I'm backsliding....is it my fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2008
I'm backsliding....is it my fault?
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 1:27pm
Hi everyone, I used to frequent these boards a couple of yrs. ago. My DH had an affair in 2007, I found out myself and confronted him. We had been married for 8 yrs., together for 14 yrs, and had a son (5) at the time. He thought maybe we should separate so he could figure out what HE wanted and a few days later I threw his stuff out on the lawn and told him he had to leave. We were separated for 7 mos...during this time I filed for divorce and he lived with the OW. There is so much to this story, as there are with most stories of affairs, but we ended up reconciling and our divorce was never finalized. We have since had a 2nd son. I always said I wasn't going to be the person who checked phone bills, and needed to look at his phone, but as of late that person has been me. Things were going excellent until last December. My H started back to school in Oct. and around Dec. I noticed he started receiving texts. (that's how I found out about the A 3 years ago ) He said they were from a girl in his class. I asked why he would give his number out given what had happened in the past and he said he gave it out to the whole class, everyone did. So we talked about it, why it bothered me, and he said he didn't realize it would but it was a mute point because our phones were prepaid and he just wouldn't answer her back. Whatever right? well texts continued to come through and when we got new contract phones I decided to check our account online one day and saw a number coming up quite a bit. I pulled out his old phone, yup same girl. He's never kept anything from me, but it really bothers me that he knows it makes me think of everything that happened all over again...he says I'm overreacting and just need to get over it because he has and it's been that way for a while. Apparently said girl is engaged, but why does that matter to me? it doesn't!! My H was married and it didn't stop him from what he did! He says all the texts are class related, allows me to read them if I so choose because he says he has nothing to hide. She's even on his facebook page, so any of those alerts go right to his phone too. So now of course any time he says he has to go to the library to print something, etc. I just cringe. It's obvious to both of us that I still don't trust him. I even checked his e-mail! (we're talking a couple of months ago) and discovered old e-mails from the girl whom he had A with and never gotten rid of! One being written after we had gotten back together saying he missed her and loved her. When does it get better? I don't like the person that I've been...I don't deserve to be that person. Am I creating a situation where there is none? I don't think it's wrong of me to expect him to take the girl out of his phone. If anyone feels like talking I could definitely use it!!! because lately I'm just ready to hit the road. I have been looking for a therapist to talk to, even though he thinks it's a waste of time because all is good in his mind but I haven't had any luck. Sorry it's lengthy!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 2:57pm

sounds like your H wants both. Have you told him that you found out that he still contacts these people? Have you asked him why?

These feelings need to get out and spoken.

Then the two of you need to sit down and talk about things.

It might help to write down what you need and want from a marriage and present it to him. Then tell him what you wont budge from. If he can live up to that then work on it. If not then you know.

Its a thought. Let us know how it goes.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 6:28pm
Don't ever apologize on this site or anywhere else... say what you feel and feel what you say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 9:34pm

Hi lynn,

I'm a 2007 d-dayer, too.... but, I never got to leave!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2010
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 11:20pm

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.

You are right to expect him to eliminate any suspisions for you and reasure you this way

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 11:28pm
I'm pretty much with ties here. It's been almost a year here for me (in a few weeks) and my H also lived with OW for 3 months, out of the house for 4 - their A was 7 months before I found out, so it's kinda comparable. Let me tell you, there is no way I would be comfortable with a friend (female) of my H unless she was coming for coffee to our house, or going out with us together. Either a friend of the marriage, or gone, but NO WAY - trust in your intuition, trust in yourself, and if it bothers you then it bothers you, period....... do not make excuses and don't let HIM make excuses, if something bothers you, he should know, and try to make things right, if the woman is not important, then she can be ditched easily, if she is then you're right - so you do have reason to be concerned! Hang in there, and get to talking and find a MC - or IC or both....