Leap of Faith

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2005
Leap of Faith
3
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 2:53pm

First, thanks for reading this if you make it through. It helps to write down what's going on and any advice would be appreciated.

I've been on this board irregularly for 5 years. I've been dealing with my husband's infidelity during that time and suffered an even bigger blow 6 months ago. I finally know the whole truth behind my husband's actions yet I'm still here willing to rebuild with the man I love.

My husband has changed. He has become a better, respectable man whom I care for so deeply. He is a wonderful father to our two children, ages 6 and 1. He has rid his life of the need for sex for comfort/acceptance. He no longer participates in online porn sites or escort services. He has thrown himself into other healthier hobbies and become an active member of our family.

So here's the issue. I can't help but having triggers that get me thinking about the past and makes me try to figure out what was going through his mind at times when I thought things were okay. I find myself questioning the events in our past that were so happy for me, wondering if it was different for him. For example, I started looking at scrapbooks of special times when I didn't know what was going on and he did. It makes me sad and hurt knowing he had this "other" life and makes me wonder if he was truly happy.

In addition, I'm having a very hard tme with my self image as a result of the newest info in the past 6 months. See, my husband has been with a drop dead gorgeous hard bodied woman thinking sex would be awesome with such a person. Even though he tells me how wrong he was and what a victim of society he is, it hurts me to think I wasn't enough. That he thought there was better.

There are times when I have visions of my husband going to her at the hotel, touching her, kissing her, etc. Then there are times I start to think of the emotional/physical affair he had with a woman at his work 5 years ago and what they did together on their lunch breaks in the car. When I feel his wonderful hands touching my body, sometimes I think about how they were touching someone else's and it hurts.

I tell my husband when I'm having weak moments because I have to. It won't do me any good to keep it bottled up. By telling him, I'm hoping for reassurance. Comments such as how beautiful I am, how my "average" body is perfect for him, how much he loves to touch me, how much he loves me, that he never wants another woman, etc. But instead, it makes him so upset and angry at himself. It reminds him of what a "monster" he was and he wonders what he did wrong to make me think this way again.

I'm afraid that if I keep bringing up my insecurities, he won't be able to handle being reminded of the past. He's already wondering if we'll have to go through this ritual every few months and whether it's not going to work out. How much can we take of this before we walk? I think there's a point when I'm supposed to let go and not keep drudging up the past. We have to move forward and I need to let go. He wants my forgiveness so bad but I'm not ready to let go yet. I have to face this leap of faith if I want to rebuild a future with this man. I have to believe in my heart that we'll never end up in the same position again and that he is a different man. Thanks for listening.

Kathy

Kathy
Connor 9/8/99
Emma 3/17/05
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: kathyph2005
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 4:40am

Hi,

I know how hard it is to forget! It seems to me though your H is remorseful and doing alot to make things work, but for you it's not enough (and rightfully so). Have you been in counseling? I would highly suggest it. He has to know that you need those reasurrance's when you are feeling vulnerable. Have you let him know that? That you're not trying to make him feel worse when you feel down, just that you need him to tell YOU how important, beautiful, etc. that you are. Sometimes we have to s p e l l it out for them, they don't get it! Be as open as you can and don't get down on yourself, it seems he wants to make it with you. I still would recommend MC or IC even though he may feel everythings alright. Be strong!

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2005
In reply to: kathyph2005
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 12:16pm

Thanks Lisa for commenting. Yes, we are in counseling and going every other week. We go not knowing what it is we'll be talking about and the counselor is very laid back letting us lead the conversation. It is sometimes frustrating that he doesn't intervene or facilitate as much as we'd like. You're right on with your assessment of my situation. I am trying to explain my intentions to my husband but as soon as I bring up his past, he feels horrible about himself and wonders why I'm thinking about it concerned that he did something wrong currently to make me angry. I keep telling him that I'm looking for reassurance not punishment. I'll be sure to bring this up the next time we go to counseling. I'm doing a lot of soul searching these days as I feel I've lost my identity through this whole ordeal. I just hope we can recover together and become the family we both want so badly.

Kathy

Kathy
Connor 9/8/99
Emma 3/17/05
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y59/deenasuprema/mmblinky_final.gif src="http://www.scottphillips.org/Images/kathy/mmblinky1.gif">
Avatar for rob2sj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: kathyph2005
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 1:12pm

Kathy,
I too am into rebuilding my marriage. Like you I am so insecure, our counselor said when that happens of I am with my H, he should try to get me to focus on us. If I am alone I should think of happier times, which is difficult, but he did say it is normal to be insecure.

Our counselor also is laid back,and he is helping with other issues as well. My husband started a new job to get away from the OW and he will ask things like how do you feel about your new job, because that is stressful too.

We are also in the process of moving, a new start, we are downsizing. We have to move in with relatives for 6 weeks and have been separated since Dec., so we are going to be living together for the first time in a while. I kicked him out and then with the move coming so soon it didnt pay for him to move back home for 2 weeks. My husband even said we are going to need the counseling more especially living with relatives for 6 weeks. This is a man who didnt believe in counseling when the whole thing started.

It is normal to be insecure, and from what I have heard from another couple, where the wife strayed, and this was years ago, the husband says every once in a while he will see a movie or hear a song and it will start all over again the insecurities. ( This is a friend of my H) He also said his marriage is better than it was before the A. he said the counseling took a long time they went for almost 2 years.

Hope I helped a little.
Robin