My Hubby Masturbates VS. Makes Love 2 Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
My Hubby Masturbates VS. Makes Love 2 Me
9
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:06am
This is my first time on a message board, but I really need someone to talk to. I am a 31 year old female who has been married for eight years. My husband is also 31. While we were dating and MAYBE the first two years of marriage, our sex life was decent. After that it became more sporadic and from there has gone to almost nothing. This has been a frequent area of discussion, but ONLY when I bring it up. My husband always seemed content in that area, and tried to lead me to believe that nothing was wrong. Comparing us to friends and what they would tell me about their husbands, and to previous relationships I've had, I began to believe that either my husband was gay, cheating on me, or just no longer attracted to me in that way. Again, this was a very sore subject for me and I'd become quite resentful. As a result we were arguing quite a bit. Whenever I'd bring it up, he began to tell me that it was because of the constant fighting and that maybe if we weren't fighting so much we'd have more sex. I thought this sounded like more of an excuse that a woman might give, because most of the men I know can separate this physical need from the emotional, but still I tried to believe that this explanation could be possible. Accordingly, I tried to be pleasant and stop complaining to see if things would fall into place that way, but they never did. My husband would cuddle with me, be loving, and maybe touch me in areas that would lead me to believe that we were going to go all the way, but he was content leaving it at that. After years of this, I think I've finally come to the end of my patience. I recently let my husband know I refuse to stay in a sexless marriage in 2006. He finally admitted that he is addicted to watching porn and masturbates at least weekly to satisfy himself this way. I am disgusted and I am angry. For the past six or more years, I have gone without while he has gone behind my back and and made love to his fantasies. What hurts even more is that he knows the pain I've been in over this-- the insecurities I've felt and still continued to add to my feelings of inadequacy. I almost hate him for it. I have been faithful to my husband this whole time, trying to fix myself so that we could enjoy a satisfying sex life. I feel like I don't know who this person is. When we do have sex it is always in the missionary position, he gives me no feedback, and it's over (foreplay and everything else) in about fifteen minutes. I don't even feel comfortable anymore initiating because I feel like when we have had sex, it was more out of duty than sincerely wanting to make love to me--his wife. To make a long story short, I do love him, but how could I ever trust him again. At the same time, he brought this issue to me, so obviously he wants help and I don't know whether to just walk away screaming SCREW YOU (which is what I feel like doing) or try to help him through this. He says that he will get help, but he's also a procrastinator, and I refuse to take the lead in this situation (as I usually do). He has to do it for himself, however, if he doesn't how can I stay with him? Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 11:45am

Well, I'm sorry you are having sexual problems. But I will say, masturbation is a normal thing (in my opinion). There are deeper issues in your marriage (again, my opinion) and maybe some counseling is needed now before it's too late.


Here are some iVillage boards that may help you better:


Families Damaged by Porn:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psfamporn


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:02pm

I know how you feel--my H was addicted to porn and it lead him to having a real A. My H looked at porn before we were married & I thought it wasn't a big deal b/c it didn't interfere with our relationship at the time. He stopped doing it when we I moved in, but eventually went back to it b/c he did not know how to deal with the issues in our M in a constructive way.

I think with the internet and broadband these days, internet porn addiction is getting quite common--I've been reading articles that therapists are seeing alot more of this problem in marriages than in the past. While masturbation is normal, the fact your H prefers porn to you is definitely not normal. I suspect he's looking at it more frequently than he admits. It is severely affecting the intimacy in your marriage--your H is taking his sexual energy and putting it elsewhere, taking it away from the relationship. Your H has a problem and needs counseling. Saying he's addicted to it is a step in the right direction. Have you done any MC? If not, I highly recommend it--he will also need IC. He can break this addiction (my H has been porn free for about a year now, and is quite relieved to be free of it), but for the sake of your M, he needs to get help fast. I don't want to alarm you, but addiction to porn is just one step away from the real thing--cheating with a flesh and blood woman. And believe me, you just don't want to go there.

