I'm Back!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2009
I'm Back!!
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 1:16pm

Unfortunately, after having been away for a little bit, it looks as if few people will know who I am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 4:39pm

Good for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2009
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 9:17pm


Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 6:02am


That whole story just got to me. It's tough because you just hope that it's real. The fact that he told you and didn't try to hide what happened is a big step. He needs to understand that he has to tell you about every time she attempts to talk to him. He needs to be "Johnny on the spot" about it. It sounds like the OW is not through with him and the OW's spouse might not be through with your husband.

Your spouse should consider writing the man an apology letter. Even if he doesn't send it, he should write it anyway and let you read it and possibly edit it. I really wanted to hurt those OM for interfering with my family. I went to some really dark places in my head. Only a full, heartfelt apology AND knowledge that the OM's spouse was up to speed and dealing with him helped me to let the guys go. I was willing to let them go for their spouses sake.

I don't know if that makes any sense. But maybe the two of you should kick that around.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with any of this. I had a big a ha moment with my Shrink a while back when he told me that he could academically help me deal with my spouses affair but in fact, he had no real idea what I have gone through. What the hurt feelings actually feel like, the whole mix of shame, guilt, loss, abandonment, loneliness, fear and that constant knot in your guts. And more awful feelings which simply escape our ability to describe. Having to own what was beyond our ability to imagine, having to own our spouses betrayal for ourselves, a tangled mess, not of our making, yet something in which we are not entirely innocent.

Even though it was not our fault, we walk around saying to ourselves, "If only I..." And worse, we can't see the endgame. who knows how these things are going to play out in the end. It's like that moment when you lose control of your car in a skid and you don't really know if you are going to stop, or hit the car in front of you. Stretch that sinking feeling of panic and dread out for several months, if not years.


That man of yours needs to see your tears, he needs to see what this is doing to you. Don't hide that from him. It isn't until he sees, feels and owns the pain he's dished out that he will have a real chance to change.

Sending good vibes.



We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 9:49am


I'm just so happy for you that your DH seems to "get it" now.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein