Lost all of my love

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Lost all of my love
16
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 4:03am

Hi,

(I've posted this on the "After the affair" board as well, but have discovered this board only after, so please forgive me for posting twice.)

5 months after DDay I can say, I have lost my love for my husband. It is not that I cannot stand having him around, we talk to each other, we laugh together, are a great parental team, but there is no loving emotion left for this man.

I've decided that the familiy will be kept up intact and we are doing a great job here. No fighting, no bitter feelings, it's just like all the years before. Only no more touching, no more kissing...I only feel disgust when he is touching me per chance, cannot imagine ever lying in bed together with him. He didn't sleep with this other woman, just stopped before it happened, but he wanted it, and that is what counts for me. In my mind I see thi scene over and over again, and now, after 5 months, it hurts less than it nauseates me. For me he is no longer the man I've know for 16 years. He lied, he was a good actor, and nothing in this world can convince me he isn't acting or lying now to me. He says he will stay here with me as long as I can bear him, that he will try as long as it takes. IN October I told him to stop trying rebuilding our relationship, that it made no sense to me. I said that he only should be there for the kids, they are first priority and will always be. If it was unberable for me I'd tell him to leave, but it isn't.

He doesn't make any efforts now, just as I have told him. I don't know if he is satisfied, being able to lead his usual life, just without having a wife, so to say. We didn't have sex since october. I don't know if he has sex anywhere else. He usually watched porns on the internet, but this must hav stopped as his computer is broken and he cannot use mine in the morning (that's when he used to watch, and he did every morning, it was the first thing he did after waking up). I just don't care that much anymore.

I'm sad that I have to lead such a life, I mean that's what I have chosen to do and it is alright as long as the kids are happy (and they are, I can surely tell!), but I'm so disillusioned about love, marriage....I could just puke whenever I see a happy couple or hear about newly weds.. I always think: "When will he betray her?". Can't take marriage seriously anymore.

Yes, itis this disillusionment that makes me sad. And that the doesn't try at least a bit. I guess I would have fought more for my husband if I were him, but one does only fight if it is important enough, right?

Probably it isn't worth thinking about it anymore, but I sometimes still do. I don't want another relationship, even if my husband left I wouldn't look for it. I'm ust don't interested. Just want to lead a happy life with my kids, everything else doesn't count anymore.

Are there any of you who are in the same situation? Is it possible to find a lost love again?

Thank you for listening,

pjf

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 6:59pm

Hi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 7:09pm

Sorry my font was so small. :smileysad:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 2:52am

Dear Ivy,

I really want to thank you - it is so good to hear that somebody understands what I'm feeling!

There are many people who tell me just to forget since he didn't do it in the end, but I cannot forget or forgive. Like you my familiy, ma kids are first priority and for them I am willing to bear everything.

Yesterday was a bad day again, I just couldn't look him in the eye, talk to him. He noticed of course and told me that he knew it was so hard for me to stay with him but that he really wanted to stay only with me. He doesn't want to give up hope that someday we'll be okay together again. This morning he added that he wanted me to know that it was the truth he said yesterday and that he isn't with us because it is so practically and comfortably for him.

I can't answer him at the moment, I feel so weird.Only said: "Well, this is only temporary. There will be another skank you will meet soon."

I fully understand that you sleep with him, but I'm not able to do it. Not now. Maybe it will be too

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 10:08am

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 3:51pm

i am you only much older, i am surmising.

your post was heartbreaking because of the fact that you have so much life to live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 3:07am

Hello,

yes, it absolutely makes sense what you write, and yes, it will be devastating when he has another woman, still I'm awaiting this moment.

There were a little bit better days in the last week, but again they are over. I had the feeling to like him a bit more, even considered sleeping with him, but I guess this was only hormonal stuff. When I thought about it i really got sich at the very thought of him touching me. Since yesterday my feelings dwindle again anyway. And today I could easily kill him. He is getting more and more thoughtless. It begins with really tiny things that make me freak out: in the morning he gets up at about 6 o'clock (this is when he normally was in the internet for a porn or sth.), he usually wakes me up at about 6.45 so I have enough time to prepare everything for the kids. He sometimes even fetched some fresh bread and rolls for breakfast and for the kids' school snack. Since a few weeks now he seems to forget everything: wakes me up too late, doesn't care about bread or sth...just like today. I didn't have any bread at all (well, he has his breakfast, and cares a damn about everybody else), we were all too late, the car didn't start up and I couldn't let it roll down the street because he forgot to park it correctly ( we have problems with this car since a few weeks now and he knows the car has to be in a certain position to get it work by rolling down), and he left the gate wide open so our dog can easily run away (he is still a puppy). Well, he was already gone for work ( his boss is taking him with him) so of course he had no problems at all this morning. I know, it's trifles, but it makes me so mad. I went back into the house and screamed all the insulting names that came to my mind, I nearly exploded. And what is worst: I got angry at the kids as well, told them to hurry up as they had to go to school by foot (because of the car) in a really mean and angry way. My oldest even started crying and I only said that he always cries like a baby. :smileysad: I should have apologized immediately but instead I started venting about their dad. And all because he just doesn't care. Is it because he's lacking sex at the moment (I told you he cannot go to the internet since december and I don't know when else he could have the possibility to watch a porn etc.)? Does he lack having sex at all?

