Husband got a babysitter!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Husband got a babysitter!
11
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 10:38pm

Hey ladies my one year dday anniversary is coming up as well as our ANNIVERSARY!! Dday was 2 days after our anniversary. dday is on a weekend and husband got a babysitter to celebrate. I wonder if he really knows what the exact date is but again I am not into reminding him of my most painful raging day where I lost 1/2 my dishes. Part of me wants to celebrate how far we have come and part of me wants to scream "don't you know what day that is".

I am opting for not saying anything to remind him and do my very best just to enjoy the weekend. Do you think he knows? Again I am left wondering but don't want to invade his thoughts of the ugly whore where I am sure he tries his best to forget everything.

We are having some really wonderful times lately. I have been impressed with my husband's communication. Sometimes I always wonder when we are communicating so well is it him or me who is changing. Don't know but either way it's been great communicating. I have my therapy appt tomorrow, I have not seen her in a very long while 3mo. I am very excited. Sometimes when things are going so good you forget why your so desperate to see them in the first place. But I know I will think of something;)

One more thing husband wants to go out with the guys (brother) this weekend! Eeek, he hasn't gone out without me in over a year. That is going to be hard but we will see. I will not say no, It's his choice. But I am scared on how I will feel that night.

Thanks for listening, I guess I just found what I can talk to my therapist about... Hugs to everyone, Tea

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:07am

Tea you sound terrific!


I agree with you that you wouldn't want to necessarily bring the OW into your H's thoughts at this point, but I'd also be curious as to his recollection of the date.


Suffice it to say, I'd rather wonder if he was aware of the specific date, than bring up a conversation and talk of the OW. Maybe that's just me, but in conjunction with the real efforts your H has made I'd just be more inclined not to stir the pot, and perhaps diminish the true spirit of the planned outing. Which is all about YOU.


You know I completely understand wanting your H to enjoy some boy time, but dreading it as well. I think it's all about control. I mean as a BS I wanted control over everything to ensure I was safe and secure. It was difficult to lengthen the leash, but necessary if I hoped to have the sort of relationship I was striving for. I think it's a great topic to discuss with your therapist. It may help you identify what your fears are and how they can get transferred to your H.


Hugs, and enjoy your "date" with your H.


Solazzo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:49am

Thank you Sol, I am excited for our weekend getaway. I haven't asked my husband this in a long time but last night I did. Why did you do it? For the first time it was just simple "I was selfish". Can you believe it took him a YEAR!!! To finally say that to me. It almost pisses me off! It took him a year to stop justifying his behavior with his feelings. I asked some questions during our bed talk for reassurance. He does remember it was April the last time he talked to her. But he did not give me a date. Maybe he didn't want to remind me but either way I still wasn't up to reminding him.

I asked how often he thinks about his affair. He says all the time. At first he didn't think he did, he thought he only thought about it everytime I seemed upset about ANYTHING. But as he talked more and more he realized he thinks about his frustrations at himself all the time. I asked him if he ever thought of her fondly or "I wonder how she is doing" he said NEVER. I wonder if that's true because even I have thought about my Xboyfriend. Not out of any feelings but just more so of a curiousity. He says he is to busy trying to compartmentalizing. LOL! I don't believe my husband's OW really loved my husband. The truth is they both got what they wanted at the time. Part of me almost wished she wanted him "so badly". So that I can enjoy my husband breaking her heart. But she didn't based on her actions after dday 2. Sure she flirted and she may have liked him but never loved. My husband was her escape affair so that she could get out of her bad marriage. She was my husband's ego because he was lonely and missed a companion as a woman.

It took him a year to REALLY comfort me the way I felt that he REALLY gets it!!! Sure he stayed and told me he loved me. I sent him an email of a poster who had a beautiful way of posting how he could help when I am triggering. I guess you could say I felt safe.

I tend to not ask the painful questions anymore, I don't know why? Maybe more so out of fear of the answers changing. We had a good but painful talk.

