DH & I talked for a bit tonight at my request.
I agree with CF. They all down play their affair. My husband told me one week what he felt for clown girl had nearly destroyed him and then a week later said I don't remember saying that. I assured him that he did and he said that he did not remember it being all that bad. I told him that is why he did not get up off the sofa for weeks
"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop." Herb Stein
This is exactly one of the problems im having with my H, he tries to minimize what he did. He also denies that there was any sex involved, which i will not believe from him. That is his way of trying to downplay what he did, trying to lie to me about the sex. I think he is just ashamed of the OW, of stooping so low with somebody that is inferior to me. I guess all WS will try to tell you that it was less than you think it is, like a poster said, it is a defense mechanism. But it is also a concern of mine, because it seems like a way they try to justify it. It makes you feel like, they think that the affair was not that big of a deal. And that is a scary thought.
My H is on the same boat as your W, they have conflicting feelings on what they did. One minute they are so remorseful the next they see themselves as the victim that ran to an affair to cope with what was going on in the relationship. I admit, for a spouse to divert to an affair, the majority of the time it is because the marriage is suffering, but that does not justify it.
it is mind boggling, because it was not only the pregnancy claims, but also i recorded conversations when he was speaking to a friend about having sex with the OW, and still, he denies it & says he was lying to the friend! YEAH, OK!!! I feel like he will never admit the truth of what it was & that just adds insult to injury, it does not make it less painful as he thinks it might be doing. I also think that the fact that i saw the OW only reinforces his lying about the sex, because he is ashamed of her. But to this day he will try to tell me how i hurt him so bad in our past and it built up so much and that is the reason why he cheated. I admit, I was very emasculating to him & lost respect for him & showed it, but that does not make it ok to cheat. I can look back at my mistakes & own them, i do not denie them, but I never cheated & did not deserve to be cheated on. If i emasculated & disrespected him it was in part for my immaturity and in part for his actions, he did not step up to the plate after our daughter was born, i ended working with a newborn while he was out looking for jobs. it was not his fault, but i was resentful. he also walks away from almost every job he has ever had, once he feels slighted by anybody, so again that leaves me in a place where i feel resentful toward him for putting me in a situation where im working, working, working. Those were my reasons for treating him that way.
I think you're right, that's just what they think they have to do, deny in their head how bad their actions really were.
WHY can't they see that downplaying it only makes it worse?
It keeps being confusing why they cannot understand we have trouble believing they didn't get physical, and why wouldn't we be inclined to think that.