In my opinion he is satisfied as long as I am quiet and normal. He told me some time ago that the situation is better now but not quite satisfying. I really didn't know what to answer. Anyway he definitely stopped trying, no effort at all. He claims he does everything he can, but I disagree. Caring about the kids is the most normal thing for a dad in my opinion, doing the cooking at the weekend also is absolutely normal, he always did and he likes cooking, so no extra effort here. Anything else? No. In fact he leaves me with more household work than before, because he is always busy. I really don't see where or when he show me that he wants this marriage to work. I just can't see it and that is probably why I am more reluctant than ever to try myself. Each and every day I search my mind, and I just don't find any love for this man. It has vanished. As I said before, I enjoy his company, I like him, but I am not in love.I don't care if I am too young for such a life or not, I only want some peace in my life. All my life there was trouble around me: my parents always struggled, with their marriage, with their business and therefore with financial issues, my daddy died at the age of 65, leaving my mother full of remorse and bitterness about herself, her life, the years they missed, I myself always had depressive episodes but I didn't recognize them as such before I really got ill after my first pregnancy. The PPD lasted on, got worse after the birth of my second son. I'm still taking antidepressives because the depression is chronical now. The relationship with my husband suffered a lot during those years, I rejected him, we had sex only very rarely, and I guess that is where he started looking at other women. He always watched porns on the internet, and it hurt me a lot. When I was pregnant, when I was ill, always. Because I didn't sleep with him. We got really big financial problems because of my home base business which only resolve slowly. I always looked forward to this time when those problems would be not so big anymore, better to handle, and I thought we could start again, because I was much better during the last months and money wasn't such an issue anymore (even if it still is hard enough). But then I got to know about the incident with our friend (who isn't my friend anymore, of course) and it opened my eyes. The only thing I can think about the whole issue is: I went through hell all those years and he wanted sex with her because it was too hard for him to have none with me. I am sooooo sorry I did this to him. Of course I should have forgotten my illness and taken care of him instead, 'cause it is much worse to have no sex than going through depression and anxiety each and every single day.

This is what I think and this is why I cannot forgive. I don't have any interest in myself anymore, I don't care too much about my appearance, no make up, no tidy hairdo, only a ponytail. I am overweight and I don't have the motivation to lose weight, the more as it is difficult to lose weight at all with my meds, my clothing is old and shabby, but I just don't care. I don't care about much anymore but my kids. With all the meds my healths is declining, I have liver, stomach, spleen and heart problems. I only want to live until my kids are grown up and don't need me anymore. So I guess I make it easy for him to finally leave me one day. When the kids are old enough he would leave anyway I am sure. But I am not sure if he will wait that long at all. He sacrificed his marriage, his family for sex. It wasn't a weak moment, it was a whole evening, a whole night where he must have thought about us at least once, but he didn't care. Sex is so important for this man, he proved me several times now, that I imagine he will do anything for it, even leave his kids.

No, I don't want to be the wife of this man. I have made many mistakes, I know, but I have been ill too long now and many of these mistakes were because of my illness, not done willingly. But he willingly betrayed me.

I feel I have to do everything do stand on my own two feet. I'm going to do my exams as an alternative practitioner this year, and I'm going to buy an alarm-clock today. If I cannot rely on him in daily things and if I have to tell him really everything because he doesn't care to notice himself I rather do the things myself. So it should become easier and easier for him to become dispensable in this household (not as a father, of course.) and leave with a clear conscience.

I'm not glad, I'm not happy, I'm desperate, I'm disgusted, I'm sad, I'm completely down, but this is a state I am in since they days my illness started. The affair of my husband added much to it, but I'm used to these feelings. There is no day I wake up and look forward to the day that lies ahead. There is only anxiety, tiredness, the pains in my body, and the memory of his cheating. The only good thing are my kids and my medicine - without them my life yould truly be unbearable.

Thanks for reading and letting me tell all that is going on in my head,

pjf

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 12:44am

Yours went farther than mine did, I don't really believe mine got anywhere near getting physical.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 2:37am

Hello myra,

thanks for your words!

I don't think he will go counseling. When I discovered the truth (he only bit by bit admitted it and I still don't know if I know everything) I read so many articles, reports, a self-help book. We talked for hours and I asked him to read this self-help book in order to be able to understand what I'm going through. I've asked him several times, intensely, but nope. He just didn't touch it. Oh, one time he claimed having read the first chapter. When I asked what it was about he didn't know. After 3 months I burned it in the stove. I've told him so many times what I needed from him, what he had to do to show me that he really wanted me and not only the package familiy, house, friends and by necessity me. He didn't get it. He didn't do it. He thought writing me little messages in the morning would be enough. They were not only cheesy, they didn't have a meaning for me, couldn't touch my heart. He never had an idea how to surprise me. He still doesn't. There was no initiative from his side. So 4 months ago I told him to stop whatever he thought was fighting for me. So he did. And this is where I found that my love for him had died. I told him this as well ( in fact another woman told me she felt the same and told her husband who started panicking then and nearly bended backwards over to win her back. Mine didn't react. He always accept things. I once said to him that if I was in his position I'd fight so hard not to lose my husband, my family. He said he didn't know how to do it.

I guess it is just over. All that holds us together are the kids and habit.

Yesterday,when the car didn't start, I didn't fetch him from work. And I didn't call him to tell him. He called me and asked what was up and I just told him that the car didn't start and that he'd had to find a way to come home. That he could call his skank. When he came home he asked :"What's up again?" It's always this "again", he is nerved. I told him why I was so angry, about this thoughtlessness. Of course he could't see anything wrong. I got so angry I started shouting at him, telling him it made no sense anyway anymore and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 2:52am

...sorry, but I have something to add: I guess I could never again believe him if he said he loves me. I don't even love myself so how could somebody else? I know my kids do and I love them more than life, but then that's it. No more love for anybody else left.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 10:25am

I'd say screw him right about now - the counseling should be you going ALONE.

 

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