"I had to make changes either way."

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Registered: 09-12-2008
"I had to make changes either way."
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Tue, 04-07-2009 - 7:09am

DW and I were driving back from my work together yesterday. I thought it was a very important conversation about owing our own contributions to the problems in our marriage.

Two weeks before D Day, DW took me for a walk and asked me for a divorce. I asked what I could do to fix things. She said "getting rid of the tv in our bedroom would be a good start." I took it out that day and placed it face down in my office floor. A few days after D Day, I put my sledge through it in front of her. The fact of the matter is that I had become a no-show father and husband. If I stay with DW or not, I had things I needed to change. Today, eight months later, I've come a long way, yet I recognize that I am a work in progress.

DW has heard me say this a few times now and it's been percolating in her brain I suppose. She expressed to me in the car yesterday that if she left me, she would have to address her need for attention from other men. She could not go through life bouncing from one man to the next. It was unhealthy for her and a lousy example for the children. She had to make changes in her life, She said that it was only right to make these changes now and work through this with me. It's not entirely romantic. It's practical. But this is a far cry from where we were and the things that were coming out of her mouth back in August.

We BOTH dug ourselves into this big hole we are in. Maybe there is something romantic about helping each other pull ourselves out of that hole and recommitting to be far better than we ever were.

I told my spouse the last of my secrets. That I had an email exchange in Jan with one of the men. I told her what he confessed to me. DW gave me new info. I really wanted to grill her but found a way to just let it go. I'm doing a lot better with that now, letting it go.

That was then. This is now. Our kids are really acting out at the moment. I'm not sure what to do. Just when DW and I are on the verge of peace, these kids are offering new stress. Ugh! We can't seem to catch a break.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding




Edited 4/8/2009 10:22 am ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 9:55am
I think it's very adult to understand that the A belongs to your WS, but the M belongs to you BOTH and BOTH have responsibility for making it good enough to be fully secure.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

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Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 7:22pm

Thomas, we are all "works in progress", every day of our lives, with or without affairs hitting us in the head.

 

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 9:32pm

This is actually a pretty big thing for her to own up to. DH realized something similar about himself and learned to set some pretty strict boundaries. No, it isn't romantic, most things about being M aren't, but it is pretty big and shows a great deal of growth. If she can figure this out, you won't have to follow her around and and out-macho every guy she interacts with. She is accepting responsibility for protecting you and your M. That is a wonderful thing.

At least your kids are acting out when you and W are a united front. Believe me, it sucks when it happens and you cannot depend on your spouse to back you up. Kid problems on top of M problems are not something you really want to deal with.

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Tue, 04-07-2009 - 9:38pm

"the only consistent thing we own is in our inability to STAY there for long"

"Isn't that the truth. Woof!

Kind words Myra, it's nice to hear what you had to say. Thank you. Yeah, the hurt thing is a tough one. I guess I bought into the whole Idealized world view where we looked into each other's eyes at our marriage and promised to look after each other and look out for each other. I didn't understand when and how I stopped doing this for my spouse. I really can't understand that when things really were getting out of control for my spouse, why she didn't include me in on the conversation. I got snippets like, I really want the kitchen floor repaired. I would say, "well, lets get through school and we will start with the roof and work our way down. Then she would say, I'm watching too much tv. Well, ok! Just add that to the list of all my imperfections. She never said that we were on the edge. I would like to think that if she said that men were giving her attention AND she was RESPONDING, or "it's the TV or Me" before the affair that I would have responded the same way I did after the affair.

Ugh, Now I'm obsessing. I'm going to go work out. Double Ugh!

later

Tom

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 02-16-2009
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 8:53am

"getting rid of the tv in our bedroom would be a good start."


My H doesn't have a problem with the tv.

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Wed, 04-08-2009 - 10:46am

"Bottom line is that I haven't read a book in the last 4 months."

As a publisher, I have to say, you're breaking my heart! he he

"It did turn in to a catch twenty-two though. Because he didn't want to do anything with me, I read. Because I was always reading he felt shut out and didn't want to do anything with me."

Oh man is this the truth. We got into this rut and still find ourselves in something similar. She complains that I'm not attracted to her or drawn to her, but then she complains that I want her at the wrong times. Or I miss read her emotions or think she want's me to go away when she really wants me to pursue her. or visa verse. She felt that I was being distant (which I was) but now that I show up to her work with lunch she complains that I'm checking up on her (which I am). This is coming across form my viewpoint. I'm sure she could list a ton of my schizo stuff.

Thomas

--------

Pamm

"If she can figure this out, you won't have to follow her around and and out-macho every guy she interacts with. "

Yeah, That would be nice, cuz I'm running out a machismo! Ugh! Much more of that and I might become a Supertramp fan or find myself downloading full albums of the 80's mega band, Air Supply. Woof!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_9aojzQee0&feature=PlayList&p=3A4B3A7F27413EBB&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 02-16-2009
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 3:02pm

From what I

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 9:39am

I wonder if some of the push-me/pull-me stuff is part of the fog lingering. In order to have a good sexual relationship, you have to be vulnerable, open and understanding. The WS closes hImself off to the BS as he opens up to the AP, then the process is supposed to reverse immediately once rebuilding starts, but I don't think it goes so smoothly. My DH has a tough time being vulnerable under normal circumstances, or I should say choosing to be vulnerable because I don't think he appreciates how often he rolls over for me, and choosing to be vulnerable to someone he had hurt so viciously was a huge risk.

It could also be a power thing. Her As have changed the power differential in your R. Her controlling your sex life by being unpredictable and unpleasable keeps you hopping after her like her APs used to.

Whatever it is, you cannot read her mind and it is unreasonable for her to expect you to. It is past time for to be more open to you and to make some concessions in this area.

I learned the hard way with DH that if I wanted something from him emotional or even sexually, I had to tell him what it was. His natural inclinations most often are opposite of what I need from him, so instead of complaining about him not being able to read my mind, I tell him what is on my mind. Since I have started doing this, he has gotten a lot better at reading me and overcoming his natural inclinations.

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Sat, 04-11-2009 - 9:00am

"I learned the hard way with DH that if I wanted something from him emotional or even sexually, I had to tell him what it was. His natural inclinations most often are opposite of what I need from him, so instead of complaining about him not being able to read my mind, I tell him what is on my mind. "

I guess I'm struggling in two areas. My brain wants to go back to that hyper intensity I felt after D day. Those moments where we were just clinging to each other for dear life. Now that she is on anti-D meds. Her sex drive has all but vanished. I'm struggling not to be that guy who is clingy and unattractive nor the guy who is distant and uninterested.

I feel that tug-of-war even in talking about it. Why don't you women come with an instruction manual? There has to be one in that library you work at. Would you kindly locate it and I'll ILL it ok. he he. You know, I hang out with the special collections heads at the major Universities in my area. I would love to go into conservation or fine press myself. Nothing like the smell of PVA or a vintage book with a deckle foredge and just a hint of foxing.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.