It's coming - 30th wedding anniversay

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
It's coming - 30th wedding anniversay
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 12:54pm
DD was this past January. I let him back home in May. We have been seeing IC and MC to help us with rebuilding. Things are going well I suppose. It's a process, right? H is trying, but I still am kind of flat where he is concerned. I greatly appreciate his efforts, but I am not in love with him. I do like him again. I am hoping it will come in time. My problem is next month is our 30th wedding anniversary. I am wishing it would just pass without H or anyone acknowledging it. I don't want to celebrate it. I know I am supposed to focus on the man he is now, not the man he was. And I am, but the man I married is the man who hurt me worse than anyone or anything ever did. I haven't yet rehung our wedding photo and can't wear my rings. The process is ongoing and my focus is on moving forward.
I would appreciate any suggestions, comments or just a word from someone who understands. Thanks again for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 2:32pm

"It's a process" doesn't mean you should just forget

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 1:51pm


I really don't have any advise because i am still raw just like you. My dday was 3/3/10 and I'm still trying to pull myself back together. Like you my H is trying very hard to make amends and live up to his responsibilities as a H and father. Sometimes he is doing a remarkable job, others he's trying too hard and it feels forced.

Like you I have a major anniversary coming up. The big 20, as a matter of fact it's tomorrow. I don't understand how the mind works sometimes. All it wants to do is dwell on the negative. I've always had problems with resentment and this one's a real big one. I'm always questioning his motives, I'm afraid to push him away and tell him I don't believe he wants to stay because then he may leave. What I want is a man to loves me with all his heart, who is concerned about how I feel and most of all to appreciate and be considerate of me. All he wants to do is put it in the past like it never happened. Pretend it didn't happened and go on like before. I can't do that. This whole thing has changed me. I don't like the change at all. I'm looking for that magic something that will transform me into who I know I should be and this whole thing has left me numb, uncaring of the daily routine. I'm unable to find joy anywhere and it is just not me. Where did I go? Will I ever come back?

Well I guess I need to just persevere. We are going away this weekend to celebrate our 20th. Damn if I've been able to find a card!! lol Nothing fits. I wonder if Hallmark has a type of card for the BS? Right now life sucks, but I have to believe it will get better.

Anyway I share your pain, and wish you strength.


Hurts have taught me never to give up loving
Be willing to take another risk and chance, otherwise tomorrow may be empty.

Hurts have taught me never to give up loving Be willing to take another risk and chance, otherwise tomorrow may be empty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 10:20am

Struggling with the similar thing myself...need to think through it.

DDay was Oct 1st...32nd aniversery at end of Oct. October used to be my favorite time of it just replays the worst day of my life. We were at a point where he said he did not want to lose me and wanted to give her up but couldn't. I was a basket case, but hopeful that he would come to his emotional rollercoaster for both of us. He travels and was out of town on our aniversary...sent me flowers and sent me a sweet note. I found out the next week, he came back early and was with her on that day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 8:38pm

i have been married for a little over 33 years. my husband is a serial cheater, his last nonsense started back in 03, but i did not find out about it until 06. i immediately took my wedding ring off of my left hand and put it on the right. hell, it is huge my more importantly I BOUGHT IT. he, well he never wore one, always had an excuse, lies, all of the excuses were lies. truth be told wearing it would have hampered his image - AS HE WAS TROLLING FOR WOMEN POSING AS A WIDOWER.

i would recommend that you simply sit down with him and talk it out. let him know your honest feelings about the upcoming 'date'. that is what i did - i simply laid it out there, i am simply not able to celebrate a marriage that has been plagued with so many lies. i explained that i i did not have it in me to recognize our commitment to each other when the truth of the matter was HE WAS NOT COMMITTED TO ME. it was evident to me that celebrating would have brought attention to what had occurred and i simply did not want to go there - i was working on turning the mind chatter off - and knew that if i sacrificed my true feelings yet again it would not be good FOR EITHER OF US. and would probably end up hurting us both. initially he balked but then after thinking about it relented. so the days, each year have come and they have gone.

i hope this suggestion helps.

most importantly remember, you are the captain of your ship, do not be pulled into sacrificing yourself for 'a day'. this is not about him, not about the day, but it is about you. in order to heal, you must feel as if you are in control over your life.

good luck to you