Meanest/nicest things???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Meanest/nicest things???
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 5:03pm

I was thinking about so many things the past few days and am back to re-reading my "betrayed" help books.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2009
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 7:24pm

My stbxw gave me a list of things she will miss about me the other day. She also has a list of things she won't miss about me, but won't show me. The woman I married did a lot of nice things for me. Too many to list, really, but the last several years have really been a whole different story. I'd say giving me that list was the nicest thing she's done in years. What she did to me this last year (at least), the way it was done and the level of deceit involved in it outweighs everything, IMO.

I told one of my friends at work what had happened and he has been there slightly longer than I have. He said that when I was first there, he always noticed that I was very intense, high strung and easily agitated. (I was living with a cheating girlfriend for much of that time). He said that when I met my wife, the change in me was plainly visible. I told him that at the time, she was the best thing that ever happened to me. When I met her, I was on probation and probably eventually headed for jail. I was THAT keyed up and out of control. She made me feel whole. I wanted what I had. (I've thought that many times since being married) She knew how to make me feel good about myself and, in spite of what she thinks, I always tried to make her feel good about herself. I told her once, fairly recently, when I was trying to figure out what was going wrong, that she used to be my champion.

And THAT, I think, was the nicest thing she ever did for me.

Unfortunately, she can't distinguish advice from criticism and ended up being as much a tormenter as the worst of my enemies. When somebody at work would tell me what somebody thought of me, I used to tell them that there were 3 opinions of me that mattered. My stbx's and my kids. Now I don't care what anybody thinks of me. I do what I think is right. If somebody doesn't like it, too bad. I realize that the only opinion of me that matters is mine. I never want my kids to hate me, but they are going to have to get used to taking advice for what it is. I hope they haven't fallen into their mother's mindset, because it's hard to learn anything that way.

An old pilot's saying that I tell to my kids all the time is "Learn from the mistakes of others. You'll never live long enough to make them all yourself." And I've made plenty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 11:16pm

We truly do think alike sometimes Myra. I had recently been trying to get off the negative thoughts train by trying to focus on the positive things about DH.

We have been together since 1982 so this was a tough one. The "nicest"thing that stands out most in my mind goes back to 1987 when my father died. I was very pregnant with our 2nd child at the time, my three other sisters were in three different states. I got a call from my Aunt that she had recieved info that my father had been found deceased in Vegas in his camper. Without a second thought, my Dh took it upon himself to drive the 5 hours and take care of the situation in Vegas. My father died of medical reasons but I do know it was very hard for my DH to have to do this alone as he loved my father dearly (my H must have had to identify the body and that must be so awful). I think one of the reasons I finally said yes to rebuilding after dday#2 is that my H will always have my back AND the backs of those we love.

So, the meanest: Of course all the lies over three years during the A, but what tops off the mean is this: During the A, he would always answer the phone when I called even when OW was there naked with him (so that he could lie to me about where he was and not have me be suspicious if he did not answer). He would not even feel guilty