Lingering Resentment

Avatar for cirrus1993
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Lingering Resentment
4
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 12:15am

I endured 2+ years of H-E double hockey sticks, and we are still together; the A finally ended- (and I cant believe how long it lingered with all the promises of an end and then drifting back repeatedly).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 3:54pm

I really don't know how you wonderful women take your H straddling the fence after the first D-Day. On D-Day two years ago I made my H call the skank with me on the telephone and tell her that he would never see her again. I also made him move us far away and told him that he must meet every condition I had to prove that he wanted to be in our M without a third party involved. I was very tough on my H. We have been M a long time and I thought we had a really great M. My H thankfully dropped her like a hot potato and as far as I know he hasn’t heard from her again. I think one thing we betrayed spouses have to realize is we have to stand firm with these cheaters and even if it means losing our spouses we must not allow them to continue to trick us. My H got himself into counseling and we went to MC. My H really did the hard work to figure out why his screws and boundaries were loose and he has worked hard on correcting his behavior. You have had too many deceptions. One is enough but to constantly trust someone over and over only to have them betray you again and again is just too cruel. Your H has to go to counseling and you too have to get into MC and figure out how to stop this cycle of betrayal. I went through that for about 18 months. Don’t be hard on yourself you have been through a lot. The trauma of infidelity is compared to PTSD so you are not alone. The dreams, anxiety, hyperventilating and all the other crazy stuff is normal because they extent of betrayal by the person you love the most has done something terrible to you.


The most important thing is that your H understands that you do not want to share him and that he is 100% committed to changing and being open and honest. The only thing you can do is take good care of yourself and be prepared if he is lying again.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 9:08pm
Hi, u know I have been through much the same as you. It's to the point where I don't think I will ever stop resenting him for all the lies over and over. I agree with poster #2 that we should have been much tougher from dday#1. I wish I could offer words of help but I'm just chiming in as one BS who is in the same boat with u at this very moment. I am going to change my board settings so u can email me if u like. I remember your story well and hope we can help each other.
Avatar for cirrus1993
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 2:25am

Yes, I have added beating myself up for not being harder or making different decisions of how to handle different situations of the past as a new activity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 1:18am

Hi, I tried to email you at the address you sent but it came back. Will you please double check it?


Thanks, have a great week!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 12:44pm

"I was very tough on my H. ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 9:25pm

whenever I feel like this, I read this passage

Today I will take it easy.

I will accept that I've made mistakes in the past. I will also accept that I did the best I could.

Maybe I wish I had made different decisions or handled things differently. But wishes don't change the past. I can only begin making changes today. I will accept myself, knowing that I did my best. I did what I thought I had to do.

I am and have always been worthy of being loved the way I want to be loved.

hang in there....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 2:38pm

You're being too hard on yourself.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 9:43pm

it is the little things that linger - i remember, i had purchased some shower softner from bed, bath, and beyond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2009
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 5:24am
wow what you said really resonates...you are absolutely right. Whatever it takes to rid you of that feeling and staying on top of it is the way. Not ignoring it and pretending it never happened or will happen again. I found out not too long ago and resentment is in full force right now simply because I have not requested any conditions..It never occurred to me...thanks for sharing..I have made a finer distinction from your words. If he loves me like he says and never plans on doing it again, and wants to make out marriage work then I must have conditions. Conditions that will help me through this..if I can.
According to him it only happened once..a long time ago..I am curious has MC helped at all? How do you know? How does MC help?