would have been so happy for these changes that I would not even think about keeping my one foot out the door. Only now I think maybe nothing will ever be enough???

I too have given myself one more year to stop being so consumed with this crap. Either I can move on with him or I need to move on by myself. Either way something has to give. I don't want my marriage to end but I also don't want to live in pain forever either..

Hang in there and good luck. Thanks for listening..

Hugs Irene

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