Ind counseling today, I have work to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Ind counseling today, I have work to do
7
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 6:37pm

I was feeling so very insecure this am. I had a day off work yesteray and was hit with so many demands when I got here today, I just couldn't cope well. Thankfully my office manager knows and encouraged me to schedule a session which I did.


I've written before how my mood and sense of security seems so dependent on DHs outward behavior. C thinks DH is not depressed but is paralyzed by incredible guilt and remorse and is unable to move past it, partly because I am always analyzing him. This is true. I've also been asking him daily if he still wants our marriage to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 11:15am

Julee

Those are good steps for you to take. I have done all but church b/c I know I would cry the whole time as well. I pray alone .

I am taking Zoloft and Xanax and still I feel the pain, but maybe that's b/c it's the 2nd time around for me. But I'm sure I'd be more of a mess w/out anything. you should take something. Sometimes you just need a little help.

i also cannot eat. You have to force yourself, but i just don't care. I am thin so I look just awful now, really gaunt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 3:00pm

Lizzie, I'm already taking Lexapro and I've had a couple of Xanax now. They do seem to take the edge off.


I had the opportunity to tell DD last night an abbreviated version of our troubles. I said we were having troubles getting along right now and we are in counseling. It's not going to end in divorce, we love her, we love each other, we just need a little bit of help communicating right now. I also told her that we'll be spending more time together talking privately and she is not to be concerned about that. I told her that sometimes daddy can be a bu**hole and I can be a moody b**ch and right now we're just not being very nice to each other so we've decided to work on it. That made her chuckle.


DH & I met for dinner last night. He told OW they could no longer be friends, they couldn't park beside each other and walk in together. She didn't like it and didn't understand why. He told her it has to be and it's what he wanted. I told him she doesn't have to understand it, she just has to respect it and leave him completely alone. He feels she will and he reiterated that he will stay away from her. He then said he didn't know what I wanted him to do since they do work together. What if they happen to get there at the same time, should he wait in his truck until she goes in? I said YES! I want you to avoid her like the plague! I said once or twice it would happen as a coincidence, he'd think, well my wife doesn't know, this isn't hurting anything and then it becomes a habit and we're back here again. Hopefully he got it.


Lizzie, you should go do something grand for yourself like a spa day. I got a pedicure the other day and it's amazing what a lift those bright red toes give me! Strangely I feel more confident!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 4:16pm

Julee,
It sounds like everything is moving in the right direction for you. i am so upset to learn from my H's. therapist that he has deep troubles. She doesn't know if this will be a life long struggle for him.My heart is broken- I just don't know if she can fix him, but she is glad to see his remorse and willingness to do whatever it takes.

I have a wonderful friend who gives me such emotional support. She's there for me whenever I need her. My brother and sister-in-law have been great, too.

you said the right things to your daughter. If you repair your marriage, you will be setting a fine example of how a couple pulls together in a crisis.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 6:46pm

Lizzie, I hope your husband can get through his troubles. It is good to have friends we can rely on, especially now.

I took a walk with one of my co-workers today and she came right out and asked what's wrong with me. I told her the short version, DH is involved, not sexually, with OW and we are in counseling. She was a great source of comfort to me. Evidently her DH cheated on her many years ago and she got even with him by having an A as well. She said they lived like that, carrying on with OP, for 12 years! Can you imagine? She knows exactly what I'm feeling but I don't have any inclination to have an EA of my own.

It was humorous last night, my 17 yo DDs boyfriend texted me and asked if I was ok, he's worried about me. I joked it off but he said the last few times he's seen me I haven't looked emotionally well. This kid's good!

My mantra for today is focus on what you know.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 7:58pm

Your'e so kind, Julee. I have been crying all day. i had to go for std testing today and it was an awful experience. I sobbed in the Drs. office. I just can't seem to stop the tears.

Definitely do not have an affair! that was crazy that your co worker did that!

I am thinking of divorce seriously now. i want to wait until I get a diagnosis from my H 's therapist to see the full story before I make my decision. I want to be rid of this nightmare!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 8:48am

OH (((Lizzie)))! I can certainly understand your desire to be away from it. I'm not going to give advice, only support and commiseration. The C seemed astonished the other day when I said which one of us should move out and he didn't know why either of us would if we were working on it. I see it so clearly because being with him, around him, in our house, etc. is just a knife in my stomach reminder all the time. The uncertainty is enough to do a person in.

See what the therapist says. Do you really think your DH is that unstable? Should he get a second opinion?

Please try to have a better day today and I will do the same. I'll be thinking of you with positive, healing thoughts.

Julee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 9:18am

I am much better today! We had a long talk last night and the pieces are starting to come together for both of us. This is why you shouldn't move out. You have moments when you feel calm and that's when you need to talk things thru. We had that moment last night. It was one of the most intimate conversations I've had w/him. Never lose hope.

I think my H is in good hands- his therapist is an expert in infidelity. I told him last night that he has 6 mo and then I will decide. his therapist will let me know of his progress. I said that I know I can be independent and have been so before. He has the most to lose -his children's respect and admiration.
He acknowledged this.

His therapist thinks the only way to work on a marriage is to stay in the home together.Also, it's less confusing for the kids. She also said that he should witness my pain and that would help him develop empathy and to stop suppressing his conscience .So ,we've decided to stay together for the moment(she said to tell him "for now" to keep him honest ).