MY STORY... Very Long... Need Advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
MY STORY... Very Long... Need Advise
10
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 11:36am

D- Day 11/02/08


Affair ended First week of Jan. 2009


5 year relationship


2 year old daughter


Husband 26 years old


I am 24 years old


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 2:54pm

IMO the faster she can be expelled from the country the better.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 3:08pm

thanks for the post, he has stopped all philandering behavior, what i am dealing with now is the aftermath of his A. its seems like the WS always wants to move on & not deal with the pain they have caused the betrayed spouse. this to me adds insult to injury.


im also having issues where i feel disgusted by him & what happened. its repulsive, yet i have to hold myself back from starting any fights or trying to talk to him about it.


any advise on how to deal with the anger? the crazy thoughts that come with it??


im also concerned as to why the OW is so persistent. i really hope it is not because she is pregnant. i would not be able to tolerate that.


i have contacted Immigration Customs & Enforcement to tip them off on her, if she violates the restraining order it will be a first degree midemeanor, which will get her deported and denie her any type of visa. but she will only get deported if immigration finds her. she is now hiding.


we have tried to move on, but the ghost of this woman is haunting our relationship. and the possibility that there could be a child born from his A is really getting to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 3:41pm

I saw the texts & my husband went into a rage about me looking at them. I did not care, I needed to know. He still claims that he did not have sex with the woman, which I tell him that I will never believe that LIE. Days later, I see a text in which he tells her “I get paid on Friday, I can give you the money than”, she replies “ I don’t work on Friday, can you give me the money before, I wanted to do it on Friday”.


I am so sorry you are going through this. It has been nine months since D-Day for me and I remember when it was still new to me. It is the worse kind of pain that I have experienced. The fact that your DH is getting mad because you are looking at his text msgs. says that he is hiding something. This raises a BIG red flag!!! One of the ground rules for rebuilding a M after infedility is that the WS life become an open book. Don't settle for anything less. Demand that he call her with you on the other end of the telephone and tell her to NEVER contact him or you again. Stand your ground. He brought this looney toon into your lives and it is up to him to get her out! My DH A was also with a woman from a third world country and those kinds of women are desperate to gain citizenship in the US. They will settle for anything to land an American man. Stop worrying about being Latin and him being another race, if he loves you it won't matter what color you are.


Stand up for yourself I don't care how much you love your H and make him either drop the looser or make him hit the door.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 4:05pm

He has dropped her, he showed me the texts she sent him this past Saturday. He did not hide it, she text him "did you come by my house friday", he asked for her not to contact him & informed her of the restraining order, she replied "do you have a toilet? go put your mouth on it". I know for certain there is nothing more going on between them, she had not contacted him in weeks, it is now almost the end of the month so she is trying to initiate contact to eventually lead into her asking him for "rent money" again.


On the day that she last text him, i was with him in the car, i had his phone i saw the text as he received it. Since she has not been served, we called the police to meet us at her apartment complex to serve her than, they came, they tried to serve it, but a relative said she went to the grocery store & would be back in an hour. An hour later, cops came back to serve her, relatives claimed that she was not there, yet they would not let the police in the apartment to confirm.


He wants nothing to do with her, he came to see after months that she is an immigrant that just wanted him for immigration puposes, she never cared that he had me & our daughter, she never objected to him being with me at all, as long as he did for her what she needed him to do. He was probably in Awe that he found somebody that was willing to be the OW with no objection to him keeping his family, but soon he realized that she was accepting that from him, not because she loved & cared for him so much but because she had an agenda on him. Once she began making demands on him, he snapped out of it and left her. She started asking him for money, demanding that he sign immigration papers, etc.


I am reading & learning more on the techniques

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 4:25pm

queenb 84,


I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 4:52pm

Thank you Midge. The only positive thing is that my H did not give in to her demands. If he did he did while the affair was going on. Now he is trying to get rid of her but he cant. She is persistent and for some reason feels as if my H owes her something. That is what i dont understand. My only relief is that he has taken the steps necessary to protect himself & our family from her.


Sometimes i think to myself that he made his bed, now he has to lay in it, he has to deal with the craziness that woman is bringing to him. He thought grass was greener on the other side at first, he even called this Devil Woman and Angel at one point, because she did not have any problem with him being in a relationship. He did not realize what he was doing until he felt like he had completely lost me & when the OW started to show her true colors.


Than he realized the mistake he made. As of last Saturday she has not contacted him. We think she is now in fear since the police went looking for her at her home after she started to harrass him again.


Im just repulsed by the whole situation & by the type of woman he got himself involved with. I am a professional working woman. One of his reasons was that i am not domestic enough, i dont clean well enough or cook well enough. And obviously, this woman being what she is, cooks and cleans as well as any Haitin maid that works in any of the luxury hotels in our area. I believe that is what she does for a living, i dont know of any other jobs that hire illegal aliens besides that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 5:59pm

I'm glad he's broken contact and is starting to take responsibility.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 10:05am
Thank you Thinkingman...I know the beginning stages of rebuilding are treacherous. Not only am i dealing with the craziness that this woman has brought to my home,but i have the thoughts that all of us betrayes spouses have. Thinking back on all the times the WS deceived you, thinking of when, where & for how long he used to see the OW. Ive read in many books that the WS must be willing to talk with the betrayed spouse about the A & answer any questions the bettrayed spouse has... well my H is not willing to do that. He gets angry if i try to talk about it and does not want to answer any of my questions. Now, im not trying to question him on the explicit details of his A, i just have normal questions, such as, where did you meet the OW? how long have you known her? how long was the A going on before i found out? did you bring the OW to our house? etc. All these questions linger in my head, but i can not get my H to listen, much less answer me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 1:13pm

dear queenb,


you are probably right that the OW is laying low which is a very good thing, hopefully she continues, or moves or gets deported.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2009
Wed, 04-01-2009 - 3:11am

Dear Queenb_84,


Your life is not over and you have control over your decisions. Don't live by his rules, make your owns. In my country, when you get married, the priest puts the rings on a table in front of you. They are barely touching, just overlaping. They are not placed one on top of another. This means that you share just a part of your life, the rest, in fact the bigger part, is yours and yours alone.


You will see in time what is the best decision, it will come to you. For the moment take it one day at a time, even minute by minute if that is what it takes to get you trough the day. Things will get better only if you decide to take control over your life, don't wait for him to make something, do it your self. Take emotional distance, get involved in other activities, spent time with your family. I know it is easier said than done:)


I am fighting for myself too right now. I just found out he is cheating on me. We have been together for 6 years, shared a house, a business and a dog between us. He never promised me marriage but we considered having kids. I always knew he is a rather selfish person and I thought that if I love him very much he will be happy and appreciate the life he has. Wrong! He does only what suits him best, only what he wants. He secretly rented another house to have a place of his own. Now he is sleeping with a girl 20 years younger than him. And by the way, she has her own relationship too. They are in love...


My life is not over, I just need to start rebuilding it again. I have not confronted him and I hope i will manage not to, at all. I need to find a way to separate our business an the house first.


So, rule no 1: stand up and smile!