I wish I knew what was going on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
I wish I knew what was going on...
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 5:17pm

Dh moved out again in March. DD was in September at which time he immediately moved back home after a month separation. BIG mistake. Anyway I found out he was still having contact and since he doesn't know what he wants, (How many times have you all heard that one?) He moved out and made me believe it was all about us trying to work things out. Well I found out he has been having contact with her and having sex with her on occasion. He told me up front and honest. Said he cared deeply for me and felt obligated to her but had his reservations and sometimes wished he could just be by himself. I told him I thought that was a good idea. I told him it was important that he was honest with me no matter what it was. He couldn't possibly hurt me anymore than he already has. I told him I wanted to stop focusing on getting back together and just focus on being friends. Hopeful that would give us a stronger foundation to build on if reconciliation was in the cards. He agreed, told me he loved me and left. That was last Monday. Wednesday he came to see the kids and we had a great time. Played outside with them and went for a walk. He didn't leave until 8pm. Thursday he came to see the kids soccer game and when I looked in his car I noticed that the clothes he was wearing the day before were in the back seat. Also he had new socks on and was wearing other clothes that had been in his car before. I got silent and he asked, "Now what?" I told him my concern that he stayed overnight at her house. He got angry and made up some excuse. Blah, blah, blah. Stormed off and would not take any of my calls.
The next day he called me and asked me if I was okay. Like I was a mental patient or something. Then he acted like nothing happened. Said we would talk about it next week sometime.
My problem is that I told him that I needed him off the fence by July 1st. That did not mean we had to get back together then but at that time it was either me or her. By this time I would imagine that he would be leaning in a direction. I thought because we were getting along it was towards me. Now I believe that he is just biding his time. If he had any intention of getting rid of her, he would not be embedding himself deeper.

When do these men finally wake up? How long can they possible sit on the fence? I am getting a divorce July first.

Oh and he has yet to go to counseling. His deadline for that was April 7th.

Sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 9:30am

You're not an idiot for wanting a decision and believing him when he says he's working toward that. However I learned from my own experience that it's easy to mistake the statements about caring and loyalty to you and the children as what you really want them to be. That he's finding his way back and determining he prefers family life and marriage to "dating" the OW. The thing is that the conciliatory demeanor, with a lack of real action, can mean something else entirely. That your H is relieved that the fighting is over and can pursue a relationship with someone else with slightly less guilt since he's no longer in the house.

It's possible he may never come right out and tell you the truth about that relationship. Perhaps he is really torn and doesn't know what to do. One thing is for sure, you've given him every opportunity to be honest no matter what his decision and it doesn't seem he is able to come clean and just tell you he wants to pursue the other relationship.

I like the idea of deadlines for ourselves, but I think they have to be private ones or the WS views it all as "I have until such and such a date to clean up my act and really start trying". Your first deadline of April 7 for counseling has come and gone with no action on his part. That should be telling you he is making a choice, even if it's not the choice you want. I'm not surprised that his demeanor has been better, even kinder with the removal of the pressure of pretending he's completely committed to the marriage. He no longer has to pretend or be accountable for his time to you. Makes speaking to and seeing the OW that much easier for him...until you confront him about it (the clothes) then it's back to the way it was before...and he feels guilty again, only this time since he doesn't live with you, and doesn't have to return and deal with it, he can get angry and take a hike, leaving you more confused than ever.

STBX was very much the same about this until I admitted to myself it was all just self serving actions on his part. It was his way of feeling good about the separation...coming over and "pretending" for a few hours a week. Perhaps he thought he was letting me down easy...I don't know, but it didn't make it easier for me at all. In the end I had to just stop all that and stop participating in making him feel good about it all. I had to stop accommodating his time with DD and the inclusion of myself. The reality was that if we weren't together, then he didn't get to partake in the normal family activities. In many respects I wanted so badly to reconcile and start again, that I would allow the weekends to be as they had been in the past. In a way it was rewarding him and saying it was ok for him to be with someone else and there would be no ramifications from his actions. The reality is that he would never be able to say outright that he'd chosen her, he just couldn't do it. He missed deadlines and pushed my boundaries until I said enough. When I did that he was angry and frustrated and his true thoughts about his entitlement became clear.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 1:21pm
I think it's time for No Contact with your H as a matter of self-preservation and protection for you. Start putting yourself first--he has made his choices, whether or not he has overtly said so--let him be a father to the children w/o you. Let him take some responsbility for his choices. Hugs, Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 1:47pm

***When do these men finally wake up?
It varies and some never do. The real question is how much can you put up with until you realize you have control over your life.

***How long can they possible sit on the fence?
As long as you allow it.

***I am getting a divorce July first.
Are you sure you want to wait this long?? What is significant about this date?

***Oh and he has yet to go to counseling. His deadline for that was April 7th.
Sounds like he's not serious about saving the marriage.

***Sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.
No, you're not an idiot. You will realize how much power you have over your life and will stop waiting for him to make a decision. There's no set time when a person stops trying and gives up hope for their marriage. Some reach it within days, some within years. It seems like you're getting to that point.

I'm sorry you find yourself stuck waiting for him to make a decision. I hope you see that you don't have to wait for him to decide. I agree with the advice from other posters and start no contact right away. Keep your distance from him, emotionally and physically. Keep the focus on your kids and yourself bc your H is unreliable. He's on his own path.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 2:48pm
YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT!! Your trying to mend yourself which is harder then leaving so good for you!! I think every guy is different and some sit on the fence until there women knocks them on there a** and gives them a wake up call. You desearve better but, I know you also desearve the truth from him unfortunately women always need closure (even if its from an idiot!!) But I believe alot in gut feeling, it can over run your body and cant be avoided is that telling you July 1st is the day??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:12am

I denied knowing about my H's affair(s). I refused to listen to friends' and family's advice to hire a PI for the longest time...he finally moved out to be with her, but insisted he had not been with anyone else...my confirmation was the lovely little cootie I turned up with.

He asked to come back after four months...I took him back...he was still calling her every day for three weeks. He says it was to make sure she understood it was over. 4-5 times a day (they worked together, too) for 10-44 minutes? She wasn't calling him. Sound like a crock of poop?

Long and short, looks like she dumped him. I feel like second choice so he's not alone. My kids are happy, I do love him (and hate him!). Provided that I don't talk about it, or display any hurt, every thing's peaches and cream. Of course, the Wellbutrin and Xanax help a bit, but I'd much prefer lithium or a lobotomy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 9:57am

I thought your deadline was June. you said you wanted to wait until the kids were done with school. I could of sworn I read that. I am only pointing this out because you keep changing your line in the sand. He chooses to take advantage of you as long as he can because he is proving so.

Honestly I don't think you should get a divorce. Why you may ask. Because you don't want to. Don't do it because everyone else thinks you should. Get a legal seperation shut the door on being his friend until he proves that there is no more OW. He knows he still has you. Your still trying to salvage any relationship you can have with him, just to have him in your life. sigh........((((((((((hopefulinpa)))))))))))))))

There was a lady that was asked how she and her husband stayed married for so long. I believe it was 50 years. Her response was that neither one of us fell out of love at the same time.

Let your husband galavant with his whore. Seperate your life from him and try to live your life without him for awhile. I know it's easier said than done. I believe Bbalm could really be of great understanding to you. She had a love for her husband that I found myself envious of. Not because she kept putting herself out there but she always knew what she wanted. I wish I had some of that. She knew what she wanted and who. She had to come to her own decision as to what to do next. Hugs to you hopeful, I understand this process is very painful. Tea