Moved home, yet still in contact

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Moved home, yet still in contact
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 12:45pm

H moved home on 12/9. He claimed he told OW he was ending it with her & that is why she tried to commit suicide in his apt on 12/5.

I have been checking his phone records and their really has not been any phone conversations. She was calling & leaving VM the first couple of weeks, but when she threatended suicide again & H didn't respond (or he says he didn't) she stopped calling. Maybe he just gave her another way to contact him?

I checked his Comcast account & found some correspondance from him to her. Nothing personal but it did say, 'Due to financial reasons I'm moving home.' Financial reasons? I thought he told her he was trying to work it out with me, why did he have to say that?

I told him I checked his account & he said I could look at his emails when ever I wanted. I never did again, but then one night I had a feeling I should check his Hotmail account. Lo & Behold there she is. But the msg was vague & could not tell if there had been contact from H or not. Again, I let him know I checked (no secrets on my side). He assured me he doesn't read her emails, just deletes them.

Then this weekend he had a few drinks & somehow let me know he was reading the emails. Said again I could check his emails whenever I wanted, I'm smart I can get into any of his accounts so it's hard for him to hide. He also told me he had not heard from her for at least 2w so she's finally given up.

This this morning I had a feeling to check his hotmail account again & found an email from Saturday (1/28/06)...

I haven't heard from you in a couple weeks. Are you okay or do you just
need to not talk to me right now? Just curious. You're still my best
friend...I think about these things a lot.


I'm sick.

Has any other rebuilders had H continue contact after moving back home?

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 1:00pm


My husband didn't move out, but continued to contact OW after we started rebuilding. That was amazingly difficult for me and impossible for our marriage. Contact with OW stopped when my attorney personally handed H divorce papers. Until then...he wasn't really taking my boundries seriously.

Your husband is also not taking you seriously. IMHO, you should change the password on his hotmail account (in the perfect world, he should change the p/w, but you can't trust that he will really do that). He should also have his cell number changed. And you should have one last "come to Jesus" talk with him. If there is any indication that there has been any contact after that day...hand him your attorney's business card and show him the door.

This is hard...but living with a liar and a cheat is even harder.

Good luck...Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:40pm

I'm sorry to say but he's still fencesitting. I think he is letting it die down on its own rather than cold turkey, which is very common.

The OW is strange. Still his b/f?? She's waiting for him to come back around. She either doesn't get the NO CONTACT notion or your H is giving her mixed signals when he responds to her.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2001
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 7:22pm

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

I do agree with hannah...I think H is giving OW mixed messages, which is why she's hanging on. I'm no expert at this, in fact I'm quite new, but I can suggest that you have a very frank talk again and lay down the line - above all you deserve respect!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 8:01pm

(((firstglimpse))) you are so very patient with him. You have taken the time to learn about his depression, and taken the time to ensure he is receiving care, and taken the time to observe and evaluate if meds etc. are benefiting him or if you need to spearhead further action in regard to the illness.

When we talk about rebuilding and setting boundaries and then try to do that in conjunction with a person experiencing bi-polar illness,