A Long, Long Time Ago...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
A Long, Long Time Ago...
21
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 3:18pm

...My wife announced to me that she had had an affair with her old boyfriend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 5:38pm

Amazing how these things can fester for years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 6:17pm
Drifting, I'm so sorry this just sat for so long and left you in this position.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 11:30pm

Fight!

My spouse held a flame for her high school boyfriend. At her 20 year reunion she went home with him and slept with him. They had a seven week affair until she finally asked me to leave. I began to figure things out and she finally confessed to the affair.

I fought for her. He didn't. More importantly, I discovered that I was not being a very good father or husband. Along with fighting to keep her, I began to work on my shortcomings. I tossed the TV, stopped drinking, got busy with house work, went to personal therapy--all the while coming completely apart at the seems.

Posting and listening here was a big deal.

Try and digest a few ideas.

The three Cs:

You CANT control her.

You didn't CAUSE her to cheat.

You CANT cure her of cheating.

All you can do is fix you. Eat right, work out, fix your stuff. Often we have to set a bottom-line. For me it was, NO Contact with the other men. I had to add, NO FLIRTING, NONE, ZERO, NADDA!! Other wise YOUR GONE! YOU MOVE OUT!

She had a bottom line for me also. No TV, Do laundry, dishes. SAY NICE THINGS about the kids. The one I struggle with is "HAVE FUN." She struggles with my request to give me verbal and non verbal assurances that we are an exclusive couple working toward each other.

Your bottom lines will be what you set, but you have to set them and talk about them and keep talking about them.

"Actions lead to trust, trust leads to affection."

Look after yourself. Keep posting.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 9:09am

So it was 12 years ago

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 11:16am

I know this is painful for you. Believe me, it has been 1 year and 3 months since finding out that my DH had an A. We are rebuilding and it has been going really well. If you are going to remain M to your W you either have to rebuild your M or let her go. It's not fair to either of you to stay in misery for the rest of your life. My DH and I are living proof that you can make a wonderful M out of something as painful as an A. Has your W made her life an open book to you? Have the two of you really done some soul searching to determine why the A happened in the first place. You also have to find out why YOU are choosing to hold on to the disappointment, anger and hurt for so many years. Ask yourself what are you getting out of holding on to the A if your W has let the OM and the A go. I found with myself that I was holding on to anger for a while after my DH had the A because I felt a need to punish him for what he did. What I was doing was making myself and him miserable. When I discovered why I felt the need to hold on to the past I was able to let it go. It took me doing examination within myself to realize why I constantly looked at what my DH did and not the man and H he is now. If you are still depressed I strongly suggest finding a good T and finding the root of your anxiety/depression. The trauma of an A can bring out major insecurities and mental illnesses but the root cause is usually deeper than the A itself. You can choose to happy with YOURSELF with or without your W. Don't hold her or yourself hostage to misery.


Your W has already proven that she handles conflict by deception (as my DH did), therefore she also needs to work on her coping skills and find out why SHE chose to deceive you and betray you and learn how to fix her coping skills and herself. You are never a prisoner in a M, you can make choices about whether you stay M. You might as make the best out of the M if you are going to stay. My DH and I

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 3:47pm

Thank you for all of the thoughtful feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 4:25pm

I am so sorry to hear you in such pain. I know we all stay or leave for our own personal reasons and no one other then us knows when the right time to do either truly is. What I would suggest is you looking into couseling to deal with your depression. If you think there maybe hope maybe even Marriage counseling. But most important take care of yourself and the kids. They are really what is most important. Please keep posting we are here anytime you need us.


Hugs Gal

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
Mon, 09-21-2009 - 8:51pm

Gal:


If only I could see her really giving herself to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 09-23-2009 - 1:01am

drifting:

i have been married for many years/

i know some of the feelings you speak of so bare with me now. i do not mean to offend but i do tend to tell it as i see it.

i am consumed with what my h did with the other woman. i can not wrap my mind around the fact that he shared what was ours - our special, sacred physical connection with another. HOW COULD HE? this was ours? what did that say about his love for me? what did that say about how he felt about me - i mean how did he really feel about me if he was willing to tell another woman "you are the only woman i want to - and - "

what has made matters worse is that he does not get it. i am suppose to forgive him because he said 'i am sorry'. we are suppose to move on because he says it is over. i am not suppose to think about it because he said it would never happen again - but can i believe him?

i was consumed with it - i realized that. yet, finally i have begun to be honest with myself. it is all about my ego, 'what did it say about me, that he could do to her what he did'. 'was i that bad'. 'did i not thrill him any longer'. did he ever really love me or want me as i wanted him. you know that kind of feeling that you feel down to the bone.

the fact that it totally consumed me - what did that do to our children. at the time the baby was 16, all of the others were grown and gone. i saw how my pain affected her. all of the sadness, crying, moodiness, anger, frustration, cutting myself off. i failed her by staying and living a life i did not want to live. i stayed, but why? was it because i was afraid of the unknown? was i afraid that he would go on and find someone new that he would be happy and faithful with? was it my ego - i could not deal with him being with someone else MY HUSBAND DOING THAT WITH HER.

my advice drifting is this....................it is time to move on. i am not saying leave the marriage; i am saying it is time to move on past the affair. either you love her or you do not, you have to decide. the foundation you had is gone, it is destroyed. you, if you want to stay in the marriage, have to build a new foundation - one built on honesty, integrity, open communication, kindness, and love. can you do that?????

are you holding your wife and your love for her hostage by not forgiving what she did. one can never forget, but in time, the memories can fade. they can be buried under tons of new happier ones. but, it is going to take work lots of it on both of your parts.

i am not a religious person, but i am spiritual. my husbands affair left me empty and suicidal. i attempted and failed once and was contemplating a second. i found a book 'your best life now' by joel osteen - believe me it is a book that has helped while nothing else did. i highly recommend it. several person that i have recommended it to have thanked me for they too found great peace after reading it. it is changing my life, my perception about so many things but primarily about my happiness and that is where you are stuck--------------- your wifes affair has devastated you and you have decided to not be happy.

YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO - NOT FOR HER SAKE BUT FOR YOURS, we only go around one time in this life. this is no dress rehearsal. think of how sad it would be if you were on your dieing bed and looked back over all of those wasted years. and that is what you are doing wasting your years.

you can be a good father, it is never too late. when we know better, we do better. you still have time. trust me on this - kids are very forgiving. just give them what they need YOU, HAPPY. we are living role models. we teach our kids how to live. if we live our lives angry and depressed then they will follow suit, do not burden them with sadness. there lives are just beginning. but instead get up each and every day being thankful for what you do have. when we are thankful, greatful - we then begin to see more things coming into our lives to be grateful for. trust me on this.

spend time with them, doing nothing. just being a dad. a walk on the beach, watching a football game together. washing a car together. whatever just spend time with them. let them know you like the, let them know you are happy they are your sons.

about your wife, well it is time to sit down with her and talk it out. not the affair, but your lives together. tell her of your dreams. share with her that you do not feel like you ring her bell any longer. take time with her as well. leave her a sticky note on the bathroom mirror before you leave for work. help her with the dishes after dinner, or better yet go in take the rag out of her hand and pull up a chair for her and talk while you do the dishes. at night, just hold her - don't expect sex, just hold her, stroke her hair - hold her tight. compliment her. by doing all of these things you will begin to build a bridge back to each other. what you HAD is gone forever - however you can build a new foundation - one based on honesty, open communication, integrity, love, laughter, and a true partnership.

we are here for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 12:15pm

sissyjacks,


Thank you for the well writtin reply and you are right on.

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