I screwed up

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
I screwed up
12
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 5:56pm

Well, I went and looked at his stupid bank account again today. I'm ok as long as he has accessed it that day cuz it just has the date it was last accessed. But he hasn't looked at it today so he'll know that I am still looking. He went ballistic on me a couple of weeks ago for doing it. I just don't think I can handle it today (or tomorrow or ever).

He says what I'm doing is just as bad as the lying and deceit he put me thru with his A. I don't get it. I hear a lot of 'full disclosure' and 'he must be an open book' from you guys, but he doesn't prescribe to that theory.

I think he is still seeing OW/coworker. I know this sounds nuts, but I just get this 'feeling' in my gut when he's with her. And we went away for the weekend so it's been a while since he's seen her and prolly has LOTS to talk about. I tried to call him at lunch but he had his phone off. Called me when he got back and was all defensive about me being down in the dumps (anniv of my mom's death) and saying I needed to snap out of it and not kick him, he's not the dog and I'm gonna ruin all of our progress(?) with my 'malaise'. The thing is I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING to him about ANYTHING except 'why didn't you answer your phone?' I went to the store a few minutes ago and he called me 8 freakin times (guess cell was dead in the store) and he asked me the same freakin question 'why didn't you answer your phone?' (which he has a right to IMHO). I was not kicking him. He acts guilty, I know now how he acts when he's guilty....

Maybe I'll get my wish and he'll leave. Be careful what you wish for I guess. I just don't want the kids or myself to get involved in another screaming match. I'm so tired of screaming...

Thanks so much for listening AGAIN today!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
In reply to: blewbelle
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 7:12pm

Unfortunately our instincts are usually right... I hope that in your case they aren't. If he doesn't have anything to hide then why does he care? He

 BabyFruit Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
In reply to: blewbelle
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:23pm
You have every right to check on his stuff. I do all the time, his work email, his cell phone, pockets - you name it. He knows I do it, and he does not say one thing to me. He has told me, that this is what he deserves for what he has done to me, and feels guilty everyday for it. I hope you are getting counseling, especially if you are trying to rebuild.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
In reply to: blewbelle
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 7:38am
OH MY GOD. I AM GOING THROUGH EXACTLY THE SAME THING WITH THAT F'N CELL PHONE. I HATE IT. EVERYTIME I BRING MYSELF TO TRUST HIM THAT PHONE ISSUE COMES UP. ITS EITHER ON VIBRATE NOW AT NIGHT THEN SOMEONE LEAVES A MESSAGE. OR SOMEONE IS TEXT MESSAGING HIM WHICH NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. IT RINGS EVERY FRIGGIN NIGHT. I JUST TOLD HIM THAT I CAN'T BE AROUND IT. I CAN'T LISTEN TO IT ANYMORE. I CAN'T CHECK THE BILL BECAUSE IT IS HIS WORK PHONE. WHICH AMAZINGLY WORK IS CONSTANTLY CALLING HIM UP UNTIL 11 AT NIGHT. HE GETS ALL DEFENSIVE AND SAID I HAVE TO STOP WITH THE PHONE ISSUE. SEE, MY HUSBAND HAS NOT BEEN CAUGHT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN BUT I AM NOT STUPID. I SEE THE SIGNS. HE VEHEMTLY DENIES IT AND MAYBE HE IS TELLING THE TRUTH NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE. ALL I KNOW IS EVERYTIME I START TO BELIEVE HIM THAT CELL PHONE ISSUE KNOCKS ME BACK A FEW. SOMETIMES I THINK IT IS MY IMAGINATION RUNNING WILD WHICH IS WHY I NEED TO WALK AWAY FROM IT WHEN IT RINGS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
In reply to: blewbelle
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:10am

If any of you ladies are fairly new rebuilders you have EVERY RIGHT to check up on your WS!!! NEVER feel guilty for doing this. If your spouse can not handle it then that is to bad. My WS knew this was expected of him if we were going to rebuilding. If he ever got upset and it was usually because I was acting self righteous, I would still tell him to bad if he wants to be in a relationship with me it is to be expected for awhile. When I asked my WS kindly it was NEVER an issue.

