My choice so why am I upset???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
My choice so why am I upset???
7
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 12:56pm

Well it is Easter and I am at work. I make the schedule and put myself on to avoid having to go to my h's sisters house for dinner. During his A he stayed with her and she told me I should "understand he was very young when we got together and he needs to explore his options". Her SO is cheating on her and has been for quite some time. My H was working with him at the time. So work was more of a play ground then anything else.. Plus some other issues there as well.

Anyway, I am starting to feel sorry for myself. Is this stupid or what?? I make the choice not to go because it was made more then clear during his A that my feelings and loyalty to her brother did not matter to her at all. She does not like me and hasn't since pretty much day one. So why after all this time pretend and "act" as if we are friends/family. I have no desire to ever step foot in her home again. But it still hurts my feelings. I have never done anything to her. I have always been good to her and her children. I would do anything for her kids in a heart beat. However I know the feeling is not the same in regard to me. I do not want to stand in my H's way this is his family and he should be able to visit with them. It just suchs that I have to miss spending a Holiday with my kids. I did it so they did not miss out on being with their cousins. I want them to have happy memories of Holidays spent with family. Yet I fear that be removing myself none of their memories will include me their mother. I do spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with the family. These holidays are held at my mother in-laws house so I feel a bit more comfortable.

My h did not get upset with me for not going. Yet he also did not say he was sorry I felt that uncomfortable to not go either. This just sucks!!!!!! Am I doing the right thing? Or is my avoiding hurting my kids. I told them I had to work and left it that but they are smart kids they know I hate to miss any type of holiday with them.

Now I feel blahhhhhhhhhh and want to just go to bed and end this day..
Thanks for letting me vent.. Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:37pm

(((((irene)))))

You've always been there for me and I wanted you to know that I am "out here" for you today (and everyday).

First of all, you have no reason to feel guilty or bad. It is disgusting that your SIL basically supported your H having an affair. Second, I would never want to be at someone's house who doesn't want me there. If your children are as smart as you say they are (and if they are anything like their mother, they are geniuses), then they realize that you are not the reason they aren't spending dinner with you - they will realize that the problem lies with their aunt.

I don't think you are being selfish at all. You are being the total opposite of selfish by thinking of your husband and children first.

It's not up to you to mend the relationship with your SIL - this is up to your husband to fix. You have no idea what kinds of things he has said about you in order to justify his affair. I never wanted to come between my STBX and his family, but when push came to shove, I did expect to be respected by them and have my (then) husband stand up for me to them (sadly, he didn't and he never will for any woman in his life - the apron strings are like a noose around his neck).

Just remember, you aren't the bad guy here. Your children will have many wonderful holiday memories and all of them will have you in them because you have always been there for them. I'm sure the Easter bunny gave them wonderful baskets this morning, but if you are still feeling bad, run to the store and get them something special from Bunny-mom and give it to them when you see them later.

Don't give it to those negative feelings. You are too positive of a person to let those dark thoughts take over.

Now, go chomp the head off of a chocolate bunny and be done with that pointless pity party!!!

hugs,
bbalm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2006
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:49pm

Irene,

First of all big hugs to you. I am so sorry that you're feeling sad today. Me too!Don't feel guilty. What a wonderful, selfless person you are to allow your SIL to spend today with your kids and to have your childrens best interest in mind by creating wonderful family memories for them.Your children know what a wonderful parent you are and years from now they will be the ones telling you how wonderful you are.Hang in there, kid and know that I'm thinking of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:54pm
BBalm, THANK YOU!!!! You are right! I am so happy to see how well you are doing. Please know I am always here for you whenever you need me..
Love Irene
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:57pm

Thank you... I just got a call from one of my girls telling me they just got a turtle from one of their cousins. I felt sooooooooo good knowing she was having so much fun! decided when I get off work I am going to go home a bake some goodies for them when they get home tonight. I am feelin much better now knowing I did make the right choice!!

HUGS Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 7:17pm
Hi Irene, Happy Easter. I too chose not to spend the holiday with my H. We have been separated for almost 2 months now and I feel so much resentment towards him and his family that it seemed like a better option to just stay home. It was a rough day but good for you for sticking to your guns. Why should you have to feel uncomfortable? I have found in these last 2 months since my H came clean with his A that you will truly realize who your TRUE friends/family are and I have begun to learn who I can trust, who I can lean on and who I thought I knew but really didn't. There are some miserable people out there and your sister in law just sounds like she could fall into that category. My sister in law sure does! She acts as if I'm a horrible person forcing my H out of the house. People have no clue! I hope you're day gets better. I'm sure seeing your children at the end of the day will put a smile on your face. Thank god for my son. He;s the reason I wake up> Live for yourself and make yourself happy! Best Wishes:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:25pm
I think you are perfectly justified in not wanting to go to a home to a woman that does not respect your marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:28pm
Thanks you! I think I did make a great choice. My kids had a great time and my H was home only a few minutes after I got home so we could all spend the evening as a family. So in this case I think we all had a win win.. ;)
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