As for his boy time. I am currently asking myself all these questions so that I also can get to the bottom of what I am exactly feeling. I believe its more of what you said sol, that I just want to control my environment so that I can feel safe. Thanks sol, sincerely, Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 2:33pm

Tea,

My dh has no clue about how he could help when I am having a day where I'm stuck, and it's something I'm sure my therapist told him but he can't seem to remember. What does your dh do?

Also, the 1 year anniv. of him starting the affair (d day is June 4) is nearing and it freaks me out. He doesn't want to talk about it hardly anymore because he says it reminds him of a time and decisions he wants to forget. Then today he told me about how OW had said she'd throw her water bottle on him (small, I know, but it's the type of stuff they used to do)...I said well why would she say that? And he says well, he pretended to flick water at her after washing his hands. I asked him why he's started flirting with her and how long has that been going on. He says it's not flirting, just being funny. My IC would say otherwise I am sure. Yesterday he said OW told him she didn't do a particular procedure because she "wanted him to think of her next year when he had to do it" !!!!! Why does he let her cross that line I thought was so clear? And why does he do it??? Ugh, I was feeling so good this week, now this...

Anyway have a good weekend...

wisc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:50pm

When I use to trigger my husband would hold my hand and say he was sorry, but I could tell that he would retrieve himself. He never pulled his hand away but I could feel the limp in his strength. He became very quiet and wouldn't say anything until I would calm down and even then once he felt I was done he would try to change the subject.

What I felt differently was he was full strength of comfort. It was amazing. I haven't felt any retrieving or defense from him. The email I sent him was about how the WS can not stop it from raining (my trigger). If I am triggering there is nothing he can do but to get outside and hold an umbrella for me until it stops raining. He said he is going to be my umbrella. He didn't try to change the subject. He held me, loved me and comforted me.
Hope that helps.

>>>>>>>>Why does he let her cross that line I thought was so clear? And why does he do it??? Ugh, I was feeling so good this week, now this...<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I am sorry you have so much on your plate to have to continue to deal with his OW. You know what he is doing. When my husband had his affair I was/am adamant that he has to tell me EXACTLY how the flirting started. Only until he can tell me the signs of the flirting will I feel safe with him and "any" OW. My counselor understood my position and encouraged my thinking of finding out exactly about his ability to recognize flirting. I often felt that if he could recognize those signs on his own than he would set new boundaries for himself. The truth is he STILL struggles with telling me what was flirting. He can only recognize it in actions. Like going out to lunch with her. Basically he says talking to her in the first place. What? you idiot if that were the case I wouldn't be able to trust you to talk to any woman.!!!! He says there was no stalling at eachother's offices. There was no "looks" between eachother. The only time he remembers is when she lied for him to cover his butt with a coworker. Other than that he says he never looked for excuses to talk to her or call her until they went out for supper. THIS IS EXTREMELY hard for me to believe, is this because I am a woman????. I DO BELIEVE that he didn't recognize those signs but some flirting had to have happened. Don't you think? I often think of how my husband flirts with me. He usually makes jokes and he gazes. Besides of course grabbing me;) it would be hard to recognize. Of course in OW's case I should have figured something when she would bring food to the office, giving away her son's toys to my children (because her kid doesn't play with them anymore *eyerolling*) and calling his cell for directions as well as lying for my husband should have been my first clue!!!!
Okay I am sorry I got off in a tangant here being that husband went out tonight with the boys for the first time in over a year. And currently I just want to beat him with a bat!. I told him I would try my very very best to calm myself down and I had no intentions of making him pay for going. This is harder than I thought. The more I think of his unannounced boundaries the more I want to chase him down and call him a liar!!!

okay 1,2,3,4,5,6,7......99, 100. Gotta go keep myself busy. hugs and I hope your weekend is better, tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 5:38pm

They do, ok mine does, remember when he told me. Just last night he made a comment that " it had been right about 8 months dear". He was right on the nose. Oddly little things like that make a difference. That no matter how many times he says he's moved on that he remembers how bad he hurt me and when.

