Much anger towards OW - HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Much anger towards OW - HELP
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:23pm

Lately I have SO much anger towards the OW, and am unsure how to channel it and get it out of my brain. I wonder how it is possible that a person who chooses to do such a horrific thing to another person, doesnt want to apologize!? My H says I should not waste energy on her, and should instead work on making our marriage stronger and work on rebuilding and healing US. But, I cannot get past what she did (him too, don't get me wrong). What was OK to her. That she felt no remorse. Going after a married man - gross. Plus, she is catholic! And quite religious!! How can that be, since she apparently agrees with only about half of the 10 commandments??

I really have the urge to talk to her and give her a piece of my mind, if not more, but have read it is not the right thing to do. Isn't staying away and being strong the classy thing to do? Is it my responsibility to teach her what being a good person involves? Is it my job to punish her? Or should I let fate and karma do that? Should I let it be known to everyone within a 100 mile radius what she has done, especially since I have learned that she had another A 8 years ago? I need to protect married women everywhere from her evil!! I guess she IS being punished in a way, since she got a D to be with my H who obviously didn't want her back....

Anyway, I welcome any advice that would help with the anger I feel towards mostly the OW, as well as my H.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 11:41am

As much as you want to hate the OW and blame her, the blame should be directed at your DH 100%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 1:48pm

You feel the way you do because you are right !!! But how you handle it is up for debate. Try to image yourself 2 or 3 years from now. When you look back how do you want to remember how it went. Let it go, there is no profit in chasing down or talking to the other person. Hate is when you poison yourself and hope the other person dies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 2:18pm

The other woman lived in

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 5:15pm

What an excellant prespective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 9:55pm

so often we wives perceive, envision, that the other woman is the TRUE enemy, the REAL enemy - but truth be told she is a human being who puts her panties on the same way you do.

when i found out about my husbands 3 year affair with this one other woman i was overcome with grief. not just pain, not just sadness but true grief. why? because in MY case i knew that i would NEVER EVER be able to look at him in the same way. my husband is a serial cheater, what he did with the others i do not know. however what he did with this particular one i did know because i had broken into his email.

he was not just seeing her but others as well. women he met on adultfriendfinder,, ashley madison clearly staring that he was MARRIED; but on yahoo he passed himself off as a widower.

it all came to light one day when he left his cell phone in my car. our phones were exactly alike and so i thought mine had dropped out of my purse. when i went to pick it up off of the floor there was a missed voicemail. when i checked it was one of the other women asking if she were going to see him that evening. that is when humpty dumpty came tumbling down. i asked him and he insisted
'that woman had dialed a wrong number' - little did he know i had written the number down. so i phoned her, she told me he was posing as a widower and that he had been trolling on the internet looking for women. she and he had been intimate - he had taken her to lunch and to the movies. armed with that info i then broke into his email and discovered the 3 year affair. they had engaged in a--- sex unprotected from day one. he had said words to her that he use to say to me. he had talked to her about me. i was enraged. the night i broke into his email i wrote down all of their email addresses and i wrote them all the same message, addressing the following:

1-he has been married to me for 27 years.
2-we have sex at least 3x a week even though he has told some of you we are no longer intimate.
3-i am not paralyzed as he has told some of you - i still have the use of my legs and arms - and with the grace of God i will not use them to kill the sob (yes, i did write this)
4-if you think you are the only one he is being intimate with, ah, hello that would be a big NO.
5-why in the 2000's would ANY woman think it is ok to sleep with a married man - regardless of what friggin lies he has told you.

i did add a few other heated words that i am not proud of.

HOWEVER, in time i came to realize this fact. I did NOT have a contract with these women, i did NOT share any vows with these women. i was venting all of my anger at them, when in fact they did not betray me, he did. does that make any sense???????????

if given the opportunity to do it all again YES, i would have still contacted each and every one of them. BUT, i would have done it in person. i would have wanted to look into their eyes and they looked into mine. i would have wanted them to know that behind all of those lies was a living, breathing woman who had feelings. but this is my humble opinion. others i know will disagree.

in closing i would like to state again that the other woman is NOT your enemy - at least in most cases - i have read some posts in which the other woman turns out to be a real corker. but again, in the majority of the cases they are human beings just like you and i. the majority of them have been lied to by our husbands. hell, in my case he passed me off as dead to some and a paralyzed person who could not engage in sexual activities any longer. i know a real piece of work by husband.

the majority of other women do not really ever consider us, if they know the guy is married. it is not that they want to hurt us but we are not REAL to them. they fathom themselves 'in love', they think our husbands truly care or love them. why? because in most cases our husbands are able to con them into believing the lies. now please do not misunderstand i do condone other women knowingly entering into affairs; however, i also do not hate them. i, after giving it much thought, have decided i do not have the right to judge anyone. but there is a fine line between judging and speaking your mind. does that make any sense? i guess what i am trying to say is this........... you need to follow your own drum. if it is important to your healing to confront the other woman, then do so. but do so with no malice in your heart - i know easier said than done. simply tell her what you believe needs to be said from your heart - do so then let her go. let the thought of her go. focus on you and loving you as you are important and special.

you can not change other people, as change comes from within. it will be up to her what course she wants to take relative to future relationships, but at least you will not be left with regret - wishing you had spoken to her and regretting that you did not.

just my humble opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 10:33am


I wonder, do you think the same for a OM with my wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 10:35am
For me, I get mad at her because I can't get mad at him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 11:21pm

Well put. Thank you for your words of wisdom! I have been thinking about writing letters to the skank but not sending them. The only thing that keeps me from actually sending a letter or talking to her in person is I am TRYING to stay "classy" with all of this mess. My husband didn't, the OW certainly didnt, and the OW's EXH didn't either. I am the only one left that can truly act like an adult with morals and values...and a sense of what is right and what is wrong.

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:38am
I think it's pretty universal to focus on the OW, that anger you feel is powerful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 9:02pm

I have never read the OW described better.