Keeping tabs on spouse while rebuilding?

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Keeping tabs on spouse while rebuilding?
11
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 11:32pm

After D Day, I became obsesses with one thing. "Where is she?" I knew within half an hour where she was at any given moment. When she had to go to school and two of the dudes were still in that class. I had to be on the phone with her just before and just after. if she didn't answer her phone I would panic. I told her mother about the affair because the main other man lived in her town and I would not have her babysitting for another affair. DW went to her sisters home for a night and I called her sister to make sure she was there all night.

DW didn't really complain, in fact she became very gracious about it. When I had to go out of town for three days, she had her mother come up and stay with her without me having to ask. Maybe I'm being controlling, maybe she doesn't trust herself and uses this as a crutch to be faithful. I don't know. But me knowing where she is has not been a point of contention since D Day.

This is a landmark weekend. I have to go to Kansas City tomorrow. She's home with the kids till Sunday. She promises to text me. She is thinking of taking the kids to one of the national parks on Saturday and use her folks home as a jump off place. Her folks are in Mexico. I'm surprisingly not freaking out yet. On my last trip i didn't freak out until I got to the hotel. Hotels freak me out a bit.

I found out that I was out drinking when DW and the OM were at the hotel and I hadn't touched a drop after D day until I got to that hotel and freaked out after the trade show and went across the street and had a couple five beers. (but not a drop again since) I have a booknerd buddy staying with me at this show. I'm hoping that will help.

My next show is really going to be hard. It's the show I was at when she began her affair. She's coming with me this year. And from now freaking on! Ugh!

I know, I'm coming across as psyco. But my sales trips are really upsetting to me and I'm off in the morning. I think I'm going to be ok. Or I just might lose it.

woof!

Thomas

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 2:18am

You are NOT coming across as "psycho."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 3:11am
I was about to write "you're not coming off as psycho" until I noticed that response was already there.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 4:44am
Hang in there, it's going to be OK.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 8:27am

Thomas, I think that you are at the point where you can talk to your wife about this.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 5:33pm

Got back from Kansas City about an hour ago. Got the kids to the neighborhood church. Sat through a sermon on marriage, grumbled under my breath through half of it.

I got a sermon on working out a marriage...

then I snuck home to write to you all. I was able to read but not respond to this thread. Looked it up at the hotel lobby. Odd place for me to read this board so I didn't take a lot of time.

Thank you all so much for the support! DW was really open to letting me just call each time I got a break. D Day was set up day for my largest trade show and the first day of the show DW let me call her any time I started to panic. Which was on the hour, every hour. Our mantra that she would say to me each time was, "I love you and we are going to work this out!" It was what got me through the morning. My co worker showed up to give me a lunch break and saw what condition I was in and sent me home. I missed all that show and the second show the next week. They should have fired me. They were a very big deal. But my co-workers just showed up. Didn't ask any questions and did the work for me. The boss was just worried I was going to do something stupid. They worried about me, not the stuff. I was very moved.

After reading your posts. I suppose I should have shared one tidbit. But before I do this I want to say thank you, because you have no Idea how much your support made me feel.

Saturday was the OM's birthday. DW wanted to text him. But she talked to me first. I expressed that we both needed to leave him alone. I needed to stop calling him. She needed to stop thinking and worrying about him. We need to be done. I'm very proud of my spouse because she filled Saturday with the children and an occasional phone call to and from me. At some point after reading the support posts it occurred to me that I wasn't obsessing. I had a sense of peace that stayed with me, that this was going to be alright. I've said this before, but sometimes a person going through all this has to keep saying it until it is really true. But it really IS just me and her now. The fact that she had a foolish Idea and immediately told me about it, speaks very loudly that she wants to build with me.

I stopped by the hospital on my way home from the airport and just said hello to DW. As I pulled off my sunglasses, there were big smiles on both of our faces. Genuine love and excitement to see each other. She took me in and introduced me to the first three nurses that were standing there. But it was clearly busy. I excused myself and whispered in her ear that I'm looking forward to holding her in my arms tonight and gave her a kiss on the side of her head. I replaced my shades and pealed an orange rubber scrunchi out of my pocket and pulled my hair into a pony as I walked out of shock trauma ICU. Were going to do this, me and her.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 10:03am

I am happy for you and Mrs. Pater.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 12:40am

It really sounds like she's trying to be transparent. She'll have the kids with her.


It's no crime to be a

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 10:23am

"why is she going to be texting you and not calling? "


The trade shows that I attend are usually combined with a conference. I usually attend the sessions

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 10:37am

I think trying to keep tabs on them is very normal. You have to be able to verify that what they are saying is true. The need to do this lessens over time. It was wearing me out at the beginning of rebuilding. The constant worry is not healthy.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 2:07pm

J

“you put an orange rubber scrunchie in your hair and have probably done it before and will do it again! For goodness sake, go get something black and NOT a scrunchie to pull your hair back!).”

Humm Look at the following scrunchi products. I have a stack of the orange. he he:

http://www.scunci.com/images/products/productimages/18_l.jpg

:)

---

5diamondwife:

“I told him that it felt to me like a lie of omission, his favorite kind of lie. I told him that he feels that he gets to pick and choose the information that he shares with me. That hurts. I hate lies of omission. That is what I am most mad about.”

Yeah, When I spoke to one of the OM he told me he was sorry. I asked him what he was sorry for? He said “kissing your wife.” Five months later, DW told me he groped her breasts and made out with her for like 20 min. Yeah, I jumped all over him in an email about not coming clean about what he was up to with my spouse. It is one thing to come clean, and to say you are coming clean about what all happened. It’s another to only come clean about something which you know they already know and leave out the worst of your behaviors.

----

I just posted yesterday's events on the “Life after Betrayal” boards. I’m not expecting any comments. I’m not sure what this means for me right now. It might be a while before I’m back on the boards. My best to all.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhealingaft/messages/?msg=5588

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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