Do you want to know when it was an issue where he would get mad at me? When he was still lying between dday 1 and dday 2. So yes I do believe when WS get angry it's usually because they still have something to hide.

My spouse still hates it when I get self righteous and I check up on him like a child. I can't blame him. But he knows that I check at whenever I want to. In fact he says when I am acting self righteous don't even tell him I am checking his stuff. Just do it.
The need to check up will get better as their actions support their words ladies!. Good luck and Please never feel scared or guilty. tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: blewbelle
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:30am

Um, I don't see where you screwed up. Your husband cheated on you, so, yes, you do have a right to do some checking.

He's upset but that really shouldn't be your problem. If he doesn't give you any reason to doubt him, you won't have to check up on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: blewbelle
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:55am

You say you get a feeling in your gut when he's with her. I don't know your whole story, but why is your H with the OW if he's cheated on you with her? That's not NC. You can't move forward and rebuild unless there is absolutely no contact with the OW at all, period.

Don't ignore your gut. If it is telling you he's still cheating, then the chances are pretty high that he is.

I'm guessing that the two of you aren't in MC. Have you approached him with MC? What is his response?

Your H is showing three major red flags here -- he's still in contact with the OW, he's still majorly defensive about everything, and he's turning his cell phone off when he has no reason to (a major flag that he's probably with the OW at that time).

I would say you need to do two things:

1. Demand NC with the OW immediately. I don't care if he works with her or what. There should be NC in my opinion. I've seen other people here who's WS still works with the OW. That simply wouldn't fly with me. He'd either get another job or transfer or he'd be divorced. JMHO. But NC must begin TODAY and that means no phone calls, no emails, no personal contact -- absolutely nothing for the rest of their lives. That's NC in a nutshell.

2. Demand that he start MC with you. If he refuses, then you need to pack his bags and throw him out of the house. I firmly believe that you cannot successfully rebuild without MC. You need that neutral third-party to get your H to understand that what he's doing IS cheating on you, that it's not acceptable, and that it must stop immediately. Your H also needs MC to get to the root of why he cheated. If he never figures that out and solves the problem, he WILL cheat again because he's never resolved the issue that led him to that behavior in the first place.

You have to be firm and stand your ground. If you don't, your H will fencesit forever and put you through this crap for months upon months. You deserve better than that. You are his WIFE, and you have every right to demand that he do these two things. If he can't commit 100% to your M, then he no longer has the right to live under the same roof with you or be a part of your life. It's that simple. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Don't let him make you feel guilty because you have nothing to feel guilty about. He's the one who's cheating, not you. You've done nothing wrong. But if you don't stand your ground and if you give in, you'll be giving him the green light to walk all over you and continue the A. It will be the hardest thing you've probably ever had to do, but it's necessary.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, and I know how hard it is. I wish you the best and hope everything works out. Keep us posted.

Hugs!
Pinkgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: blewbelle
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 2:55pm

He won't admit to anything physical so in his mind, he did not have A so there is no reason to go NC or MC or anything like that..

Here is what I have proof of:
1) had an email address just for her that included cute little emails back and forth 'I miss you' 'Can't wait to see you Monday!' 'I miss talking soo much' (this right after a fight about WTF he had tried to call her 4 times on his cell while I was at the store, he sent the email while I was in the shower)'Are you up there? If so, I'll be there as soon as you answer.' (this on a saturday when we had plans as a family, guess he would have cut out)... etc...
2) sent her a $84 junk food bucket on vday w/ message 'Here you go Kiddo... Hope this puts some Junk in your Trunk! Your Friend'
3) Used to talk about her all the time then stopped, came up w/ excuses of workload, job change that would require working w/ her after hours, subsequent time away from home (at xmas time when this firm has traditionally gone into crawl mode)... she would always answer the phone after hours I'd call cuz his cell would be 'dead'...
4) Lots of 'necessary' cell calls after hours to 'work' to 'check on things' Interestingly, since d-day one month ago no overtime or phone calls to work have been necessary... actually even took some time off over spring break which when asked when he was in the middle of all this 'work was too busy to take off'...