Broken98

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 1:59am

Well ladies I have come here to tell you that NO MY HUSBAND DID NOT REMEMBER the date!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! He switched our weekend to the following due to the availability of the plans he is making for us. Which in turn I had told him i didn't want to switch weekends BEFORE he switched but I didn't tell him why. Basically we both had thoughts going in our own heads that we never shared with eachother. I did not want to remind him of the significance of that weekend to me is. In turn it backfired and I got pissed, He didn't remember. And all I could feel was "great, I can stay home that day instead of making new memories like I had hoped".

It completely backfired on me by not sharing the significance of doing something on my dday:( I guess I have to go apologize for getting so crabby that he switched the weekend on me. And of course a few other no so nice things I had to say *blush*. Wish me well on swallowing my pride. Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 8:50am

You know Tea, it's tough call. I mean you don't want the A in his face, and you don't want to be pulling the OW into his thoughts, or create issues or arguments or bad feelings about you and the rebuilding...yet you want to know what motivates him.


It was a dilemma for you and you chose to go with it. Of course you're disappointed that it wasn't a significant date for him to try to recreate a new better memory on. That was inevitable because you placed so much significance on his performance for that day.


I still think I would have opted for no conversation and gliding through the day...don't beat yourself up...after all hind sight is 20/20 on these things.


So next time you'll be upfront about what you're feeling in the hopes he will also be...do you ever feel like you move from one drama to the next and wonder how much your own thought process contributes to that? I know I do sometimes.


It's a process and one that you will both continue to learn from. Perhaps you set yourself up for disappointment on this one by placing so much importance on the "date" and the want for him to create a new fantasy date so you'd have something to overshadow the previous events. You know by now that you're not going to forget those events even if there are other good memories to add.


I don't know....sometimes I just have to remove the significance of the events on a certain day...by telling myself it's just another day, like any other and I can chose how I view it and how I move through it. It doesn't make the good days and events that were unplanned any less significant. In fact I've found that the best days I've had are the completely unplanned ones, that just unfold.


Sweetie...you place a lot of pressure on yourself from within yourself. You're human, your H is human and to err is human. So next time you'll try a different approach and see how that works for you...Don't lose sight of the fact that you will have an opportunity to try a different approach next time because you are together and working towards a better relationship...that's all that matters.


Hugs,

Solazzo


Solazzo

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 6:30am
Tea hang in there, you get all the credit in the world for rebuilding, especially since it's going on a year for you. My H wants back and I find myself caving....thank God for the board, you all keep me centered.
Sol, catching up with all the posts since I've been away. Tried e-mailing you but it was returned.
Missed everyone here. L.C.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 9:02am

Thanks for the support Sol and ceejay, I really needed it. Sometimes I don't know how me and my husband do it. We can communicate so well then all of a sudden we'll get into a big argument. Then we have to trace back to where did we go wrong and what was the other person trying to say. It's frustrating. Especially when your putting on your psychology hat and attempting to communicate with the "I" statements. And they don't want to hear you. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

He was being one stubborn a** over this one. Wanted to just sweep it under the rug and not discuss it. Meanwhile he just wants to pretend we are okay. I can't stand that! I felt lonely the whole time.

I know we'll get over it. I apologized and had "hoped" I validated his feelings but apparently not very well if he is still stewed about it. What more can I do?. I suppose your suppose to just let it go. I have a hard time doing that until I know he AND I feel good. Thank goodness I have counseling on Friday. Thank you. Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:53pm

I can only speak of my situation, but I don't think my H thinks about dates associated with the A. And if he does, he doesn't bring it up because I think he knows it brings up painful memories and hurt for both of us. But as for exact dates, I don't think most men remember them or attach much significance to dates involved with the A unless they correspond with major holidays. For instance, my H went above and beyond for my birthday in November and actually went overboard with jewelry. He's a saver and not a spender so the fact that he showered me with expensive, really thoughtful gifts was in itself really special. The reason was that the EA with the OW started right before my b-day the previous year so he was trying to make it up to me this time and give me better memories to help erase/ease the ones from last year. But if you asked him what he did on a specific weekend during the A that didn't have anything to do with a major holiday, he honestly can't tell you an exact date or weekend.

Does that make any sense at all or am I just rambling? LOL

Pinkgirl

Pages