More what????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2008
More what????
Thu, 08-20-2009 - 8:32pm

Last Fall my husband started acting distant, but he suffers from depression, so I just thought he needed space. He told me at one point that he needed to go to Chicago on business and that he was spending an extra night to clear his head. He came home and blurted out that he just didn't want to be married anymore. I was beyond devastated. Ultimately, he told me that he met a woman on the plane and slept with her once. He said he regretted it immediately.

Over the next few months, he realized he loved me and wanted to be married. In January we officially made a go of being back together and both started individual & marriage counseling. We re-committed to each other and he was really making an effort to be a better husband. For 8 months we've made leaps and bounds of progress....until last weekend.

He had given me access to his email in an effort to rebuild trust. I asked him a simple question about the affair and he instantly became defensive. I knew something was wrong, but he refused to tell me so I checked his email.

I was SHOCKED to discover an old email to his friend where he discussed the woman he met on the plane. He also said numerous false things about me that were cruel. At first they were just getting to know one another, but then they intentionally met in Chicago and spent the entire time bed. He obviously had a great time because he flew home and that's when he told me he didn't want to be married. He continued talking to her and met her in our hometown for another long weekend romp.

Once he decided to devote his attention to our marriage, he called her to break things off. She wouldn't respond, so he emailed her. He received a simple "have a nice life" response from her and supposedly that was the end of it.

So here I am. It's been 9 months of progress, but now I find out it's all been based on a lie. He told me he slept with her once and regretted it, but he obviously had very strong feelings for her. I am devastated all over again because we've been in counseling for so long....he had ample opportunity to tell me the truth. Our marriage was going better than ever, and now it's completely off the tracks again.

I moved out of the house because I'm so angry with him. He suffers from depression (which was untreated at the time), he was turning 30, and one of his friends was seriously encouraging him to pursue the other woman. I'm not making excuses for him, but I know those factors played into his decision.

So, now what??? We were progressing so well that it's hard to think about divorcing, but I can't trust him. He swears he only lied because he was terrified of losing me. He's since apologized profusely, communicated openly, and assured me he wants to repair our marriage. But ugh!!! I'm not sure what to do. I've been with him for 10.5 years....married for 5. He's got tons of family hurt/insecurities/personal issues to get over and muddle through. Should I stay away for a while and see if he gets himself together? Should I just run as fast and as far as possible? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2009
Fri, 08-21-2009 - 1:54am

Hey - sorry to hear about the setback.

I had several incidents like this after d-day #1, but it did not take 9 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 08-21-2009 - 10:37am

I understand
my husband confessed (you would think they would just tell you the truth if they are confessing)
I caught him in too many lies to count after that
where it took place, if he saw her again
a year later he was still in contact with her even though he said he wanted me and would not contact her
(trying to escape the mess he made and my pain I guess)
then another confession of another woman before her that was going on for months
don't believe anything, make him work and show you where his is at
Peace & Strength to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 7:37am
When reading your entry, I realized that someone else was in my shoes, telling my story! Amazingly, the counselor told me that all the lies and the insecurities that lead up to the lies was NOT unusual.