Just a vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
Just a vent
7
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 7:19am

no matter which road you decide to take -- rebuild your

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2009
In reply to: faith0910
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 11:53am
So true faith0910, so true.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: faith0910
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 5:00pm

Yeah, it occurred to me after D Day that I had some serious issues to address about myself regardless of staying with my spouse or not. It would not be fair to anyone to continue my own personal bad behavior. (watching too much TV, not helping around the house, my temper, communication failures, weight issues, bla bla bla) So do I do this work of repairing myself and offer it to my spouse or someone else.

I felt an obligation to at least offer this new me to my spouse. Apparently it shocked the daylights out of her right off the bat. She didn't expect me to "show up" at all. And just as I chose her, this new me helped her choose between me and the OM. Suddenly, I find myself looking in the mirror and I'm shocked that I'm sort of proud of who I've become since D day. Not close to being perfect, but much better. If she decides to stick around, great! If not, Humm, I will be ok.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
In reply to: faith0910
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 9:19pm

So many 'other' things have happened within my family the last few months - toppled with the EA - that I feel like we're dealing with too much, too fast and with too many emotions.


I think we'll get there eventually ... I hope you and yours do too.


I fully, 100%, admit to myself and to my dh that I played a role in our marriage reaching a troubled place ... the EA was soley on him.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: faith0910
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 2:13am

"I feel like we're dealing with too much, too fast and with too many emotions."

Yeah, I remember that. One thing that would happen was I would ask a question and she would give me an asnswer. The problem was that there was a lot of information in her answer and I could not process all of it. Only one or two segments of it. So later, I would ask the same question and she would say, "I told you all this." She would say it again and I would only be able to process one or two more segments. Then I would ask again. It drove her crazy. But that's all I was able to handle. And every time she told me I would understand a little more.

Ugh!

Our D Day was the day before my second biggest trade show of the year and a week before my second largest trade show. I had just come back from scout camp and her Family (as in 40 people) were to arrive at our house in like ten days. It could not be worse timing. I'm sure the family thought I was crazy. I would stop conversations mid-sentance and walk off so I could hide and cry. I'm sure that half of my stories or conversations came across as manic. I finally convinced my spouse to have her mother watch the kids for a night so we could get a hotel and just talk. At the last moment she cratered it so her sister could get some help. I just lost it in front of the whole family. I started yelling about needing help NOW, not next week bla bla bla. Nobody knew what to think of Psyco Thomas. Her other sister stepped in and took our kids till the next morning. It was huge, DW made big steps to tell me most of what happened and decided then that she was going to give us a go.

Woof! I think I actually got some real sleep that night. (4 hours.)

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.




Edited 6/18/2009 2:14 am ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
In reply to: faith0910
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 8:21am

exactly -- while I am not comfy enough yet saying what was going on (the www is big but not sure it's big enough for me and privacy issues) I can say that your

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: faith0910
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 9:37am

FAITH

I found that we also took steps forward and steps back. But I tended to look at things in two week segments. (Probably because the trickle truth seemed came out in two week segments.) After all the back and forward, every two weeks we were better than two weeks earlier. Expand that out over ten months and we have made a great deal of progress.

Trust me, we have miles and miles to go. I have issues I'm still addressing. I'm still barking at the kids over messing up the house instead of just pitching in ... that sort of thing. At some point I will have to walk away from these boards. As the old saying goes. "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean." Yeah, with five kids. There is always something to clean ... or cook ... or repair. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to let go of my sanity life line just yet. It's an issue of balance. I'm getting there. One of the problems in our marriage was that I had my head down and was working all the time or playing all the time. I wasn't talking, I wasn't figuring things out. I might not be repairing the dishwasher right now for the 1,000 time. But I'm making sense of what is going on in my spouses brain and that my experience isn't unique.

I'm sorry you worry about telling your story. You should write it down anyway and give it to your shrink at least. I would write to this list my weekly update, copy it and give it to my shrink each week. It let me finally give words to my experience which helped me sort it out, it also gave my shrink a guide post as to where I was and where I was headed. And I wouldn't forget stuff to tell him if I wrote it down. Like you said, It's really complex stuff and you have to pick apart every little strand to finally make sense of it.

Let's all hope that this awful experience is a spring board to becoming better people and not just misery for misery's sake.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
In reply to: faith0910
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 10:43am

Oh I write it down -- I am keeping a journal.