Leap of Faith
Find a Conversation
|Fri, 04-21-2006 - 2:53pm|
First, thanks for reading this if you make it through. It helps to write down what's going on and any advice would be appreciated.
I've been on this board irregularly for 5 years. I've been dealing with my husband's infidelity during that time and suffered an even bigger blow 6 months ago. I finally know the whole truth behind my husband's actions yet I'm still here willing to rebuild with the man I love.
My husband has changed. He has become a better, respectable man whom I care for so deeply. He is a wonderful father to our two children, ages 6 and 1. He has rid his life of the need for sex for comfort/acceptance. He no longer participates in online porn sites or escort services. He has thrown himself into other healthier hobbies and become an active member of our family.
So here's the issue. I can't help but having triggers that get me thinking about the past and makes me try to figure out what was going through his mind at times when I thought things were okay. I find myself questioning the events in our past that were so happy for me, wondering if it was different for him. For example, I started looking at scrapbooks of special times when I didn't know what was going on and he did. It makes me sad and hurt knowing he had this "other" life and makes me wonder if he was truly happy.
In addition, I'm having a very hard tme with my self image as a result of the newest info in the past 6 months. See, my husband has been with a drop dead gorgeous hard bodied woman thinking sex would be awesome with such a person. Even though he tells me how wrong he was and what a victim of society he is, it hurts me to think I wasn't enough. That he thought there was better.
There are times when I have visions of my husband going to her at the hotel, touching her, kissing her, etc. Then there are times I start to think of the emotional/physical affair he had with a woman at his work 5 years ago and what they did together on their lunch breaks in the car. When I feel his wonderful hands touching my body, sometimes I think about how they were touching someone else's and it hurts.
I tell my husband when I'm having weak moments because I have to. It won't do me any good to keep it bottled up. By telling him, I'm hoping for reassurance. Comments such as how beautiful I am, how my "average" body is perfect for him, how much he loves to touch me, how much he loves me, that he never wants another woman, etc. But instead, it makes him so upset and angry at himself. It reminds him of what a "monster" he was and he wonders what he did wrong to make me think this way again.
I'm afraid that if I keep bringing up my insecurities, he won't be able to handle being reminded of the past. He's already wondering if we'll have to go through this ritual every few months and whether it's not going to work out. How much can we take of this before we walk? I think there's a point when I'm supposed to let go and not keep drudging up the past. We have to move forward and I need to let go. He wants my forgiveness so bad but I'm not ready to let go yet. I have to face this leap of faith if I want to rebuild a future with this man. I have to believe in my heart that we'll never end up in the same position again and that he is a different man. Thanks for listening.