Is lying even worse than cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Is lying even worse than cheating?
9
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 4:15pm

Ok, they both suck, but I was thinking about this in regards to what I'm going through right now.

Cheating is devastating and I wouldn't wish it on anyone - even those who have cheated on me.

However, right now it's the lies that are really tearing me up. I think it's because the lying doesn't allow you to make good decisions about yourself and your family.

For example, when my H lied (by omission and later directly) about what happened in April we were actually going through the process of buying a second house and turning our first into a rental. We were both excited and the process went well, but also has left us tight on money and more tied down than ever. We really can not afford to live in two households right now. If he had told me THE TRUTH, I don't know what I would have decided, but at least I could have made a decision based on what was really going on.

I just hate, hate, hate the lying, lying, lying.

That's all I have to say about that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 9:12am

redballoons,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 9:25pm

red balloons,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 12:42pm

redballoons,

I agree! You have to have the truth in order to make informed decisions about your life.

During my FWS's cheating years I had to make many life altering choices.( Both career wise and personal wise.)

When asked for his opinions, he always wanted me to do things the way he wanted them.

Looking back with hindsight and knowledge of truth, these decisions were NOT in MY best interest.

And if I had known the truth at that time, I would have made completely different decisions about the course of my future.

This is still one of my biggest resentments, that he thought he had the right to play God with my life, when he was nothing but a lying cheater wrecking havok on my whole life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 4:27pm
For me, there is no question. The lying is what may destroy our marriage. The cheating I can come to terms with...in our case, I understand what drove it. That he continued to lie, and lie and lie and lie, revealing a tiny bit of truth at a time is what did the real damage. I hate that he lied to me again and again and I couldn't tell for sure that he was lying. I have no faith in myself anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 8:45pm

I think the lying hurts worst than the cheating, especially if they are caught and they keep lying about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2011
Sat, 11-12-2011 - 12:26am

For me the lying is worse than the cheating (yeah cheating is bad don't get me wrong!), my reason behind saying that is it makes you feel like you weren't worth the truth and to me that cuts pretty deep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 1:23am
Red, we are with you, have been right where you are. My husband started lying as a little boy when his mother beat him no matter his response. When she waked out on her family when he was age 8, lying was ingrained ino him and it was a way for him to cope in a very destructive way. There was no one to call him out on it. As the months turned ino years his lying "ball" oninued to amass unil he got caught for his affair. For us, his affair was just a symptom of a greater problem. I knew he wasn't the most honest guy in the world before we married and I knew why. I can't say I was ignorant of it. An affair has always been my #1 deal breaker for our marriage. On dday, that was my plan. I had a discussion with him about HS honesty, integrity, his moral code and personal code of conduct. These things that never developed when they should have. His mom died when he was 23yrs old. He has let this woman control him from the grave. He never felt good enough. And no matter what he did right or wrong, people still leave in the end. We talked about him getting to the root of it all because he was a father to two boys who need a father tht can show them the way. He has been seeing a psych dr for 5 months. It has helped. On the home front, I decided to not make. Decision about our marriage for a year. I felt too emotional for the first three months. We are also building our dream home and have been trying to sell current residence. I was so angry at him for trapping me ( leaving would be financial suicide) and for also tainting our dream of building something we had planned for 10 years. So here we are. He still sleeps in the bonus room and I retain my spot in the master suite. I'm hurt and changed, but I am ok. He carries the greater burden of mending the marriage. His words mean little and his scion more. More over time. He knows that there is no more room for another chance. He cheats, we are thru - he lies-!the same result.

The lying is a large component of the affair. The whole affair is a lie based on a lie. It's surreal. Neither person represent the self as they really are because they can't! They have another life that they live in!

Shortly after dday, husband was proud of himself for not lying. He'd say things like, "I'm baring my soul" I'd look at him and must of given him some type of look because he'd say "you don't even care.". I'd then turn my gaze to compete disbelief. I said you have lied the past 19 sentences out of twenty and you are pissed at me because I didn't believe the one truth? Liars don't live in te world truth tellers do. They fear is disappointment and rejection to an inflated degree. I'd tell my husband that he will never be free of the hell he I chained to until he tells the truth because the truth truly sets us free. We may not like what someone is telling us but we will respect the honesty in the end.

My gut tells me to this day when something isn't quite adding up. I also ask him immediately about it rather than stuffing it because I wanted to avoid the conflict. Before he would do anything and everything to get me away from the matter at hand- he would lie, twist, omit, accuse, spin, etc. anything to take the light off of him. It took a lot of energy and at the end of those I just felt awful. I made my own list of what I expected in our relationship post dday. If he wanted the marriage, this is what I had to have. If he didn't want to that was fine with me. Now in reading the list almost 6 months later it's pathetic In a way. Because what I demanded is what most healthy couples have automatically.

It's been 6 months. My husband truly has worked very hard and overall our marriage has improved a great deal. I am still wary, watchful, fearful to a degree. But i am still standing! If I can stand you can float - up and up with all 99 red balloons.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 12:34am
I'm not a saint, but I am honest. My DH apparently has had a problem with lying since he was a kid, so I think it's likely been active all our 41 years together without me being totally aware of it. Since one lie seems to just lead to another, you never really feel like anything is OVER, and it is crazy-making crap. Lies don't let you think straight, you are forever waiting for the other shoe to drop. We could discuss this one forever, but I've always felt that the energy it takes to lie has to be exhausting, it's no way to live, why don't they get that? How much effort does it take to tell the truth? Our therapist told me not long ago she isn't so sure my DH will ever be able to completely stop lying or manipulating to get what he wants, at the age of 64 it's likely just a part of his personality by now. I'm with you, I hate hate hate the lying, too. It's caused me so much stress the last 4 years I've actually made myself physically sick now.

You are clearly having a really hard time right now, I'm sorry you're in the middle of it again and hope you keep posting, it can help you until you start to feel some sanity returning.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 5:51pm

without lying there would be no cheating right?

it would just be over

yeah it is worse cause he is getting some thrill out of using you