Jealous Schmealous

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Jealous Schmealous
11
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 10:15pm

You know those depictions of people with an angle on one shoulder and a devil on the other?

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Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: chijd
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 1:04am

JD

I fully KNOW that the worst thing I could have ever have done to my spouse AND the other man was to just walk away from her and let him have her. It was a disaster of epic proportions. At some point the chemical of infatuation would wear off and these two were really a pair. He avoided conflict at all cost. She would have just cheated on him just like she did me and she would just walk all over him. My wife would be swinging by now and loose all the respect from her children and family. (of course her family blames me for her downfall to begin with.) And I'm sure she would have a disease by now.

Now, I think that the people that matter in her family think that I might well be the best catch ever and my spouse actually walked around the house tonight before she went to work with a big ol' smile on her face. With really kind things to say to me. Our kids are doing well in school (knock on wood) and we are both working and paying off all our bills. We are facing hard times together as a team.

No way that would have happened with the other man. She had him pegged 20 years ago when she left him for me. Somehow she forgot that behind the guy with the funny stories and zero temper was a guy who would crawl into a ball when bad things happened around him. Odd that he works at a prison??

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
In reply to: chijd
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 2:11am

Thanks for that, Thomas.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: chijd
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 7:44am

Thanks for the nuggets of thought.

Love is a terrible thing! One of the twins (ten) says she will never marry. And I think my oldest daughter is still trying to wrap her mind around what just happened. "Why does my father suddenly just start to cry?" She's probably the only one who actually knows the name of the OM.

All the kids will remember the night I had to bring them all into our bedroom to convince my spouse not to hurt herself. I had just pulled a pencil then a pair of scissors out of her hand and honestly, I had no idea what to do. The folks on this list especially the CL's walked me gently through that week. (You were there also, thank you.)

And yes, rebuilding IS harder than just walking away. But nothing worth having comes easy. Either way, she still had to fix herself, I had to fix myself.

I ride my Honda cruiser to work each morning if the weather is good, and I have to drive past his work. I consider the fact that he had to borrow his brother's Harley Davidson to take my spouse on a ride because he could not afford one himself. My spouse purchased mine this past spring as a gift for putting her through school. I finally got all my licensing stuff finished, took all the tests, and it's the coolest thing I've ever owned. And it's given me a whole new side of my personality. Walk up to someone with a bike and tell them what you like about it and watch a smile spread across a dudes face.

It just occurred to me that yesterday when I passed the OM's work. I didn't even give him a second in my head. It was really cloudy and clouds were smashing up against the mountains. The peaks are all frosted by now so there is this wonderful two tone color to them. It was soooo beautiful. I think two other cruiser's pulled in behind me as I was probably doing 80 in the carpool lane. I was totally wrapped in the grand adventure of just driving my butt to work. (cool!)

"I have different layers of grief to go through, and just when I think I've reached the core another few layers are revealed."

Oh man, that's exactly it. But I'm glad it comes in layers because it i could see the whole thing from start to finish. I would have freaked out more than I did.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.




Edited 10/20/2009 7:52 am ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
In reply to: chijd
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 10:55am

Sure, he was a mess at the time, but messed up or not

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
In reply to: chijd
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 10:12pm

Your first paragraph - I second that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
In reply to: chijd
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 2:55pm

I feel jealousy.


Not jealousy of OW, or who she is...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: chijd
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 9:46pm

Yikes, I think I maybe just had an aha moment reading your response there.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
In reply to: chijd
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 2:38am

I think the "jealousy" for me is from knowing that they had a "thing" - a secret relationship. Ways they communicated and things they did and said, maybe even inside jokes. And meanwhile, I was quite purposely excluded from this.

The part of your post that I can really relate to though it:
"she got to fulfill something for my H that I’ll never again be able to fulfill - that lure of newness and wonder, of getting to know someone and revealing himself for the first time, of wondering what would happen, where it would go... I can’t fulfill that fantasy anymore. Ever. Everyone else in the world can do that for him, but not me."

My H is really into novelty, so how terribly frustrating to know that any other women (with the few exceptions) can be novel for him by just being. Meanwhile I struggle with it to the point of tears and come out feeling more insecure than ever.

Ok, so there's my depressing rant. I guess I'm in a pretty bad mood right now. Sorry about that, but thanks for being here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: chijd
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 10:10am
I really do think you can bring back the mystery and intrigue of
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2009
In reply to: chijd
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 2:50pm

You're nowhere near out of your mind. I'm in the same boat. My W and I just started counselling. I don't know what will come of it, but I told her at one point that if we stayed together I would feel cheated because I never got to feel anything new, exciting

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