While there may be issues in your M your H is having difficulty dealing with, the porn addiction is NOT about your sexual desirability. Porn is a fantasy--it doesn't matter how beautiful the spouse is--they cannot compare to the fantasy that porn provides. Porn offers completely unrealistic images of women that is easy for some men to indulge in--any man will get desensitized to his wife if he uses porn frequently enough. There is scientific literature proving this. Your self-esteem must be suffering but please stop thinking something is wrong with you--your H has chosen to deal with his personal (and maybe marital) issues in an unhealthy outlet. Some people turn towards alcohol to make them feel good, some drugs, some porn. There is alot of shame surrounding this addiction because of it's sexual nature but you are definitely not alone. There are alot of resources on the internet about porn addiction. Here are some websites on this:

http://www.no-porn.com/

http://www.firesofdarkness.com/answers/index.htm

http://www.chatcheaters.com/addicted-to-porn.html

You can get through this if you want to rebuild, but only IF your H gets help. He is having trouble controlling his sexual impluses and he needs to learn how to reign them in fast. While you are right, he has to take the first step, you may want to gently nudge him with some literature from the websites because there is so much shame that surrounds this issue. There are some self-tests he can take, and software with porn filters he can download. He probably didn't become a porn addict overnight...he probably looked at it occassionally over the years, and next thing you know...

Have you thought about asking him if he will go to a MC session with you? I think you also need to hear this from a therapist who can help explain it to you--a much smaller percentage of porn addicts are women, and I think we have a difficult time understanding it because we just aren't wired like men.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 9:14am

Hi there,

The pp's have already given you some wonderful links.
I just wanted to say I had to deal with this problem
as well, and marriage counseling is really helping us.

My husband watched porn here and there to masturbate,
which didn't bother me b/c sometimes I wasn't in the
mood or was sick. After we had our first child,
he felt hurt that now my attentions were divided
and did not handle this change well. Over the next
couple years and birth of our next child, this worsened.
I had NO knowledge though that he had progressed to watching
porn EVERY day. I only knew that he was having
a hard time with us becoming a family vs just a couple.
(We did want kids, and he does love our kids dearly -
but at the same time had a "Peter Pan" thing going on).
Then in Sept of last yr, he called me home from work
while the kids were in daycare and told me he had
been with a prostitute the previous week. Also found out
that he received oral sex a few months prior to that from
a prostitute while out in Vegas (thought I was being such
a good uncontrolling wife to let him go on that trip
with a buddy- HA). Anywho, he had already found a counselor,
which we started seeing. And from there, we are rebuilding
and getting back on the track we should have been on.

I really hope your husband will agree to help. My husband
says it is such a relief now not to be into porn like
that anymore. If he doesn't seek help though, that's when
you will have to make a difficult decision..

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 4:55pm

Oh, my heart goes out to you!!

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Porn addiction usually starts in the early teens, and there isn't a woman beautiful enough in the whole wide world who could interest a porn addict more than his porn does.

My husband is a porn addict. It has been a problem between us during our entire marriage - 16 years. It wasn't until this past year that it hit a crisis point. Always before it was "my problem" but then he stopped initiating sex altogether, and turning me down when I initiated it. He said he was not interested and was "getting old" - then I found porn on his laptop - he had downloaded it before coming home from work. This entire time he was using porn and masturbating almost daily - but "too old" to have sex with me. Go figure. (rolling eyes here.)

Please, please, please come join us at www.no-porn.com - it is a support board for addicts and their PARTNERS. You are SOOOO not alone!

My husband read through the boards there, decided he saw himself in these posts, and has now been completely free of masturbating and porn for over 2 weeks. This from a guy who masturbated almost every day for the past 30 years.

You are not alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 5:16pm

I do want to respectfully disagree with debs.

