Lose-lose situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Lose-lose situation
11
Sun, 10-09-2011 - 5:21pm

After 4 years of struggling with multiple issues, I find myself in a difficult situation this evening.

I've had weird feelings(call it woman's intuition) about my H and another woman. I could go into details, but they're all things you've read or experienced. There is nothing blatant about what's going on: nothing I could use to prove that something is between them, but every ounce of my "intuition" is screaming at me!

So one problem is that I don't really trust this screaming! I was married to my H for 21 years while he lead a secret life, and I was clueless. Then he lied, lied, lied and I believed him even when my intuition told me there was something wrong. So now I don't trust myself with such things.

So in a few minutes here I'm going to confront him about this relationship. If there's something going on and he tells me, then that's a game changer. I found out about everything else years after the fact, and I can't live with it going on now. If there's nothing going on, or there is and he lies, then I have to admit that my feelings are totally screwed up. I'm paranoid and my radar is broken.

Honestly I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I thought about texting her, but that's probably a lose/lose too. If she admits stuff, at least I would know, but if she doesn't then I'm right back to square one. Plus is there really is nothing, then I may harm a relatively innocent work relationship.

...well he's home, so here goes nothing. Wish me luck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 12:48am
I think I'd resist with every ounce of my being contacting her. I mean, think about it - how much could you trust what she has to say, anyway? If you're tempted to do that, what I did was inform my DH I was going to call her....and what did he do? HE called her instead, without her knowing I was on the line, hoping she'd totally blow it, and she DID and then I tossed in my OWN words to her after I heard her lie myself. I could never have called her or talked to her, I'd have been in tears before I got a word out of my mouth, but I wanted to. You know what we say here - that little voice in your head can't be ignored and shouldn't be. Once they cheat....they become a
cheat-ER, we don't have to label them, they do it themselves, and that sticks with us. Not trusting yourself at this point? I think that's likely sooooooo common and normal, so quit beating up on yourself! Remind yourself: if he'd never cheated in the first place, that little voice would have stayed quiet, right? It is maddening and breaks your heart when you find out about all this crap long after it has happened, isn't it? Makes you feel stupid, which is what I sense you are feeling now. But you ain't stupid by any means, you came here because you are NOT stupid. This crap is CRAZY MAKING, it's NOT YOU, it's the situation, it is NOT YOU, please remember that. Come back and tell us what happened if you did confront him. You posted yesterday, so I'm thinking it did not go so well.....

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 9:24pm

Thank you for your reply. I was actually thinking about texting her tonight, but thought I'd read any responses first, and I think that I will just wait now. You're right, I can't really trust anything she says, so what's the point. I thought maybe letting her know that I know would stop her from flirting with my H, but that's really up to him, so for now I'll leave her out of it.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner - I have a hard time getting private time on the computer. Our talk went a little better than I thought. At least he admitted that they flirted around during a weekend when they were at a business conference. So that confirmed that my intuition isn't totally out of whack. Yay!

He says it didn't go further than the flirting and that it really hasn't continued. I don't see any evidence that it went further, so I'm inclined to believe that, but I think they're still pretty flirty.

The most troubling part was that he lied about it. He has sworn up and down that he has been honest with me since d-day, but it came out during our talk that he might omit things that he thinks I don't need to know, but he says he won't lie. Two problems with this: first off, he DID lie when I asked him directly about this woman the first few time. I even pointed out that I thought there was a sudden change in his attitude toward her and, of course, I eventually found out that that corresponded with this conference. Secondly, by thinking it's okay to omit stuff, that leaves me to ask. So when he said, "I didn't flirt with her on Thursday (they were at an event)." I felt like I had to ask, "What about Friday?" (When they were texting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 10:36pm
Thing is if there is a history of cheating then he should especially not be sending her flirty texts or e mails. Being flirtatious and attending conferences away is an opportunity for cheating waiting to happen. How protective is he of his phone? Does he keep it locked at all times? If so does he give you the code?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 10:37pm

Red, yeah, she can't exactly be trusted!!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 8:26pm

I definitely agree with the no flirting rule. It's hard though when he talks and says, "You don't want to flirt with me, but you don't want me to flirt with anyone else." I tend to think, "Yeah I can see his point." But now I've realized that that's BS. We're still working on a lot including my feelings towards him, and it's not just about the infidelity. He's also moody and works too much, etc. But just because he needs his ego stroked more than I am giving him right now, doesn't mean it's okay for him to go find that from another woman. Although, I know he believes that it is.

Let's face it, there's a lot I would like out of a relationship that I'm not getting either - Including a lot of things he COULD give me and that I bring up all the time, but I don't go run to other guys for it. I deal with it and find alternatives and try to be thankful for the times I DO get a little bit of what I need from him.

As far as the phone: I have full access to his phone, can check records on-line and can check his email, etc. So it seems like I would know what's going on, but let's face it, if someone wants to hide something they can. In fact what brought up this whole thing about this OW was that we had a fight Friday night and he left the house to go out and she was the first person he texted asking her, "Are you out?" When I asked him about it my H said that when he saw her and her husband on Thursday that she had said that they

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 10:30pm

My therapist, Susan, would have a field day with your DH.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 11:18pm

I'm don't know exactly what he means by flirting, because he has never flirted with a woman with me around. He knows it's wrong and wouldn't do it in front of me.

I know he's just justifying what he's done, but I know he believes in his core that if he isn't getting what he wants from me he has the right to go get it elsewhere. He would probably deny that belief if I presented it point blank, but we've had so many conversations about this topic that I know it's true. The scary thing is that I obviously will never be perfect, so he can at any time justify doing whatever he wants.

Despite all that, I think he really WANTS to do the right thing by me, I just don't know if he can especially in times when I'm struggling and not there for him as mush as he would like.

Thanks for your reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 10-18-2011 - 4:28pm
Sounds fishy to me. You'd think if she was out on a date with her H that your H would think that maybe they would not want a third wheel hanging out with them and leave them alone. Wouldn't you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 10-18-2011 - 4:32pm
Of course you'll never be perfect. And you're right. He is using all these excuses to justify doing what he wants to do. It's all a bunch of BS in my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2012
Sun, 01-15-2012 - 1:30pm
<<>>

It pains me to say this but that is a HUGE red flag. When my H was engaged in an A he would start these ridiculous fights and storm out leaving me to sit and wonder "what just happened"? Well what happened was he was setting himself up to be "letting off steam" because he had no other real reason to be out (no plans with friends, games etc). Unfortunately it was generally with another woman. The fact that he immediately texted her is NOT good. I'm so sorry :-(

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