Just so tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Just so tired
8
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 5:02pm

My H and I have been up and down since his A. Good, bad and indifferent. But really I am tired of him trying to blame our current state on me. But what really took the cake was an episode that happened last week...


It always seems that whatever he is doing is more important than what I am doing and as usual we were arguing about something that needed IMMEDIATE ATTENTION. I thought I was going to be able to take care of it but because of traffic and work restraints I couldn't accomplish the task. He, Having the day off, was furious that I would infringe on his time. To which I just replied that I couldn't talk about it anymore and said goodbye. A friend was in the car and we started talking about how he was acting ridiculously and how I was basically dealing with a child. Then I went on to say that I had talked to another of my friends recently( who is an ex from like 20 years ago and is a good friend, who my H suddenly wanted me to stop talking to) and someone had threatened him that if he and I had anymore contact there would be problems for me.


Well....come to find out...my phone didn't hang up and he was listening to the entire conversation. And all he could say was that he couldn't believe that I had talked to my ex and how could he trust me? Trust me? Are you kidding? I'm not the one that was having an A. I'm not the one that lied about it for 7 years, refused to go to counselling for 2 years and so on!


I'm just tired of fighting this never ending battle of emotional war. Who said what, who did what, and all of the other lines we walk when this is happening to us. I forgive him for what he did but he doesn't seem to understand that along with all of his actions come consequences. He thinks that to forgive is to forget and simply move on. I think on the other hand that forgiveness may be a peace that you gain to cope with what has happened but emotionally it a long long road to recover all the things that you have lost.


Does anyone have any insight....anything at all.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: ellarella
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 6:00pm

OF COURSE he thinks to forgive is to forget...it allows him to not face the guilt of what he's done, to not fix the problems that allowed this to happen in the first place, perhaps even to leave him without the oversight and expectations necessary to prevent a repeat.


You forgive for yourself as much as for the other person.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
In reply to: ellarella
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 8:04pm

All I can do is say "ditto" to Thinkingman's response to you, but I wanted to let you know there is at least one more person out here reading your words and caring about your plight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: ellarella
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 8:21pm
I wanted you to know that I feel exactly the same way you do. It is exhausting the emotional war that you are in.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: ellarella
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 11:37pm

Holy sheesh! This sounds sooo familiar. My spouse blamed me for the affair. I'm the awful one who drove her to this. Ugh!!!! It wasn't her fault!

The fact is that she just couldn't bring herself to accept what she did. So she had to blame someone, I'm just handy. And she wanted to punish me.

Sweetie. Maybe it's time for some tough love. Consider telling him that if he won't do therapy, he has to move out. Then back it with the real thing. I'll be honest. It took me getting kicked in the teeth for me to understand what I was doing wrong in our marriage. that's just the fact.

Good luck.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: ellarella
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 12:55am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
In reply to: ellarella
Sun, 09-20-2009 - 6:30pm

My husband waited 2 years to decide that he wanted this marriage. It was shortly before that, that I decided that I didn't want it anymore. I am a Christian but sometimes I don't think that God expects us to be a doormat either. I do not love my H. I am here because I am trapped here. Rebuilding is not really an option anymore.


I didn't hang up on my husband and call my friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: ellarella
Mon, 09-21-2009 - 12:49pm

"Love is a choice he chose not to make. Not me. And now the consequences of that are that he no longer gets to choose."


Wow.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2009
In reply to: ellarella
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 8:35pm
I haven't read the message boards in months but for the past couple of weeks I feel exactly like you,TIRED, My husband had been having an affair for a year with the OW,when I found out all the details of things I kicked him out,he begged me for two months to take him back and he said and did all the things I'd want to hear so like a fool