The vast - vast! - majority of porn addicts become addicted as teens - or younger. Saying that your husband masturbates due to problems in your marriage is like telling someone that marital problems are the cause of her husband's alcoholism. If your husband was a closet alcoholic TEN YEARS before you met him - then it would stand to reason that your marriage has NOTHING to do with his drinking. Porn addicts are closet addicts - and from what I've learned, almost all of them were addicts before meeting their future wives.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 5:45pm

emj31,

Unfortunately I feel your pain. I have been married for 5 1/2 years and I am going through the same thing. In the past year, we have made love 2 times! I've tried everything in my power to try to get my husband to be intimate, begging being one of them. I've tried erotic poetry, sexy phone calls etc... Nothing. I don't feel like a wife should have to "ask" her husband for sex. He says he loves me more than anything and still nothing. Not even special occasion sex (anniversary, birthday). I told him it was either the porn or me. He boxed up the porn and to my knowledge hasn't been watching it, but he still masturbates on a regular basis. We've discussed this many times and all I hear is "I'll do better". He has given me every excuse in the book and then some - I'm tired, I have to work tomorrow, my stomach hurts, not now my show is on, I'll get you this weekend. I have been faithful as well, and the power of prayer has kept me that way. I don't have the suspicion that he is cheating on me but he might as well be because we aren't being intimate. I am finally at a loss. I have decided, no more asking or begging. Feel free to email to discuss or comment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 6:12pm

My husband "gave up" the porn, but continued to masturbate - for years. Only problem is that the masturbation keeps them in this situation of craving pictures - real or mental. So the underlying situation was never addressed, and over and over again he'd go back to the porn.

The orgasm releases chemicals in the brain that are like a drug. They get addicted to it.

They CAN give up masturbation. I have now seen posts of dozens of men who have.

My husband went 2 weeks with no porn, no masturbation, no sex. We just resumed having sex - sooo much better!

These guys, like alcoholics, need to "dry out" before they can even think straight on the subject.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 11:07pm
My ex is scum! Porn isn't good for a marriage. I was married to the jerk for 23 years. Or was I the jerk for being married to him for that long. Anyway now 4 years of my own identity and no fantasy of "porn girls" to live up too. The relief!
The danger that happened in my house though was terribly disgusting and my ex would be in jail if the statute of limitations hadn't run out and I had more dates and details. But as a warning to all, be careful; those that are addicted to porn, get off sometimes in teaching others to do so also. My heart is wrenched to even mention it but my ex "enjoyed" himself so much that he thought he would educate our sons to "enjoy" also as they went thru puberty. I was totally shocked when I found out when they came to me around the age of 18 or so. I was so busy raising my family, having 2 other small children (girls) and trying to fulfill my ex's fantasies that I didn't notice. My sons decided to tell me in fear of the same thing happening "or worse" to their sisters. Now 4 years later; I'm divorced, having sole custody of my girls. My sons; one is married and the other is struggling with relationships. Both take depression meds and see therapists. But the ex is living with his girlfriend and her sons and they accept his fantasies from what I hear thru the grapevine. Porn is so degrading and my ex no matter how much I talked to him how I felt betrayed when I personally caught him looking at porn said he didn't care how I felt. His narcisstic attitude still remains number one. Ugh. P.S. The day my sons came to me; I took my ex's work truck apart and came up with $350.00 worth of porn materials, I burned it all. I kicked him out and made sure he was never alone again with any of my children or me.


Edited 2/3/2006 7:21 pm ET by djfortyseven
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 2:08am

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm glad to hear you haven't found out he's cheating bc thats where I thought this story was going given the forum and all. Not that it excuses his ignorance of you and your needs. I can see why you feel angry at him.

I would say get counseling and get to the heart of the issue - his addiction. He's carried it too far if he's not having sex inside of his M. Isn't porn supposed to be the back up plan if one person isn't in the mood? What happened to that? How did it become preferred to the real thing? I'm not familiar with porn addiction but I wanted you to know I feel for you.

hannah