A lot like old times

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
A lot like old times
8
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 12:40pm
I can't quite explain how, but somehow I finally got through to W that rebuilding isn't about HER being a better W, it's about US being a better couple.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 9:57am

"She eagerly took my hand when extended, but was unwilling to swim to me or even call for help."

Woof! This is really us. I kept asking her why she didn't tell me about the guy at school who was giving her the hard press. She knew she needed some help with this guy and was simply unwilling to ask for it. Until he talked her into stuff that was really going to hurt our family.

But yeah, once I put my hand out, she took it.

Thanks for the link. I'll check it out.

Thomas

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 10:08pm

Thomas,


Very well done for an atheist!

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 1:59pm

TM

"In religion Grace is defined as unmerited favor or forgiveness from God. My faith tells me I've received grace. It also tells me I must give the same to others."

I've also given this a great deal of thought.

In my tradition we have a narrative about these two wicked brothers, one leaves home and his family business and lives a riotous and drunken life, the other stays home and works on the family property. The one who lives the wild life loses everything, is humbled, comes to himself, and decides that it would be better to return home and beg for a servants position on the family property than to stay on the path he is on. The other brother stays home and accomplishes little more than being successful in the family business.

When the father sees the son returning home who had wrecked his life, he runs some distance to embrace him. I was taught that this act was an example of GRACE. Once the father saw that the son was willing to return. The father went to where the son was and accepted him for what he was. When the son requested the humble servant position, the father would have nothing to do with it and placed a robe around his shoulders and a ring on his finger, then offered a celebration and shared the blessing of having his son back with everyone.

The brother who stayed home acted selfishly at this event and it became clear to his father that this brother was more than just selfish, he lived a sheltered life and had not learned much of anything that was important. This brother didn’t even know what he didn’t know. The question asked in our traditional narrative, is why hadn’t the older brother gon looking for the lost brother?

I see some aspects of myself in all three roles. I’m the wicked brother who stayed home and went to work each day and came home only to watch TV at night. I forgot to do the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming and I definitely forgot to go out and see what my spouse was up to with her study group or her High School Reunion, I didn’t even ask. In the end, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I also see myself as the father role in that when I finally saw that she wanted to fix what she did, but she didn’t know how, I came as far as I could to let her know that I’m willing to try and to extend a hand, even though she didn’t deserve one. And I needed some grace for my failures around the home and for becoming so disconcerted with my spouse.

Not bad for an atheist eh?

The best forgiveness chapter I found was in this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Authentic-Happiness-Psychology-Potential-Fulfillment/dp/0743222989/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1241719087&sr=1-9

Well worth having a look. It really helped me get over the OM.

Thomas

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 11:16pm

JD, that description sounds so much like W it's amazing.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 8:56pm

I think it's safe to say we're dealing with people who do not have a firm grip on their emotional lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 12:49pm
glad to hear that you're doing better TM, like previous poster mentioned, the distance can help, I made my H leave to his father's house when he was still on the fence about the affair, it made him miss me & made him see that i would not accept his lies. As you, my H and i are communicating alot more now, i had to learn how to listen to him so that he would feel safe in speaking to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 12:10am
Funny you should mention that.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 10:59pm

That's interesting (and certainly good)!