I put a keystrock log on my computer

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
I put a keystrock log on my computer
24
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:22am

I got one of those cyber sitter programs for my computer. Now part of the reason I did it was to keep and eye on my girls and who they are talking to on line. I have heard so many things about kids getting into trouble by giving out too much info.

The bonus is I can check where my H is going as well. He is visting porn sites with web cams.. Now prior to his A this was not really an issue for me. I enjoy reading erotic fiction and have watched porn with my H before. However, this really bothers me now. I am not secure in our marriage the way I once was and feel that things like this can and have lead to chatting with woman and then move on to meeting and so on.

My problem is do I tell my H what I have found or do I keep logging the sites and see what happens? I am really torn by this as I did not want him to know I put this program on the computer. All though I did tell him I have been keeping tabs on the kids. He does not know how and I am sure thinks it is by looking at the history that I am sure he clears anyway when he is done looking..

Any ideas on what I should do?
Thanks Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:51am

Hey - I think I'm your clone. I have a keylogger on my computer which is how I found out what I know about the A. I guess he didn't question how I found out the things I did so when I went out of town a couple of weeks later, he looked up some 'very soft' porn sites, mostly just boobie pics. Like you, this NEVER would have bothered me, I have always had a pretty open mind sexually, but this time it just stung like a dagger thru the heart. I tried not to say anything but I ended up making some smart aleck remark and he figured it out. Since he deletes his history, he must have put 2 and 2 together cuz now he never touches this computer. I guess that's a good thing that he is not doing anything on my computer to hurt me or communicate w/ OW anymore, but since I still think he is up to something, I've lost my method for getting evidence.

So basically my advice is to lay low, unless in your mind this is a deal breaker. It really wasn't in my case and wouldn't be unless he was trying to make contact with an OW and I wish I would not have shown my hand over that deal. I think you are a bit farther out from dday, I was just two weeks out so I justify my slip-up by the fact that I was still pretty much in shock and very insecure about going out of town in the first place. Hopefully you can be stronger than I was....

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:06am

I have to say something here -- one of the first things our MC told me is that once you start rebuilding, there can be no more secrets between the two of you. Everything must be out in the open and honest. It would be dishonest of you not to tell your H about this. It could hurt the trust you've been working so hard on rebuilding on both of your parts in your M.

Is there something that's made you suspicious and led you to track what your H is doing?

Pinkgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:06am
Thanks, I know last night I almost slipped as well. With some stupid dig but I stopped myself. I really do want to see where this goes if anywhere. He has not visted the site where he met OW. It was a fan based site not porn.. He has not sent any e-mails nor have I seen and screen names that I do not know about. So for the most part no deal breakers yet. I am hurt by the porn. Only I think because I feel so insecure and still need all of his attention to be focused on just me.. The computer was how he started his A. So I am on edge each and everytime he touches it. I think I am going to do just that lay low and see what happens. In all other areas he is doing what I need him to do. I hate the fact that I feel the need to check up on him... I never would have even thought about doing such a thing before.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:13am

Irene, I was wondering when you think back to your past has he always looked at porn? Did he do this during your dating period and in the beginning of your marriage?

My red flag would be if this is something he started doing after you got married. My concern would be that this habit is it new? did he start viewing after you were married? If that was the case then I would see this more as a dissatisfaction of something. A problem that he is releasing the wrong way. And I wouldn't like it one bit. But if it was something that he ALWAYS had done then I wouldn't be scared so much. Still wouldn't like it but i guess I would be less worrisome of it.

There was an excellent show on Oprah. They had discussed the issues of porn and web cams. That "men" demoralize women and the expectations are unrealistic for their own spouse. Which can make their own spouse seem dull in comparison. Also it discussed making it easier to cross the line into an affair because of the years crossing the line mentally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:14am

Although I believe in honesty and truth, I think you should lay low right now and keep it to yourself.

During the brief time period when STBX pretending to R, I found OW was emailing him regarding work issues. He knew I had his passwords, but didn't know I was checking. I wanted to be completely honest with him so I told him I saw her emails. Big Mistake! This just gave him the opportunity to plan a different way to communicate with her that I wasn't able to see. I should have listened to my gut. There was a reason I felt the need to check his emails and I should have kept what I found to myself longer than I did.

I can completely understand those that will disagree with me on this. I would have too until I made the mistake of letting him know I was watching him. If your gut is telling you there is a reason to check up on him, there most likely is... get the hard evidence first and then tell him (or go to an attorney).

good luck - we'll support you in whichever decision you make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:14am
Pinkgirl, No nothing he has been doing has made me feel I need to track him. Just what he has done in the past! See after d-day I took away the computer. I did not have one in my house for almost a year. My kids have wanted to have one back and did need one for school so I put it back together and got internet service again a few months ago. My H's A started on line in a fan based web site. So when I see him on the computer it does bother me a great deal. I was not safe from his A on a site that was not pron related. So I am affraid of him finding someone or her again and being hurt. You are right no secret is good in a M. However, how do I protect myself? Others check e-mails, phone records, why not online? I mean he knows I have checked his phone records his car and other things.. He knows I do not trust him yet. So I am not sure if I need to show my hand on this just yet?? If I tell him he can cover his tracks and I can be left in the dark.. I am just so confused but this has given me food for thought..
Thanks
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:31am
This is something he has always done. So not a new habit at all. I guess that now I understand more what Oprah show said. That it does make it that much easier to cross the line. That he did cross the line and that is what scares me. He was involved in a fan based on line board like this kind of. Just talking with groups of people with the same interest. That lead to flirting with his xow and then to cyber sex with web cam and then meeting. So I am very affraid that he will meet someone and start all over again. Then again he could do that anywhere.. I hate this!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:34am
Thank you, I think at this point I need to keep this to myself. I have this feeling I need to know what he is up to. If only to easy my mind that what he says is true. That he is 100% committed to me and me only. I don't trust him yet and I feel I have a right to protect myself. So I am going to do just that for awhile. Irene
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:37am
Irene you mentioned your husband is doing everything he can to fix himself. Is he doing counseling? How is he doing his soul searching? Because if this is a I can fix myself attitude. I would be rightfully scared that this will happen again.
. best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:45am
You hit the nail on the head! He does have the I can take care of it myself thing going on! We did MC and IC and then money got tight so we stopped. I have asked him to go again and he says no we do not need it! Everything is fine!! So I started back with IC for me. Maybe I can get him to come with me so I can share some of this with him there! food for thought..
Irene
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