He has said he 'crossed a line' but will not elaborate. She was just an 'ear, a friend, like a sister' he says... I think it was more than that or well on its way... He also denied everything until I put the keylogger and found the above 'proof' and even denied the vday gift till I showed him the email that confirmed the purchase, guess he didn't realize I was able to get into the email account w/ the pw the keylogger had recorded.

So. WDYT? Am I being unreasonable here in my suspicion and my insistence that he did 'cheat' on me? Heck, just all the lies and deception he's put me thru in the last three months is enough to justify NC and MC in my opinion. But you know... he has to lie to live with me... cuz I'm so unreasonable about his friendships w/ the other sex. If I weren't the jealous type he would have told me everything he says... WTF? I didn't know I was the jealous type. Not till now! Sorry so long... thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: blewbelle
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:28pm

Then take the affair out of the equation. Tell him you want to go see a marriage counselor because you feel the marriage could be stronger, or you want to see what MCs are like, or you heard about a great one from a friend.

Eliminate the blame, the important thing is that the two of you go. Let the MC figure out why you are there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
In reply to: blewbelle
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 6:15am

Gosh that sounds so familiar, DENY DENY DENY!!:( In fact my own husband planned on ABSOLUTELY NEVER telling me that he had sex with his OW. Absolutely never! He was backed into a corner where he had nowhere to go until he finally was forced to confess. Thinking about it now brings such fury in me. I honestly called a polygrapher on dday 2 because I absolutely did not believe him anymore. I told him he had to take the test in order to sleep here at the house ever again. He didn't want to but it was enough to FINALLY force the truth. He knew that I was no longer tolerating the lies until he PROVED that the OW or husband were lying. I had the kids at the babysitters and I was ready to drive anywhere for him to prove ASAP!

Yes he did tell me he never planned on telling me. He was going to do everything he could so that I wouldn't find out the truth. WHY? He says *eyes rolling* that he was afraid to lose me for good. That he knew once I found out the truth that I would leave him.

I read in a book that once the WS stop talking about the OW to you as a person/friend it usually means that the affair has gone sexual.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: blewbelle
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:06am

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. You have all the proof you need here. Of course your H is going to deny, deny, deny. He'll do it until he's finally faced with the irrefutable truth -- and even then he's STILL going to try and deny it. (In my case, the OW is the one who confessed the EA was actually a brief PA at one point too. My H still tried to deny it until I told him I was done and hiring an attorney to file for D. He completely changed his whole attitude and behavior by the end of the day and finally confessed everything. It's what they all do.)

It's time to sit down with your H and lay down the law. He should have two choices here. Either he ends ALL contact with this woman immediately and begins MC with you immediately, or he needs to leave. If he refuses to recommit to your M, confess to what he did, be open and honest, and start truly rebuilding with you, then he loses all rights to your M and to you as his W. That includes no longer being allowed to live under the same roof with you.

The fact is that his behavior with this OW went WAY over the line. They at the least are involved in an EA. Don't let him try to make you feel paranoid, guilty or try to convince you otherwise. I think that's our biggest fault when confronting the issues of an A is that we as the BS let our H (or W) explain everything away. We want to believe it because we all think this couldn't possibly happen. You don't need any more proof, and you don't even need your H to tell you the truth. The fact is that you have everything you need to know in your hands. A committed, married man DOES NOT send another woman (unless it's you or a relative) ANY type of gift on Valentine's Day, period. That in itself shows that something is going on between the two of them.

I hate to say it, but it's time to put your foot down and issue this ultimatum to your H. It will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but if you don't do it, I can guarantee you that he will continue/pick up the A with this OW and put you through this for another three months or more. It's time to knock his butt off the fence and hopefully that will knock some sense into him.

Just stay strong and don't back down. If he refuses to both end ALL contact with the OW AND attend MC, kick him out. He has to know that you are dead serious and won't put up with his games or childish behavior anymore. You are his W and are entitled to be treated as such. If he won't abide by your terms and do what's necessary to save the M, then he doesn't need to be part of your life.

I wish you the best. Hugs!
Pinkgirl

Pages