just a ramble!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
just a ramble!
22
Tue, 09-01-2009 - 5:56pm
I remember clearly words from some great woman and men on here after my H first affair two years ago. Everyone told me that I was young - 33 and lucky enough to see my H true colors before we were married (we were engaged at the time) and no kids... and to get out - b/c he would do it again. Well, here I am with a 2 month old and guess what my H cheated again. I really really wish I listened at the time - I thought counselling could "fix" him. We are trying to rebuild again - but my H is getting frustrated with me, he keeps telling me that we need to "move forward" and not "obsess" over the A. Isnt it so easy for them to say that... just move forward... as if it was that easy. Today at our MC he told the counsellor he thinks it might be easier for him to leave then to listen to me "nag" him and obsess over the A. I was heartbroken listening to him, but I refuse to beg or plead for him, I do love him, but I am not 100% convinced that he will not cheat again, even though he says he won't...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 9:51am
recentlyengaged I'm so sorry to hear that.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 1:30pm

To me, your H's attitude says that he doesn't really think what he did was wrong and he doesn't take responsibility for his actions or feel truly sorry about what he did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 2:10pm
Lily, you were one of those people back from my H first A that stand out in mind as giving me some great advice, and support.. if only I wasnt so stubborn I probably wouldnt be back here. We go for MC and he has gone for two IC. Truthfully, by him saying that he is tired of listening to me says something to me as well, I mean he should be doing everything and anything to "win" me back. I know I am also not making it easy - there are just so many triggers and it is still very new. I did make a comment to him a couple of weeks ago that I might not ever "get over it" or "trust him" and I think he feels that if he is always going to live in the shadow of his two A then he would rather leave. I feel like he has already left, he is physically here, but for some reason it feels like he has the power and I am just waiting for him to drop the bomb. I am going to prepare myself and start making some financial decisions (ie. take some cash every so often out.. etc). I am on maternity leave until Aug 2010. I just hate that he is the one that cheated and I am the one feeling nervous about this relationship ending.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 4:45pm

I hope you can see he is not thinking of anyone but himself still

This is really hard, I know, It is really hard with a new child - you would think he could understand how loving and giving and the precious life experiences that he is messing up right now

He is treating you as expendable - he needs to be snapped out of it
how you feel is natural, would he be able to get over it and trust you had you done this to him? No
He is unreasonable and in a fog thinking about himself
He needs to grow up, right now your values are not the same
Do not let him bring you down, be proud of yourself for being a good loving wife and mother
His history is not your favor though there is a small chance he will grow and change if he can own up to the hell he has put you through

Right now he is not above suspicion of betrayal - he could be doing things behind your back still just wanting to sweep your emotions under the rug
You will most likely need to distance yourself and be ready to demand respect, if he cannot wake up you will need to let him know that it is not in your best interest to be with him any longer
If he goes on without you - you are not losing too much
He might at that point understand more that you are not there to be abused - you are there to be loved and respected
It is tuff love so to speak - the only way to get through may be to put your foot down
Do not put up with it and leave all the decisions up to him
empower yourself by seeing a lawyer
make plans to move on, you do not deserve this
peace & strength to you
my husband came around slowly we have a 2 year old son - he now sees and feels for us not just himself
I had to be ready to move on at least of couple of times to get a reaction in my favor (of course you never know what the reaction will be so you have to be ready to take care of yourself - he is not taking care of you and someone has to)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 6:15pm
thanks you goddess, i have met with a lawyer- cost me a lot of $$ but I did find out my rights etc. etc.. I just don`t now how to act anymore. Do I act cold, cordial, it is all just so confusing. I just dont understand why he is the one that cheated and I am the one needing him. How do I demand respect
My H will always be selfish. My H is a police officer and the MC asked how if he thought it was ironic that he picked a profession where he was upholding morals and values and yet performed the complete opposite in his relationship!! (it was a great moment) - but ofcourse he didnt have much to say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 7:09pm

FYI - this is a copied post about the 180'

For those who have not seen this.. It really does help you gain back a bit more control over yourself and empowerment.

Here is the list of the "180" items that is frequently mentioned in this and other forums. It is NOT a guideline to getting your spouse back or waking him/her up from Affair Fantasyland. Rather, it's a way to gain your own control and stop make the BS and his/her A the center of your life. Not every point will pertain to every situation. Lily
Fence Sitters PDF Print E-mail
fence sitting

Fence sitting, cake eating, call it what you will, it can often cause the betrayed spouse more pain than the revelation of the affair itself.

So, what can you do to knock him off that damn fence? Another option is "doing a 180". This approach was put together by Michelle Weiner-Davis in her Divorce Busting books. Essentially it is a combination of both Plan A and Plan B.

Weiner-Davis puts together a list of do's and donts for those dealing with a fog filled spouse which include;

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

The logic of this approach lies in the all too often fact that the wayward spouse feels the betrayed spouse are a "given" in their lives and that they (the wayward spouse) are the arbiter of whether the marriage survives (after all, it is all about them). By pulling back, by getting on with your own life and disengaging from the wayward spouse, you tempt them to follow you and away from the Other Person. Kind of like twitching a piece of string in front of a kitten and getting them to follow it across the room. The benefit for the betrayed spouse, even if the marriage does not survive is that both Plan B and the 180 help rebuild self esteem and self reliance which will stand you in good stead regardless.

References:

Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis

His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and Jennifer Chalmers

Read more: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rladultery&msg=47524.1&x=y#ixzz0Pzf6hgQU

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Sat, 09-05-2009 - 5:25pm
Im an old timer.....a very old timer,been divorced for 7 years.I wasted 2 years of my life trying to reconcile and rebuild with someone who wasnt really worth the trouble,time or the expense.....counseling isnt cheap.I dont know what type of work you do or if you work at all but you should consider getting some vocational training to increase your earning potential, take out a loan for it.Im guessing by now that you see what a waste of time it is to try and find happiness with a player. You should be giving some thought to divorce right about now or asking yourself how many more times you are willing to go through betrayal,grief and anger that come with a wondering spouse and his affairs. You would be better off if you got rid of him and got on with your life....you deserve better. Gary A.K.A. Wuzzy

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 7:17pm
well said. I agree totally. I dont know why I am wasting my time, especially with a serial cheater. Yesterday he told me that he doesnt think he can stay with me cause he thinks that I will always second guess where he is or what he is doing. (DUH?- you did cheat)... He wouldnt give me a straight answer. We have a beautiful 2 month old baby boy, I asked how about his vows, his commitment to me and our baby, I guess he doesnt care. Well I asked him if he didnt know right then that he wanted to be with us then thats his answer. I took my things and asked him to leave, he left.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 4:02pm
I know what you have to deal with right now and how painfull it is....but you will get through this

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 8:58pm

I appreciate your words, I really do.. I just cant see past today. Financially I dont need him, I know he is trash, I know that I am attractive, 33, financially indepednet, but for some reason I want him back. Isnt it ironic how the tables have turned, He cheated on me, and I want him back and he is unsure if he wants this.
I bathed my son tonight, (he is 2 months old) and it was the most fun, he was cooing and smiling, and all I thought to myself was what kind of man can give this up. The sad part is that it is all he knows, his father cheated on his mother 2x and left when he was 1 year old. Know my H is repeating the exact same thing.


He just texted me asking if I was going to meet him at our standing counselling appt tomorrow.

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