Lost all of my love
Find a Conversation
|Thu, 01-20-2011 - 4:03am|
(I've posted this on the "After the affair" board as well, but have discovered this board only after, so please forgive me for posting twice.)
5 months after DDay I can say, I have lost my love for my husband. It is not that I cannot stand having him around, we talk to each other, we laugh together, are a great parental team, but there is no loving emotion left for this man.
I've decided that the familiy will be kept up intact and we are doing a great job here. No fighting, no bitter feelings, it's just like all the years before. Only no more touching, no more kissing...I only feel disgust when he is touching me per chance, cannot imagine ever lying in bed together with him. He didn't sleep with this other woman, just stopped before it happened, but he wanted it, and that is what counts for me. In my mind I see thi scene over and over again, and now, after 5 months, it hurts less than it nauseates me. For me he is no longer the man I've know for 16 years. He lied, he was a good actor, and nothing in this world can convince me he isn't acting or lying now to me. He says he will stay here with me as long as I can bear him, that he will try as long as it takes. IN October I told him to stop trying rebuilding our relationship, that it made no sense to me. I said that he only should be there for the kids, they are first priority and will always be. If it was unberable for me I'd tell him to leave, but it isn't.
He doesn't make any efforts now, just as I have told him. I don't know if he is satisfied, being able to lead his usual life, just without having a wife, so to say. We didn't have sex since october. I don't know if he has sex anywhere else. He usually watched porns on the internet, but this must hav stopped as his computer is broken and he cannot use mine in the morning (that's when he used to watch, and he did every morning, it was the first thing he did after waking up). I just don't care that much anymore.
I'm sad that I have to lead such a life, I mean that's what I have chosen to do and it is alright as long as the kids are happy (and they are, I can surely tell!), but I'm so disillusioned about love, marriage....I could just puke whenever I see a happy couple or hear about newly weds.. I always think: "When will he betray her?". Can't take marriage seriously anymore.
Yes, itis this disillusionment that makes me sad. And that the doesn't try at least a bit. I guess I would have fought more for my husband if I were him, but one does only fight if it is important enough, right?
Probably it isn't worth thinking about it anymore, but I sometimes still do. I don't want another relationship, even if my husband left I wouldn't look for it. I'm ust don't interested. Just want to lead a happy life with my kids, everything else doesn't count anymore.
Are there any of you who are in the same situation? Is it possible to find a lost love again?
Thank you for listening,