Long time coaster rider/lurker intro

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Long time coaster rider/lurker intro
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 12:20pm

Hello All,

I have been a 'lurker', and feeling guilty about it, for just about two years, and I have just officially joined.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 3:16pm
Don't beat yourself up over it. There is no story here too bad. Hang in there and BE STRONG!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 1:14am

Ties, I'm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 12:59pm

Thanks for your words...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 2:30pm


I just want to comment about your struggle with the emotions love and hate.

When you love someone... then you care about them and you spend a great deal of thought energy on them. When you hate some one then you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 4:33pm

Thanks fivediamondwife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 7:43pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Sat, 10-03-2009 - 12:41am

Thanks chijd!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2009
Sat, 10-03-2009 - 7:59pm

Don't be sorry for your post. Reverse the genders and put the time span at 2 months since dday rather than 2 years, and you just pretty much wrote my story. I've only been to the therapist once so far, but I can tell this will help me tremendously and I need a tremendous amount of help right now. She's making changes-some small, some huge-at least for her, but she's still got the crackberry on standby. I call it her doomsday button. If I don't give HER what she wants, she just hits the button and the affair is back on.

I'm at the same point with paperwork. I'll be looking at houses tomorrow. Then it will be her buying me out of the house. A ton of unresolved issues and a ton of resistance to resolving them. And a complete lack of understanding of the whole trust thing. I'm still supposed to believe what she says simply because she says it. And when I don't, that's just another excuse not to try and to go hit the doomsday button.

I've been to a first session with a family therapist and I really hope she's covered by my insurance, because I was very impressed in the short time we spoke.

So much of what I KNEW before is now all a cloud of doubt, and I only have the word of an adulterer to try to clear that cloud. Not very promising, yet she wants guarantees of some kind.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 6:40pm

"It's a big deal if I let him give me a kiss.. because he'll turn around and say something hurtful..."


Ok, to preface this recommendation and to show my own bias. The following author drives me a little crazy. But have you ever tried to read the book called "The Five Love Languages?" I purchased it for my Ipod and I've listened to it several times.

Ok, the dude comes across as a hayseed. But I think the core of what he's talking about is genuine.

These are in non alphabetical order:

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time


Acts of Service

Physical Touch

Mine are touch first and service second. My spouses are affirmation and quality time. My oldest daughter is gifts.

If I give my spouse flowers, all she can think is (why are you spending money??) If I give flowers to my daughter, she starts to cry. I cleaned my daughters room once. ugh! I caught it for like a week.

If I spend fifteen min with my spouse after work and talk about her work and genuinely show admiration for what she is able to do as a nurse. There is a real chance I'm going to get my love language--touch--taken care of.

At work I was totally engrossed with a client when another costumer came from behind and tried to reach past me. She placed her hand between my shoulder-blades to steady herself and without even knowing anything about her or what she looked like or anything, because of the touch, I was totally hers. (Good thing I'm not on the hunt!)

I can bust my butt to serve my family and my spouse will be upset that I'm "doing" something rather than just talking to her. She's telling me that she loves me, and what a nice guy I am, but when I come home to a clean house that "I" didn't have to clean. I'm in paradise. She's also a smell-the-roses-along-the-way sort of person, I'm only happy once we get to the top of the trail.

For us, the fact that I found faults with her and pointed out her defects was like hitting her with a sledgehammer. Her having sex (a form of touching) with another man--to me in particular--is really, really awful. She thought I would be really upset that she was calling him and having feelings with him. I hurt now about that stuff, but I knew about them talking and building feelings for almost a week before I found out she touched him. On that day, I literally came unraveled as a human. We would go on these midnight walks and she would really get a puzzled look on her face when I would try and explain. Because we didn't understand how the other person views each others nurturing styles. We were killing each other.

I guess my point is that it's clear that your spouse (like me) has no idea how to specifically care for you. To him, words might not mean much. And my guess is that you might be thinking that the things you need from him are also the same things he needs to feel respected, but they might not be.

But you mentioned the kiss and the hurt-with-words thing and bells just went off in my head. If my wife withholds a kiss from me it is hard to not take it personal. If I don't stroke her ego or worse, if I'm critical, it really hurts her. Visa verse, if she's mean to me, I take it fairly well. If I don't touch her. She's just fine.

Anyway, it's just a thought.


5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 1:45pm

Hi pater,

I've followed your story, and have had moments of recognition, along the way.